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Title: Rewriting what is happening or has happened Post by: InPain66 on July 23, 2016, 03:09:21 PM My BPDW is constantly rewriting what is happening or has happened out loud to me until I agree with her in order to ensure that I do not rely on my own rational view of what is really happening. Wow, Turtle, that is so exactly the same experience I have with my BPDsister, and you articulate the pain so well. I understand your suffering and feelings of powerlessness. And reading your story is so validating to me. I had a terrible argument with my BPDsis last night. And my husband (this was his first encounter with her gaslighting) took her side and joined her in invalidating me, which left me feeling even smaller. This long and exhausting "discussion" with her started at 10 pm and ended at 12:30 am after a very long day for us (a common occurrence with these discussions - she seems to start them late at night when I am exhausted and continue until I give in out of sheer physical and emotional exhaustion). I wake up feeling depleted and hopeless and small. My wonderful husband, whom I love so dearly, did not see what was really happening between us because he does not understand the context and the power dynamic -- all he saw was me being defensive and contradicting her. He did not understand how wounding and belittling it is to me and the toll it takes when I finally give in. And I couldn't explain it to him because I couldn't understand it myself - all I knew is it hurt and I feel small and weak and insignificant after these fights. Val78, thank you so much for your suggestions, that sounds like something I can learn to do and it sounds like it will save me from the downward spiral and protect myself without making things worse. Then I look forward to learning some of the more advanced techniques, which I don't feel capable of right now. Title: Re: Rewriting what is happening or has happened Post by: HappyChappy on July 24, 2016, 07:29:54 AM I wake up feeling depleted and hopeless and small. I’m not surprise you feel this way. It is frustrating, I share your frustration. It does demonstrate how effective the BPD approach can be at bending the truth. Triangulation is one of the clearest ways of seeing this, where they paint one child bad and one good. They have to bend the truth, to keep this fantasy alive. But time will out. You can’t fool all of the people all of the time. But we took a long time to realise about the BPD theory, so it’s normal for your husband will take time seeing it for what it is. But you’re right it is very frustrating. We’re unlikely to win playing a BPD at their own game. They wear us down, wind us up, and then we react in a way that makes them look like the injured party, by snapping. Totally understandable behaviour, but we need to avoid J.A.D.E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) as if we do the BPD has got the rise they want. And we look like the guilty party. Sometimes it’s better we show rather than tell. So you might want to demonstrate to your husband how a BPD can not accept responsibly for their bad deeds, by asking your sister for an apology the next time it’s appropriate to do so. Or possibly sit down and watch some movies with BPD in them, and your husband may then see patterns of behaviour. But in fairness the reaction you described was quiet natural, I’ve done it, we’ve all done it. So having had time to reflect, how will you be approaching hubby and sister on this ? |