BPDFamily.com

I'd like to ask your opinion:
my EX was on vacation with my replacement; she choose to go where we planned to stay before the breakup. There are thousand places to go to, but that's the one she selected. Still copying me?
She texted me one hour ago just to say they are back home but she also asked no to reply today (I guess my replacement won't be happy if he knew she communicates). What the meaning of this, is it push-pull?

I can't be sure of the meaning but the result is control over you. Definately some triangulation going on it seems also

Could be, some residual mirroring, or it could be a way to stay attached to you in her head, going to a place you had both planned.


Borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, so even though it didn't work out, and the emotions got too strong for her, she still wants to know and feel that an emotional attachment is in place with you.  Best thing to do is decide what you want, and deciding you want to be with her may not be a possibility anymore, at least not exclusively, so decide what you want and act accordingly; you are going to need to be the one to sever the attachment if that's what you want.

  pgri8684,

Welcome to the board though I am sorry for the reasons you had to find here. I hope some of the tools, articles, posts, or posters input can help you with all this now.

As for why the vacation where you were going to go. Sometimes to hurt, control, or triangulation .

Another reason is the person they are seeing now ( aka your replacement) is in fact in love with you... .lol Yes you! As crazy as that sounds sometimes BPD people mirror you to get you, sometimes they move on so fast without thinking or don't really like the new person that much. They want the person to like them, soothe them, have sex or lust, not love. So they show only what they knew and loved the good in you.

You liked or wanted to go there, so that is what they are still mirroring. So I know it is hurtful and hard. Try to take some time for you today.

Find the joy in any small thing you can, make some goals for you. Remember that there is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path. So vacation or not, find happiness for you. Then you can not only go forward but will not be imprisoned by someone who has no right to do that to you. Take your power and control back and don't let the games hurt you.

And... .laugh if you have to the one they are with are not in love with the ex but well... .YOU... .

Had this happen and his new likes my qualities without knowing it... .sigh. Which is fine don't love or want that.

Hugs it does get better. You need to take the power back, be in the Now and enjoy your life for you.

This is remarkable Lilyroze

This is so true, my exgf is doing all the things I begged her to do when we were together. Except her actually getting well through DBT, AA, NA, Alanon.

Facinating

I think your post deserves a whole new thread, please begin this as I believe this will help others cope. If not may I bring this topic up for discussion?

Thank you Jerry, I am glad it helped. Your input means a lot to me. Yes would be glad to. How do you suggest I title and put where? I appreciate input on this

Do it.
I agree, this is an interesting train of thought that deserves to be developed.

Maybe how our exes find replacements that resemble us, they still love us? You word it so much better than I could. Lol

OK put topic here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296881.new#new

What do you all think input appreciated ? Mods can move if needed.

to summarize your thoughts she tries to exercise some control over me by texting and forbidding me to answer (I agree with SMSS); this insight helps me not to overrate her action: she doesn't want to be kind, she just wants to inform me she exists and rules over me

Her current relationship is not 100% satisfactory and I'm still on her radar.
We broke up after just 6 months (I left), she may be trying to fulfill our bucket list.
My replacement does everything she wants; in a way he actually loves what I love

i wanted to go riding with my ex and planned to get her a Harley she always wanted for her 40 th

we split up she passes her test buys a bike and goes riding with her new partner

FFS cant make this ___ up!

Not necessarily control you, although borderlines can use control to manage their own fears, it's to retain an attachment.  Even though she's with someone else she still values an emotional attachment with you, because losing one is the worst thing that can happen for a borderline, so she'll continue to try until you end it, and all the power she has over you, you gave her.  Time to take it back?


If he does everything she wants she will lose respect for him and the devaluation will start, and she may be more likely to stay in touch with you.  So what's the goal?

I agree with you FromHeeltoHeal, I should take my power back.
Nothing positive is likely to happen with such a relationship, I know it is a toxic one. I thought low contact could be better than no contact because we have friends in common.
Now I doubt.
Do you think it's better to tell her why I prefer to loosen the remaining links?
- No friendship is actually possible: is someone you cannot or may not call a genuine friend…
- My replacement lives with her (he moved in); it is more than an affair
- I have to move on; history cannot be rewritten

I read a post about being rational with an irrational person; it will be a tough work and I don't know how she'll react.
IMO keeping silence is unfair.

Some say low contact is better, a less hurtful way to detach, for both people, although it boils down to what you can handle.  If you can stay centered and balanced and communicate with her, then maybe that's best, if not, maybe you need to not communicate with her right now.  Time to do whatever's best for you.


The best way is whatever is best for you.  At the end of these relationships trust is usually broken both ways and honest, open communication is no longer possible, if it ever was, so up to you to decide if telling her you need to back off would make it better or worse FOR YOU.


Unfair to whom?  It's common in these relationships to put the borderline's needs ahead of our own, to the point we may forget we even have needs, and it's important right now to do what's best for you, no matter what.  And how would you feel if you were the new boyfriend and she was keeping in touch with a recent ex?  How would you feel about that?

Hello

Last night my BPDexgf text me and asked how "her" son was doing. He's hers whenever he isn't bothering her.

Anyway she started talking about her physical problems and I was tired and I know I probably shouldn't but I did ask her to please stop and that her health issues were not my concern.

She then came back with a threatening text about her lawyer and doctors. I asked her to be respectful of our son and to stop lying. (She has no money, no lawyer, no pride)

She then text saying after tomorrow I would never see our son again.

Then I stopped reading her text.

This morning I did read the last two text, she's now getting a restraining order on me, and I am a horrible person.

I agree with fromheeltoheal, not that I've ever seen her do this but it has to be my bounderies and her fear I won't be around to listen to her complaits. She may be struggling to give me up as an attachment.

This is very strange to me, I don't want anything to do with her or be attatched. Threw away every reminder I had from her a few months ago.

My "detachment" allows me to pity her, she and her illness are robbing her of any true and meaningful happiness and peace. She decided to not choose to take steps to get well and I warned her I would not tolerate her negitive attitude and abuse any longer.

"As crazy as that sounds sometimes BPD people mirror you to get you, sometimes they move on so fast without thinking or don't really like the new person that much. They want the person to like them, soothe them, have sex or lust, not love."

Lilyroze, yes... .mine did this, mirrored me with the woman he was involved with when we first split. She dumped him, so then he recycled another woman and he did not like her very much at all! Then she got pregnant and he was stuck with her (for now). He is mirroring her now and it is shocking to me! I am so curious how long it will last- seriously. We still have attachment through lawyers and netflix... .kind of weird.

Jerry, does she follow through with these threats? Mine used to tell me he was filing papers, but then not do it. Question; have you ever heard of AA recommending watching stand up comedy to help recover from addictions? Mine is watching tons of stand up, which he didn't do when we were together. I would watch sometimes though and I was not sure where this was coming from. Mirroring me or something new... .not sure. It is allot of really crass stuff though. Not stuff I would watch. The gf is watching all kinds of romance movies... .lol  Cracks me up. I am watching totally different stuff than them. It is so obvious to me that we are all watching different things. he is still on the military and FBI stuff too. I really wonder why he is letting me continue to watch shows through his account... .I guess this is a last attachment. I would think the gf wouldn't like it. I don't care... .It is interesting to me that he never watches what I watch now- like on purpose. It's a weird thing I know.

Hello Blue

If I had a dollar for all the times she was going to file a ro on me and stalking and stealing I would have a lot of dollars. She just had a fit because I asked her respect my bounderies. She's an angry child.

I've never heard of the comedy thing but I love comedy and laughing and now that I'm out of that toxic mess I'm laughing and smiling constantly. Most of my happiness is related to my recovery and not just being away from Ms. Misery.

Think about her and my mood drops into an abyss

"Think about her and my mood drops into an abyss"

I know what you mean. I am tired of thinking about my ex. Really tired of it.