BPDFamily.com

Hi all. I have read the many posts on this particular Board and it does not paint a pretty picture of what I have in store for me.
I am scared.
I am scared.
I am scared.
And guess what? I, myself, am an attorney!
I have interviewed one attorney thus far. Not very experienced with high conflict cases so I will keep looking.
I don't like to litigate ( I am a litigator). I know the risks of trial. Settlement is always preferable but with these BPDs/NPs I guess I am seeing that they don't tend to play fair.
Family Court is a wild and woolly place and not for the faint of heart and it is not my speciality either.
I have been the main bread winner for our 4 year marriage.
Spouse recently got a pretty high paying job but still less than me.
My house is where we live and my spouse is not on title. I purchased it 20 years ago.
Spouse is entitled to the community property interest in the appreciation of my house since i paid the mortgage with community funds ( my paycheck).
Spouse is entitled to the appreciation/rise in value of my 401k and retirement.
We have NO KIDS THANK GOD together.
We have a small low value time share and some community DEBT which Spouse is liable for as well.
Spousal support will be paid of course since I make more but only for approx half of the marriage.
I AM PRAYING THAT SPOUSE will agree to mediation. I know this is a long shot by reading the posts. Maybe not for my spouse who agreed to it at the last divorce with the EX.
I am scared what it will be like to ask spouse to move out. I expect it will be like pulling teeth.
I may have to get a court order.
I live in a community property state. I recent case came down about separation, saying that for purposes of a divorce and valuing the community property, separation does not occur until ONE PARTY MOVES OUT.
I am thinking of getting spouse out by saying that I think we need a separation, paying for Spouse's apartment and THEN springing divorce papers.
If you read my other posts you know that Spouse has been ripping me off since day one, lots of financial abuse and verbal abuse. I can't believe I stuck around this long hoping that it would change. I am a CHUMP.
Any words of advice are appreciated.
Yeah, this tough lawyer in my day job ( and I am) is scared SHIIIIIIITELESSSSSSSS!

Get several legal consultations with family law attorneys.  You will need a proactive problem solver.  You would not be served well by a forms filing hand holder.  Have you researched William A. Eddy's web site and it's resources?  He's the co-author of the highly recommended handbook Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder — it is also listed on our Book Reviews board.
www.HighConflictInstitute.com

Let the peer support here be your emotional sounding board.  We can help with ideas, strategies and overall solutions and alternatives.

• A 4 year marriage is generally considered a short marriage.  (When you arrived here over 2 years ago it was a one year marriage.  Sadly, inaction sometimes isn't the best choice.)  The sooner you resolve this, the better.
• Alimony is unlikely, but if it did become an issue then at least it would be very short and certainly no longer than half the marriage.  (My marriage was over 15 years and alimony was based on 2 months for every year.)  These days alimony is becoming seen as assistance in the transition out of the marriage.
• No children together means you avoid the custody and child support issues.  (You didn't adopt her children, right?)
• For the first year of the marriage she continued living in her country.  Has she since joined you?  If so, then there should be no question about where the divorce would be.
• No time like the present to "rip the band aid off".  She has every reason to delay, you have every reason to get it done.  She has every reason to push for an outcome too much in her favor, you have every reason to keep it as close to possible to the unemotional law.
• Leverage — Whatever the outcome, make sure you keep some leverage, generally some $$$ in escrow, that is not released until she has completed all her terms in the settlement or order.  You know you can and will comply, you also know she won't feel a need to comply.  So don't release the last of your leverage until you have compliance.