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Hello everyone

Talked to my sponsor last Saturday and again tonight, I explained to him how confused I get when trying to frame my son's mother.

When the thought of her comes to mind and when communicating with her my mind becomes a torrent of memories and confusion and I just have to distract because there just isn't any explaining her or her behaviours.

The longer I was with her, on and off for 4 years, the more complex and in depth my searching became. This only lead to more questions and few answers.

In other words I complicated an already impossible situatuon.

I want to keep my thoughts simple, my emotions are almost always consistently level, life is normal and manageable until I start thinking about my exgf. Then it's back to wondering about a mystery.

Not sure what I'm asking, I just want simplicity and I thought if I could come up with a list that I could refer to when I feel that awful empty darkness I would be in a better place.

My sponsor told me to write down some ideas and he would sit down and help me later on.

He told me she was incapable of a healthy mature relationship, this illeviates the horrible guilt I sometimes feel that I didn't do enough, I failed.

Sponsor said she's irrational, this gives me validation that I am not crazy when I was gaslighted by my exgf

Just a simple list that confirms my reality and helps my guilt and shame. I was blamed for all our relationship problems.

Anyway, just a thought and maybe it will help. When I think about my exgf I sometimes feel like I'm looking over the edge of a high cliff into a foggy bottomless canyon. I cannot see the bottom, then I hear her voice laughing at me, taunting me to jump off the cliff to find her.

I know it's suicide but the mystery is so intreging it felt like if I found that answer I would receive narvana.

Crazy stuff

Well, don't jump. If she's that bed she's not worth it. I can say my thoughts and feelings had been similar to yours a few months back. But it passed. With time hopefully you won't feel that way. When I see my ex now, I'm searching my soul for feelings and I can't find any; good or bad.

With time hopefully you'll see that it's all about you. You, your life and your progresion. Not about that bad experience. I took one last look at her yesterday, just to make sure I was sure how I felt and sure about who she is. And yup! Never was good enough to be integrated into my lifestyle. Can't believe I allowed her in. But thank the Lord she's no longer. You will be okay. Kick her out of your thoughts and soon enough, she'll be out of your dreams.   

Thank you Back2Me16

I'm just tired, been a long day and I'm looking for answers. Good day, got a lot done and I'm proud of myself for doing the best thing for my son. I get texts from mom saying I will never be with him again then like magic she stops texting as if what she said didn't happen at all. Mirage of lies and control coming from disordered thought. Never make sense of her.

Have a great night!

we are all good people and wonder what we could do

but they have an illness that protects them and feeds of our support

they are not strong enough to face it or get help

you are a victim!