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I realize that I have felt not good enough long before my BPD relationship, and learned why from examining my FOO, but it got far worse with the constant criticisms, putdowns, projection etc. I began to question just about everything in life, even the simplest of things that I never thought about before; comparing myself to my exuBPDgf and other people, trying to do everything the best way possible.

I know a common symptom of depression is cognitive distortion; at times when I have seen things clearly I have felt better, then back to feeling not good enough and questioning things. I am almost 7 months NC now, it has gotten a little better, but I still feel pretty worthless.

Anyone else relate? How long before you recovered, and what helped you the most?

Thanks.

Would it be accurate to say that you took out of the relationship what you brought in, even if you gained some self-awareness?

If we're looking to heal from a r/s, it's good to see how our personalities and history affected the r/s. Many of us fell into dynamics we may have played out in our FOO. Someone here once said, "you can't fix a problem with one person with a completely different person. It's impossible."

For me, I can't help but still feel that there was a grain of truth of my Ex's criticisms, because they felt familiar, and though I'm doing very well by objective standards (kids, home, career, $), on the inside, I still feel those my-issues  which I never quite got rid of.

many of us her had issues

i am co dependent, this is the perfect partner for someone with BPD

but it broke down in the end because they couldn't accept being loved

they survive with projection and other tools to lesson their pain

we suffer in this relationship as it goes on and abuse ourselves

the cycle has to stop and we need to realise our issues

through doing this there is hope progress and happiness

it is not an easy or a short road but a much better place awaits us along our journey

Hey lovenature,

Yes, I can certainly relate to what you describe. Definitely. I think it's almost always about not feeling good enough in some way that allows us to stay in situations that are not good for us.

During one of our first blow-ups my ex called me "a bully who always has to have her way". It was crudely put, and not really fair at all, but something about it resonated. I can be quite willful and determined, that is true. He also said things about how I kept myself distant somehow and asked too many probing questions that always seemed to put the focus back on him. Also true.

I had heard versions of that before in other relationships and I took it to heart and eventually, after permitting many disrespectful and unloving acts from him, decided to mend my ways. I remember thinking I had "met my match", someone who was not above being as callous as I could apparently be. My previous partners had always been kinder and more circumspect in how they criticized me, but this one pulled no punches.

It was very wounding and disorienting and absolutely made me question everything about myself and the kind of person I thought I was.

I realised, after about 6 months of reading these boards, and some of the suggested books and articles, that whatever issues I had were not going to be fixed by staying in contact with this person. I thought, read, cried, talked to friends, let myself really look at what parts of myself I deeply thought were "not good enough" and tried to see that from other perspectives. To look at some things I had to do cognitive wrestling with myself, or re-framing as the literature usually puts it. For some others, I just tried to love, the way I would a child who was crying. Do you know what I mean?  The support and engagement of the community here has been invaluable. I am still walking with all that, no quick fix for this, but my shuffle is more of a stride now, most of the time :)

Working out, as I recently did here in another thread, what my top ten values were was also really helpful.

You say you sometimes feel better and then worse again, you also mention depression. I'm sorry, I've not had time to read your previous posts, so maybe you've already spoken about this; but if you are depressed, have you the support of a therapist?
And what exactly do you mean by feeling "worthless"? In a general sort of way about everything? What do you do in your life that helps you to see yourself as competent, good, loving, whatever it is that you are lacking?

Thanks for the replies.

While there certainly have been grains of truth in what my ex. has said, it is the words and actions of hers that make no sense in reality that have been the most hurtful, the traits that so many others have spoke about that ended up nearly destroying them.
My relationship has occurred during the worst time of my life, it is the combination of a number of things over time that have led me to exist as a broken empty shell of a person.

Really looking for advice from those who have overcome perfectionism, regained their self esteem, and got back the functioning in life they had before their BPD relationship but improved themselves by not being co-dependent anymore.