BPDFamily.com

She was angry the other day because I stood up for myself (I think... .).

It was Friday night, I was dead tired, went upstairs to bed and waited in the lit room for 20 minutes. Got up and turned the light off. She came into the room and flicked the light on, claiming that she forgot to take care of the cats. I said when I go to bed, I want to sleep without interruptions. She then keeps calling me a "a-hole" repeatedly when I never turn the light on when she is sleeping ahead of me.

So she held that grudge for two days after then, going on a trip before randomly texting me how I was doing. She finally returns on Monday, saying that she took the day off from work (she already can't pay the bills so this is insane!).

We go shopping and I have a cold. She isn't wearing her ring. She starts going over our argument from the previous day and her voice is insanely loud, enough to make a huge scene as we are walking the last 5-10 minutes back home. She is totally irrational at this point; my voice is calm, she is all over the place and cannot be reached mentally.

Suddenly, she turns around and feints at me. Then she swings both of her arms at me, connecting with my shoulder and a second time with my ear/cheek! This is in broad daylight, around 5PM, with cars going by on my right and witnesses maybe 50 metres away!

Instinctively, I could not control myself and swung back, i think hitting her glasses. She is very shocked, and I may have accidentally broken her glasses and cut her a bit. She is screaming her head off that I should "go away!" when she started this whole situation out of a simple argument. She is also shouting "WE'RE DONE!" and ":)IVORCE!" at the top of her lungs like a lunatic.

I find out she had called the cops and they showed up where we live. After explaining how I am a peaceful guy and she has hit me on a few occasions as well as her mother, I am lucky and they say they will make a report of it but the next time we will BOTH be going to jail. I thank the officers, they leave but shortly return for my wife's cat. My wife has then proceeded to remove me from Facebook, stop all contact, and seems to be living at a relative's house with her cat. She doesn't seem to have any work clothes or other necessary items so I am not sure how she is able to go to work or function. Have not seen her since yesterday.

She took our wedding photo down from Facebook and removed our status, even though we are still technically married and it would be a extra martial affair if she did anything with anyone else.

I am still in shock that this all happened. What is wrong with my wife?

I don't even know what to say - I can't imagine being at the end of that. I'm sorry you have to go through it.

If your wife has BPD then it's hard to say what is going on internally. I havn't read your previous posts on your situation - are you normally calm and understanding? (It reads like this is an extinction burst but that depends... .).

When she "holds a grudge" for a few days - that sounds like you didn't handle the situation well to start with. For instance when she turned on the light you said "when i go to bed I want to sleep without interuptions". Whilst true, and reasonable, that statement is very invalidating and cold. Is that what you said? Learning and using validation may be able to reduce her outbursts.

What do YOU want to happen next? Do you want to reconcile?

Sorry, I did not even be notified that there was a response to my message!

Yes, I was not expecting to be attacked. She is starting to speak to me BUT she insists that she wants a divorce. Her parents aren't very supportive unfortunately and won't jump into a situation and rationalize things. If she usually wants to do something, they are major ENABLERS.

I have tried to reason how she is losing hours at work and moving out and getting an apartment won't be financially feasible. She has said 'goodbye' to me over Facebook but hasn't totally blocked me yet. She still has my brother and is connected to me and her friends still... .even though she removed my other friends from her Facebook.

She wanted me to remove her from the lease but I refused -- so now claims she will pay the rent until MARCH 2017! (Or she may have meant until someone is found to takeover -- which I am uncomfortable with because I don't know people here!)

Do you think she might change her mind? She insists on getting a divorce but I warned her that its $450 and I cannot afford to get married again. My dad was supposed to talk to her but I don't think he called her.

Excuse me, I'm not being critical, but you just escaped Consequences, big time.  Very easily you could have been arrested.  Some members here have even been arrested when there was no physical violence.  (My lawyer was surprised that when I called 911 that neither of us was carted off.  He said the policy is my area is to always drive off with someone when responding to a domestic dispute call.  Actually, I think I was almost arrested.  But my preschooler wouldn't leave my arms when I was asked to give him to his mother and 'step away'.  As I look back, I've concluded my son saved me that day.)

If I may so bold as to ask, how did you not expect the discord and disputes to escalate over the years?  Though I haven't read all your posts, you've been here for over two years describing her inconsistent behaviors and the constant recycling of your relationship.  In two years you probably had some responses from members reminding you that if she wouldn't change (for the better) then it's up to you to take appropriate positive action.  Sadly, when the other doesn't improve and reduce the dysfunction, just about the only option left is to exit the relationship.

Well, now there there has been physical conflict and the police have become involved, you are at particular risk.  An observation noted here before is this:  If the spouse has contemplated or threatened allegations, then it WILL happen, given enough time.  Now that physical whatever has occurred, it is likely to occur again.  And next time the police may not drive away with the back seat empty.

"What is wrong with my wife?"  Two and a half years here, you know.  She is mentally ill, her behaviors are inconsistent, her perceptions are skewed, not enough to be committed but enough to put a close relationship into Danger territory.

"I cannot afford to get married again."  Face the facts.  You are an adult, she is an adult.  You can't live her life, she can't live your life.  You have a right to end the relationship, she has a right to end the relationship.  From what I'm reading, it seems you're trying to hold onto a dysfunctional and failing relationship.  That's not realistic, and now it's even risky.  Are you seeing a counselor?  Do you think you may be co-dependent?  She's not changing, have you pondered that it's time for you to change your hopes, goals and expectations?

Meanwhile, avoid disputes, arguments and scenarios that may put you at risk of police involvement.  Protect yourself.

Listen to FD.  He is right - you are very lucky.  I've had my own brush with Law Enforcement after being attacked by a pwPDxgf, all I did was push her off me, get behind a closed door, and call 911 because she was going berserk trying to get at me again.  She turned on the victimhood and persuasive blaming skills as soon as the cops showed up and I ended up in jail for the night.  It showed me 2 things -

1.  Her behavior was completely and totally under her control.  She choose when to rage and could choose when to morph into something else.  So it was all purposeful manipulation and abuse on her part.  Her behavior was not due to losing control of herself.  It was a big wake up call for me.  There was no more self-denial about her condition.  It wasn't a case where she lost control of herself. 

2.  I needed to get out of the relationship with her (we lived together at the time).  Since she obviously was totally under control and was choosing to abuse and act as she did towards me, I could and should not trust her as a partner.  She needed to go.  Period.

If she's not in your home, honestly, GOOD.  Don't let her back in.  What every cop, counselor, and other professional will tell you when discussing how to protect yourself in these situations is very simple - Do not be around the other person.  Period.  If you're not around them, no further incidents can happen. 

I'm not saying you have to divorce right now.  You can make that decision later.  Right now I strongly advise you to go No Contact with her as much as possible, get yourself your own counselor, and consult a lawyer.  Get your own mind cleared out from FOG, and to do that you need No Contact.  After you've stabilized your own mentality, THEN jump into dealing with the future of your marriage when you have a clear head.

Back in 2010, my now ex and I were separated. She kicked our oldest son out of her place and called me to tell me to pick him up, if I don't she was calling the police, and she wanted nothing to do with him. He was 10 or 11 at the time. I went to pick him up. The short story, I was arrested and charged with assault. I never touched her in any way. I was tried and convicted of disorderly conduct and sentenced to two weeks in jail.
I now have a video recorder and an audio recorder with me whenever I expect her to be near me.
Listen to FD.

I will adamantly agree with those who say you should never strike back no matter what. I have been punched, slapped, kicked and things thrown at my face and head and I never once struck back. I am a ranked martial artist and I could have caused so much damage no orthopedic surgeon could have put her back together again. I never ever fought back. I used to hold her, in a bear hug until she stopped a few times. But when I gently let go of her, she would flop on the floor as if I threw her. So I stopped trying to hold her so I would just cover up. However she cracked my ribs and caused an open wound on my chin close to my throat where she punched me and cut me with her ring. That landed her in jail with a DV charge and an eventual conviction.  After that she has proceeded in getting multiple arrests, charges and convictions. As my attorney states "sh's circling the drain".

The stbxBPDw has hit me during our 10 year marriage but it was during the devaluation stage she really escalated the violence. After her DV arrest she beat me on two other occasions. BTW, my D10, D8 and S6 saw two of these beatings. And the one that got her throw in jail, the BPD mother in law said nothing as she watch and afterwards she claimed that she was calling the police that I hit her daughter. Well the MIL watched as the stbxBPDw was kicking and fighting with the cuffs on her as 2 cops carried her over their shoulders out of the house and into the squad car. Of course the stbxBPDmil tells me it was all my fault and I deserved it. Darn BPD!

I doubt there will be a next time that some woman tried to punch me, but if it did ever happen again I will duck, pivot, jump, run, or anything but hit back or block, yes I won't block, if by chance she breaks her hand guess who gets to try on some nice new shinny handcuffs?

I am a good law abiding citizen and take pride in showing by example how to be a good person to my three children. Finally I could never live with myself if I ever hit a woman, for me it just is the wrong thing to do.

That's insane!

Before it looked like she had merely deactivated her Facebook account as I swear I was able to see it earlier today. Now, when I had checked, it was obvious she had blocked me sometime today so she doesn't have to think of me this weekend... or at least try not to. I kept one of her friends on my Facebook but removed her second account and counter-blocked it. Hey, if she needs to know anything about me, she can simply ask!

She claims any future in-person correspondence will require an escort, which is totally insane. I suspect she was depressed because of her cat Max having advanced kidney failure/diabetes and now she is hitting the manic stage, blocking me and claiming she will start working out at the gym and become superwoman!

It's insane because I spent hundreds of dollars moving here, lived off of E.I., got married in February to her, and now she wants a DIVORCE 5 months after our wedding AND never wants to see me again... .Claiming our marriage was a 'mistake' even though she can barely get by even with my financial assistance.

She has said goodbye so many times it hurts my brain. I have a lease here until MARCH 2017 as I said and she claims she wants an apartment... .even though $600 or $795.00 a month seems to be the cheapest one... which is ONLY $200 less than we are paying here but we have 3 rooms and those ones are single bedrooms... Not sure how she can afford those on her own, pay her cell-phone, food, hydro, cat food, Internet, etc.

This is why I never made a joint account at a bank. I told her it was a bad idea.

So still they come back around and regret assaulting you, abandoning you, divorcing you, etc.?

Not all,  but some do come back around to regret it.  My ex (we never married but we have kids) started telegraphing this 4 months after she married her "affair" partner, which was 1.5 years after she left me for him, and she was so arrogant and narcissistic about it in the beginning.  More senior members have told me that this happens.  Ultimately,  it means little other than we need to protect ourselves legally. 

During some moments during the devaluation stage the stbxBPDw has shown remorse in front of the kids and me when she would state "mommy will never be that way again." "That way" is a term my D10 started to describe stbxBPDw in a rage, drunk, high or otherwise someone else, sometimes accompanied by a strange little girl voice coming from the stbxBPDw 36 year old mouth. Now all sorts of safeguards are in place for this during her parenting time.

Anyway the apologies and remorse, albeit for what seems during flickering moments have ended. The kids and I don't buy it anymore anyway, they and I know mommy lies.

She is now all consumed on the new replacement, doesn't even try to contact the kids when I have them, I have them a lot.

I really don't think I will get any apologies in the near or distant future for many reasons but for one because I have been painted black by her and her mother, also of course BPD, and a host of others in and about the communities we live including church members.

I think that I being the trigger is such a big blast to her past shame she will always resort to self harm, new replacements or other ways to self medicate her hurting.

It's really weird that she ransacked the house last Saturday, taking all of her things but leaving the couch, bed, the kitchen table while taking basic useful items (spoons, detergent, washer and dryer, etc.).

She then returned a bowl of mine outside my front door yesterday. The cops gave a verbal warning in mid-August saying I should not speak to her and vice versa. I had informed them that she had breached this no contact warning by entering my home (she had left it for weeks but was on the lease) -- even after the police said I could be there with her whenever she picks up her things -- and they said that it is just a verbal warning so they can't enforce it? (WHAT?)

That bowl did not come from anyone but her. Should I expect more contact soon?

A number of things you've said I want to highlight:
- You talk about how SHE cannot afford to live without you.
- You told her not to divorce you because "it'll cost $450".
- You worry about her welfare.

Where is YOU in this? Why are you spending all your time worrying about HER? What do YOU want? Are you projecting YOUR fears (of being broke, alone) onto her?

I find it very suprising (and sad) that when she talks of divorce you didn't say anything about wanting to be with her, about loving her, about missing her.

I think you need to really sit down and reflect on what YOU feel - then choose your way ahead... .

I know how I feel and it should be obvious. Thanks for the troll reply.

I apologise if I offended - that's certainly not my intent.

It is often very easy to get swept up in the drama and become part of something that perhaps isn't what you want. So it is not obvious that you love her. You may well - and that is great - but all your writing here is about HER and HER life.

My question is still relevant. How do YOU feel? Are YOU worried about finance problems if she leaves? A lot of your posts are about the cost of divorce, the costs of rent, etc.

Back in 2007 my xBPDw ran away. She took our two boys (4.5 and 8.5 at the time). I had no idea where they were and she would not answer her phone. I retained an attorney and filed for custody. After two weeks I finally got to see out two boys.
A few weeks later she came back to the house and took a lot of things including all the exterior door locks. I called the police and went inside with them to get some of my things. I was not sure what I would find. Close to half of the things were gone. I went to my brothers that night. I came back the next day to find that she had installed new locks on all the doors. We had a hearing a few days later about the house so I figured I would wait. The judge granted me the house. When I finally gained access I saw there was nothing left in the house. She literally emptied it. The house had 47 electrical outlet covers. She unscrewed them all. The three bathroom toilet paper holders were gone. I mean everything. Some things were broken or smashed on the floor and I had to clean that up.
You are not dealing with a rational person. Protect yourself.

She has always been good at not taking my things fortunately. I am half expecting a charm attempt after she dropped off that bowl.

Mine cleared the house out leaving me with just the kids beds and rubbish.  Even took my dead sisters belongings.  And took a rebate on a utility bill overpayment... a bill I was paying, because she refused to pay anything towards mortgage and bills.

Also ... .mine had me in police custody- no charges.  Another occasionl interviewed by police under caution- no charges.  Also police arriving to check on me as she alleged I was going to kill our kids.  Also allegations to my employer- fortunately no action taken by my employer.  Also allegations to CPS a few times- again no further action.  Also allegations to the school- which has caused me no end of trouble and stress.

All of this on top if her getting a criminal record for assaulting me. Numerous assaults, death threats... .etc.

I think it's important to protect yourself.  Past behaviour is a good predictor of future behaviour.

Ditto.  And a truism here... .If it has been threatened or even just contemplated, it will happen, given enough time.  Be aware, beware.

My now-Ex and I spent our first 8 years of marriage as religious volunteers.  Then we had a child when at the 12 year mark.  I had made the mistake of thinking that having a child would fix our serious problems, oops, she got more unbalanced.  I filed when we had been married 15 years and the final decree was issued just days after our 18th anniversary.  Well, she had gotten very angry with rants and rages more and more often in the final year or two.  She did threaten me but evidently didn't know how.  Once we separated (trigger was she threatened my life) she then realized she could make allegations.  The first one was that I let our son tip his stopped bike in the park a couple months before and get hospital handling (a cast but not even a scratch).  Well, that allegation only resulted in CPS telling court that they had "no concerns" about me.  Subsequent allegations followed, each increasingly serious, even to the point of alleging (unproveable) "son told her... ." child abuse of the worst sort imaginable.

I would never in a thousand years have imagined she could do it given our history, but she did.  That's how severely a PD can warp and distort a person's perceptions and actions.  Better to protect yourself as best you can with documentation that you're not the one behaving poorly.  Prepare for the worst while hoping it won't get that bad.

Rosesarered.

This a really tough path to walk. I know what it feels like to be there. I think most have illustrated that you have been quite fortunate so far by avoiding serious censure. Keep that momentum going.

It's easier to wait and see what happens. But no sports team ever succeeded by waiting to see what happens. I'm learning that to be one step ahead really helps.

What is your next step Roses?

This year has definitely been rough. Moving to somewhere new, finding a job, then having the opposite of her schedule... .then her raging and leaving. Then losing the job the other day even though I did nothing significantly wrong that warranted it.

 I am waiting because I feel scummy trying to find someone new, even though people often think 'separation' is a 'hall pass' of sorts to do whatever. In the eyes of the law, it isn't. To me, I am a very loyal guy and have seen no reason to believe 7 years can be easily replaced. She should hopefully realize this... eventually.

Apart of me is still holding on and hoping she will return and want kids again. The other part wants me to move back home after my lease is up or find someone new. I have tried for years to find someone new but they are either sketchy, didn't really want me but just to use me (fortunately only happened once) and she was the only one who wanted kids, marriage and a house. I thought we could improve things with therapy and medication but she wants to use grocery-level "meds" and not be exposed and admit she has an illness properly.

For someone who says she is totally done, it is weird that she added another image as her profile picture that talks about being "done":

"I usually give people more chances than they deserve, but once I'm done I'm done."

Do you think she on the verge of breaking down and giving me another chance? This suggests it... My friend says she is seeking attention because its been 3 months since contact...

It sounds like she's broadcasting a message.  It might be for you,  but probably more for her.  Do your feelings about this elicit any action on your part?

She has me blocked on everything imaginable. I know that our lives were better together and financially, she was making progress paying her college loans faster than she had in  a decade-plus. I suspect she is projecting this message so I realize that she doesn't want to come back... but she has said this a few times before so it's hard to believe we are completely "done for good". As long as she stays unmedicated, I doubt she can stay angry for much longer... 2-3 months is the time when she usually reaches out so I don't know...

Is that your perspective?  That she can "give you another chance"?  Since it's likely that neither spouse is 100% responsible for the problems, who has the loin's share?  You?  Your spouse?  If her, then why cast it as though you're the one misbehaving and seeking another chance?

These ever-increasing cycles of hate/love/hate, push/pull are like a roller coaster.  At first it's a thrill but if you never get off then you get nauseous and car sick.  Do you want to get back on?  Do you want the roller coaster to moderate to a kiddie coaster?  Or do you just want off?  We here in peer support may have our own perspectives but it is yours that counts.

We always encourage counseling, for the kids, for you, for the spouse.  Family courts like counseling too.  They can order it for the children but will only suggest it for the adults.  Courts don't try to fix people by forcing therapy, they take a shortcut and deal with people the way they are.  That means that if your spouse refuses therapy, no one will make her do it.  (Even if she agrees to therapy, there is no way to make make her actually listen and apply the counsel.)  An indication, admittedly a very general observation, is that a dysfunctional marriage's only hope is if the spouses get therapy and apply it.

So if you want a reunification, will it be on healthier terms (boundaries) or will it revert to the same old behaviors and recurring conflict?

I guess the best answer I can give you is that she is very angry --- or appeared to be in the online dating profile that I just found of hers!

We are separated but legally we are still married. Kind of a shocker to see her on there. Her photo is of a very angry 30-something. Doesn't encourage people to want to reply but oh well. I am just going to stay clear because there is nothing else I can do at the moment.

If she came back, she would need therapy with me and to get on some real medication, not something from Loblaws to be honest...