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I have been reading a lot about trauma bonding and it strikes a chord. I read that people get habituated to stress (it changes the neural pathways in the brain and the body gets used to the stress chemicals), so normal non-stressful situations seems flat-lined. I had a tremendous amount of stress growing up. I have been realizing recently that i thrive on stimulation, intensity and excitement. I need interesting ideas and people and situations to thrive. I chose a career (newspaper reporter) that would fill this and have lived in and traveled to parts of the world that are unsafe. My best relationships have been unhealthy -- either with a messed up person or a stable, nice person in an unstable situation. Am I doomed? Is there anyway to change this, so I'll be happy with a normal, committed, balanced, healthy relationship?

I don't engage in risky behaviors otherwise -- no drugs, alcohol, etc. I drive the speed limit. I'm a pretty stable mother for my children.

I wouldn't go all the way to doomed yet Narkiss, not even.  It's helpful to connect with what your response to stressful situations gave you, what need it met.  For me, if there is always some sort of external intensity going on, focusing on that, maybe by necessity at first, but then habitually, gives us a handy way to ignore or avoid our own feelings, which was really the point initially, it helped us cope with situations that were too intense to handle.  But then like you say, it forms neural pathways and we get addicted to it, and forget they may be other ways to cope, and not only that, always looking externally for stimulation deadens us, makes all of our emotions less available.

So the answer: slow down and feel.  We suck at it initially, and hard to do, we're wired to look for the next jolt of attention-getter, but ever notice every thing we practice we get better at?  My thing was running, figuratively, and I found countless ways to outrun my emotions, for decades, so learning something new is not going to happen in a day.  But it gets a lot better.  When we eliminate distractions, no technology, no TV, no people, no overly demanding pressures and stressors, and just slow down and be instead of do, practice human being instead of human doing, it gets easier and more comfortable.  One thing that works for me is to take a walk out in nature somewhere, solo is best, and no stress, nowhere to be, no time limit, just amble, and if we're not used to that our brain will get very talky, and after a while we can just let the brain chatter happen but step to one side of it, removed from it, and be who we are, not our thoughts, and they interfere less.

And after a while we start to feel, emotions crop up, the goal being to feel them all the way, feel through them.  Some are surprising, all of them have something to teach us, and the ones that are getting in our way need to leave, and the only way out is through.  Healthy grieving is immensely purifying and freeing.


And the best way to create a normal, committed, balanced, healthy relationship is to be those things ourselves first.  We are NOT stuck in any kind of emotional place, emotions are like an ocean or a storm, always coming and going, always changing.  What if we cultivated and nourished our core in the middle of that, that calm in the eye of the storm, always centered and never the storm?  That place is available to us with practice, that is literally all it takes, and once we get to that place and live there, we get mighty attractive to folks who are also in that place!  Our best days are ahead of us... .