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I’m wrapping my head around the concepts of fear of abandonment, engulfment and annihilation, but where does devaluation fit in. My ex’s devaluation of me played a big role in our relationship. Nothing was out of limits, my physical appearance, thoughts, feelings, character, achievements. All attacked at one point or another. Did yours do this and for what reason? Is it associated with BPD or is it narcissistic? Is it a means to offload negativity or purposely diminish someone's self-esteem because if that's the case it worked.


 

Hi L-

Yes, the devaluation stage is a standard part of the progression of a relationship with a borderline.  The core of it is relationships with borderlines are inherently unstable, and there comes a point where the fears of abandonment and engulfment are too strong, and shame creeps in, and all of that feels bad, so off it on their partner, the more intense the feelings, the more attacking and projecting, no stone left unturned, very painful to be on the receiving end.  

Here's an article that explains it another way; see if you can relate: Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves)

And the benefit for us now is to see what was ours and what was a borderline's response to their own emotions.  I was far from perfect in my relationship, especially under stress, and deconstructing that now is a great way to get useful info about ourselves moving forward.

When a pwBPD devalues you they feel better about themselves; gives them needed validation, it doesn't matter if it is realistic or not (my ex. projected her cheating onto me, didn't matter how much proof she had in reality to show her otherwise, to the point of seeing things that never happened).

Devaluation also pushes you away when you get too close, soothes their fear of engulfment at the moment, but is so confusing and painful because you expect the opposite when things are going well and you're getting closer.

it allows them to justify their actions

when faced with the harsh reality of their actions and the truth that you are wonderful their world falls apart and they withdraw deeper into their fantasy world

happened on my 20th wedding anniversary, everyone was telling her how lucky she was. invalidating the facade she had in her head.

she just wanted me to leave and move on as she couldn't cope with my love.

then when i did i had abandoned her, and she dragged me back.

but i then placed a boundary, she had to come clean be honest and get help.

i price that was too high for her to pay!

but i made her make that decision then i left and i am now getting divorced.

Dear married21years (or others to whom this may be relevant), did you and your wife have children? I am not trying to be intrusive and this question is posed to anyone on this board who may have children; I have not stumbled across (and maybe I just need to read more) posts that relate to the children of married NONs and uBPDs. I am worried about my daughters and the effect of my uBPDw on them and I worry about the effect of the divorce I am committed to pursue at this point. Where and how can I get help to help them? I have started seeing a therapist and I am sure she will be able to help me, but I want to round up as much guidance/advice as I can. Thank you in advance to anyone who can offer me help, Green River

yes i have a 19yo daughter 

i stayed for my daughter with positive effects

but my daughter is codependent and a crutch for my ex

i am trying to fight this and help my daughter but the flying monkeys are a real issue the get past to get through to her!
 |iiii

M21Y,

Thanks for sharing; the only thing that haunts me inmy decision is the fear that leaving the marriage will harm my daughter more than I hurt them. I currently feel that I can be a greater help on my own - creating a safe place for them, being able to be myself and talk with them freely (away from accusations of triangulation, etc); I think I will also be modeling self respect and self care ... .but ... .I worry i will also be creating insecurities in them (by seeing  me leave their mother, actually, I plan on asking her to leave - she can have our retirement funds, I want the home - she has always said she hates the neighborhood and our neighbors - big surprise, so that should be doable). Any way, am I a crazy to think it divorce could be better than my daughters or am I just hiding/rationalizing a selfish need to be free of the marriage?

confused and worried,

GR

Yes, mine did this and early on as well. So the rollercoaster ride began very early in the relationship.

In terms of being BPD or NPD, my understanding is that the devaluing behaviour is common to both, though the motivation may be different and bear in mind,  personality disorders can overlap (co-morbidity)

Reasons, well for me I think the following

- Lack of emotional maturity, so just thought about herself, so actions ended up devaluing me - but perhaps as she put it, by being "thoughtless"

- She had a victim mentality and I think expected me to be her saviour, and so when I failed to "rescue" her, she was then entitled to punish me.

- When she was emotionally dysregulated, especially after discarding me, it was I believe projection (of her personal failures). I think this because half hour after insulting me, she seemed relieved and happy and almost unaware of what emotional damage she had just inflicted on me.

- I think almost just for fun, to put herself into the "one-up" position in the relationship

- To provoke a reaction

Did it hurt me yeah, you bet. Any devaluation from a loved one is infinitely more hurtful than from an aquantance or a stranger. But I try to remember she is unwell and these are coping mechanisms to make her feel better. It is a shame they had to be at my expense. No contact gives us the space to process the hurt and escape the drama cycle. Could be worth reading up on the Kaplan drama triangle maybe. It helped me to understand the dynamics of what she was pulling me into to.

I believe my exgf did this to feel better about her self. Im certain she has low self esteem so the more flaws I have then the less flawed she is.

 C<||| Green River

its better to go and have the daughters when you can,

you cannot continue like this

at least they will have a place of safety to come to if u leave

For my sons I believe it is best that I left. My eldest now live with me and are the happiest I have ever known them. My other son lives with his mum (different mums) and I believe will have a better chance of growing up without too much baggage by having me as a seperate role model and not seeing me as a door mat like how his mum treated me when we were together.

seperate parenting has its pros and cons but for me and my children the pros outweigh the cons.

Just remember if you do seperate the the children must come first. Dont get drawn into power games with them and dont say anything negative about their mum to them. Be the bigger person and set an example for them to live up to.

i tried that and lost my daughter,

i have to now come clean and explain it all as the pwBPD will paint you black and will recruit them

I told my eldest when they came to live with me that I believed their mum was BPD.I hadnt planned to but they asked why she behaved the way she does.

I never bad mouth their mum yhough and they have commented on this. They asked why I dont do it as she does it all the time. My reply is because im the bigger person.

I did have one advantage when explaining about their mums possible condition. My eldest had seen how my exgf had treated me. I believe she is also BPD and explained about it to my sons. When I said that their mum might be BPD the penny dropped with them. They saw my exgfs behaviour and their mums and realised it was almost identical.