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This BPD relationship has tainted me and made me feel sick.  I feel like there's a disease reeking havoc on my body and mind.  It's as though my ex spread her BPD disease to me and now, its insidious symptoms of self doubt, emptiness, chaos and fear have taken hold. 

I need an emotional blood transfusion to cleanse my mind and soul of this disease.  I want to remove it from my being so that I can see my life as free again.  Free from this sickness.  I absolutely despise my ex for spreading her disgusting disease to me.  I have never felt evil like this. 

So what does that look like for you Wize?

 

although slowly recovering -I understand what you mean -I have never felt this disillusioned, detached, nihilistic, cynical and hopeless about life, society and humanity-and if I did it was many years ago -back in teenage times. I feel like a moody teenager who has just discovered Nietzhe or something! I feel so jaded it is awful to feel like this at this age-I always thought I'd miss out on mid life crisis as I was going to make damn sure I was with someone and in a life I created that was full of meaning and identity---- My life was gradually unfolding nicely- going steadily upwards-still ups and downs but manageable-----til the point I met him and it sky rocketed but crashed right back down to zero... .I try and hold to idea that I will develop excellent self care skills from now on and will re-evaluate what I believe is important in life and what my purpose on this planet is  

 C<||| cherryblossom         

Good post.  Made me chuckle a little.  The skyrocketing up and then crashing down... .I relate so much it hurts.  It literally feels like smashing to the ground. And now I'm still cleaning up my wounds.  And like you, I haven't given up.  I'm disillusioned as hell about life and people, but I just don't have it in me to give up, so I'll move forward.

I honestly don't know.  Maybe it's getting into a new relationship so that all that disease can be replaced by healthy feelings.  Maybe it means just forging ahead and putting more time and distance between me and pwBPD. That's difficult though as we're involved in a nasty divorce.

I dreamt about my ex last night and that's probably why I woke up feeling sick... .and thus this thread.

Good work---keep going!  

Nice!  Sounds like a benefit of the borderline rocketship ride yes?

I'm starting a 12 week Reiki practitioner course with a close friend in Sep. I will post my experience on these boards- I am hoping I will have some cleansing through channeling the positive force of Reiki. Many people say it changed their life for the better. I have a friend who is now a masseuse- she explained how training in something as such i.e complementary energy healings -although you may feel initially worried that energy will be drained from you -you actually gain more positive energy and healing-through the meeting of like minded people and testing new skills on each other

Was it in color?  My dreams are usually in black and white, but the really significant ones are always in color.  I had vibrant full-color dreams with my ex in them every night for months, with my belief being that was my brain rewiring itself to make sense of the world again, and one day they stopped.  Rewiring done.  She hasn't made an appearance in a dream since, but the other night I had one with a frenemy of mine lying in a ditch; what's that about?  Black and white though... .


You could do that, with the understanding that if you haven't fully processed the last one yet, you will change in the new relationship once you do, and "rebound" relationships have a low success rate with people potentially getting hurt.  Not trying to talk you out of it especially, although you might consider the thought that the borderline pain can stop with you, or you can pass it on.


Sorry about the nasty divorce, that is difficult.  
Have you looked at the five stages of detachment over there? ------>
Note the last one is freedom, and worthy goal yes?