BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone,

It's been two days of NC because I have expressed to him that I can no long accept the verbal abuse and that I must set my boundaries. I let him know that I do love him and the last thing I want to do is harm him in any way at all, and to please message me when he feels ready. He has read all my messages but hasn't made any effort to reply. So as of right now I'm torn deeply inside, I've been crying for the past two days and have thwarted off any "alone" time. It's been so bad that I've chosen to stay at my parents house because I just don't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. I miss him so deeply, but the comfort from my family (especially my dad) is really helping me through. I feel sorry for him however, because he is alone with his thoughts and fears. He has no one to turn to in his times of sorrow. I just hope he comes around soon, but after reading about BPD break ups I'm more than sure that he probably won't be. I'm broken over the fact that while I'll still be hurting over this in a months time, he may just have someone else by his side. I feel hopeless, but I need to stay firm to what I've said about my boundaries. I feel that if he truly loved or even cared for me, he'd try to make sense of what I need. But at the same time, I realize that if he does have BPD trying to make sense of this all is like a foreign language to him. I told him that I still want to be with him, I gave him reassurence inbetween the lines of me saying that I can no longer take the abuse. I don't know what else to do? Do I break the NC and just message him? Or do I move forward and hope for the best for both of us? We message over an app called LINE, as he is in a different country. He did have a profile picture posted and a very cute/endearing "love note" written to me as his status - but has since take down both after he has read my messages. I know it's obserd to look too deeply into it, but what could that possibly mean? Is he completely over it? When we'd argue before hand, he would take down any love indications to frustrate or trigger me into messaging him over and over again with obsession. Now everything feels different, as I'm well aware of the games he plays. I don't know what to do? I know it seems silly and childish. Please help?

Hi Masuimi 

These relationships are difficult. Of course, many of us find they are very difficult during this stage. A breakup with my ex was one of the most difficult things I've had to endure.

I felt lonely too when my ex and I stopped talking. It's okay to seek out people that could support us during times when it's stressful. It's okay to look for healthy others to be around.

It's okay if things seem silly and childish. Often we want things that seem silly and childish but they turn out to be valid things that we interpret as "basic" wants. Some things to me are trivial, but I try not to let that get in my way of acknowledging them. If we can acknowledge them, that puts us in a position to figure them out when it's time to do so.

I'd like to encourage you to continue to take steps to promote what you think is good for you. Boundaries and limits can be very beneficial steps. They are difficult sometimes, for both the enforcing non and the other person to handle. :)

It gets better. I look forward to hearing more of your story.  :)

Hi Masuimi-


Good for you!  And it is very painful and confusing, we understand.  The best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, and being with your family is a good move.


The best thing to do is make a firm decision, a real decision.  We're conflicted coming out of these relationships, our heart wants one thing and our head knows another thing is right for us, so what to do?  Many of us decided it's best to trust your head right now, you can't trust your heart, so do what you know if best, as painful as that is, and eventually your heart will catch up with your head.  And we can help along the way, since you'll go through a lot of emotions now that you've removed yourself from the abuse.


For a borderline it means he's feeling abandoned, the worst thing that can happen, so he needs to erase everything to do with you and maybe project all his self-blame onto you, purely to feel better.


No, not silly and childish, you're emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness who abused you, so you're in survival mode and have been rocked to your core.  We understand.  And we also understand that it gets way, way better if you work through the process.  Take care of you!

Hi gotbushels,

Thank you so much for replying! I'm not sure what is good for me at this point in time, but I do know that the constant blaming and emotional abuse has taken a very nasty toll on me - physically and mentally. I've tried my best to express my thoughts to him but each time I was met with a firestorm of rage, hurt, and lastly disconnection (I am always having to grovel back and say sorry). I am supposed to be flying to Canada in a week to met him, but as of right now I suppose that is no longer on the table. In some small way it is a bit releaving because of the fact that if we were to argue face to face, his rage and aggression could be placed physically onto me. He's young (he's 21 and I'm 23) and I honestly felt afraid of him when the anger would surface (he'd get drunk and punch walls or throw things). I know it's best to let go of him and move on with my life, but I feel stuck in my thoughts of victimizing him. I assume that he has BPD and that he needs to be nurtured and loved because he has never before experience those things. I also constantly think about the life we planned on building together and the steps he has already taken for me to start moving in with him. He has spent time and money creating this false hope and fantasy (even getting a second job to help pay for new things around his house for us). I don't know how to detach myself from that. I am now stuck with a plane ticket, a broken heart/dream, and no where in Canada to stay (since I was going to be staying at his house for the two weeks). My family has expressed to just go somewhere else, but my heart is in Canada. I'm surprised I still even have a heart that feels after the hell he has dragged me through.

Hi fromheeltoheal,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! I understand very well that I must do what is right for me. My heart feels as if it needs to nurture his spirit, as I too suffer from deep seeded fears of abandonment. I don't ever want anyone to feel that way, especially when it is someone I love so deeply. I don't understand how one can feel so abandoned even when there is such constant reassurance and love avalible for him. Please help me understand  I feel as if I am in a stage of denial and that I need to just run back to him. I know that nothing can be the same now, even when he has always expressed how he never wants things to change. I wish on some level that I could do the things that he is doing to me right now; I wish I could just delete all evidence and forget the love ever existed. Looking back on a past relationship, I see that what he is doing to me is something I have done to another person as well. I didn't realize how much pain something like this could inflict. It's shaken me to my very core. I'm still feeling helpless, but not hopeless. I just want the pain to go away and for me to be able to return to the person I used to be.

(You can also read my reply to gotbushels, as I could use some insite into those things as well. Thank you so much.)

"if we were to argue face to face, his rage and aggression could be placed physically onto me. He's young (he's 21 and I'm 23) and I honestly felt afraid of him when the anger would surface"

Do you want to fly to Canada to experience this again?
I know from experience the highs of a BPD relationship can be very high, but those lows... .they are the reason you are where you are, which is finally beginning to take YOU into consideration.  Turning your thoughts towards YOU is the very beginning step needed in your process of recovery.  

 "I know it's best to let go of him and move on with my life, but I feel stuck in my thoughts of victimizing him."

I can completely empathize with your thought process here, as I recycled so many times with emotions revolving around this same premise.  I loved her, I could help her, I could fix her.  
Once I finally took myself into account, I realized I was the victim.  The victim of the illness known as BPD.  She lived in a BPD world, one full of her own reality, one we nons simply cannot comprehend as normal... .and I've learned that's it's the same for most all of the sufferers of this horrible illness.

I cannot tell you not to get on that flight, nor can anyone else.  That choice is yours to make.  I suggest you take inventory on where you are, and what kind of life you would like to see yourself in for YOUR future.  Look at your words you've typed here.  Look at the fact that you are even here posting on this board.  
I'm so sorry you're going through this, you have found a wonderful support system here, and obviously with your family.  My advice... .make any decisions based on what is good for YOU and YOU alone.  

Every human on the planet fears abandonment on some level, since we're social animals, born to connect, and some more than others depending on individual circumstances and our pasts, but for a borderline it's different.  A borderline needs to attach to someone to feel whole, feel like they are complete, not in a Hallmark card "you complete me" way, but in a fusing of psyches so two people become one kind of way, as opposed to two autonomous people coming together to create something between them called a relationship while never losing their individuality.  So for him it's black and white, you're either attached or you're not, and if you ended it because of the abuse, you've abandoned him, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline.  That's hard to hear, but leaving someone who is violating your boundaries is a good thing, when you put yourself first, and I realize the pain comes from connecting with putting your needs first is letting go of the needs of someone you love, which sucks.  But it got to the point where there was no choice yes?


That might seem easier, but feeling everything and processing it so you can heal is the right way; he's using psychological tools he's developed to not feel, because feeling hurts too much and he can't regulate it at all.  You don't want that.


Nice!  That's detaching, and it will happen.  And also, borderlines have an unstable sense of self, and as mentioned a need to attach, and it's only been 2 days, so there's a strong possibility of him contacting you, and the best thing you can do is bolster your resolve and take care of yourself very well, otherwise you may find yourself back with him if he catches you in a weak moment, and the cycle will repeat.  Take care of you!

Hi drained1996 and fromheeltoheal,

Thank you so much for your replies :) I appreciate the insite into what could possibly be going through his mind and why he feels abandoned. Though it hurts me, and I try to disconnect from the fact that he sees me as the reason for his pain and suffering (something I never wanted to do to him ever), I understand that it is how his mind works and that nothing I do for him can change that.

I know for certain that I do not want to have to deal with the repercussions of staying in this relationship for much longer. The fear of losing myself and my sanity is much more than my fear of being alone or without him. Though it hurts so deeply right now, and my soul feels bruised and broken, I cannot continue to justify his abuse because of his illness. I'm having difficulty facing the truth in some ways and just blocking him permanently, as I believe I am hoping for a least some closure or reconciliation (I know neither of these will probably happen).

I built my hopes around this man-child/boy who would constantly tell me that he loved me for everything I was and that I was the only one who had ever shown him unconditional love. He'd tell me that everything was for me, and that anything I could ever want he would find a way to give to me. Who wouldn't fall for such romantic words? But I realize now that even though he probably meant those things at the time, his BPD is the reason to blame for him overselling this false dream and not being able to live up to it.

I know that it is best to not get on that dreaded flight. My heart is saying "Yes, you can fix him. He told you that you are his first love. He hasn't had with anyone else what he had with you. He will change, you will see. You are his first REAL relationship, he's still learning. Give it time." but my mind is saying "The words don't matter, it's the actions he has taken that shows you who he is. Remember when he called you weak and ignored you for crying? Or told you that he would never give you what you asked for? Or any other awful thing he has done or said? That isn't love."

I just need to get over this hump of seeing him as a victim of his crappy childhood. I connected so deeply to that because I also grew up in a broken home. I'm broken hearted and scared of an uncertain future, because he sold me on this idea of being constantly loved by him and taken care of. I realize that we both had our hand in the demise of the relationship, I am very insecure and have expressed my disbelief in him when he would compliment me on my beauty, tell me that he would never leave me, or express how he was different from everyone else. Yes, he was different, but in a way that harmed me much more than I couldn't have ever fathomed. I know that my insecurities played a huge role in his rage against me, along with him working two jobs and being tired all the time... .It didn't help when my neediness would surface and I'd become, what he saw as, ridiculous and annoying. We're both very young and inexperienced in life and ultimately how to have a healthy adult relationship. He doesn't want to seek help, he doesn't even know he has BPD (I speculated on it after coming across an article about BPD online). He's expressed multiple times that he would only accept help from me, but I had/have neither the strength, security, or maturity to help him at all - even though deep down in my heart all I want to do is give him so much of my love and affection. I have sought out the tools and knowledge through various websites, but it seems as though my soft-heart is too much defeated by constant bashing and abuse to try to implement them. I've come to the sad conclusion that I can't fix a broken person, I can't even fix the broken parts of myself.

If he does try to contact me again, is there any advice that can be given as to how I can handle it without being drawn back in? I know how this cycle will go and I know that it will hurt much more the longer I continue to hold on.

I apologize for this being so long.

And yes fromheeltoheal, it feels like it has gotten to the point of having no other choice but to step back. I would constantly wake up with nausea, headaches, and anxiety. I couldn't keep anything down for a month and have lost 15 pounds because of it. I'd travel through my day on the verge of tears or a mental breakdown. Being around him would cause resentment and frustration (even though I masked it with soft voices and submissiveness). When he would blame me for things, sometimes just to get a rise out of me (he called it being a troll), I would feel sick to my stomach and excuse myself to the bathroom. I would come back just to be met with hostility and an attitude of "what-the-f*ck-ever, you're so f*cking unreal sometimes".

It feels like a shock to my psyche from going through 5 months of texting and constant video calls to absolutely nothing at all. I feel as if my loneliness will overtake my better judgement and I'll reconnect with him. I felt lonelier with him but I have no clue how to be absolutely alone anymore. I had a best friend, which whom I met him through, but my flourishing relationship with him was the demise of my relationship with her. I have since then made other friends, and while they have expressed that they are here for me as a shoulder to cry on, I have a low self-esteem and just feel as if I'll be burdening them with my depression.

"If he does try to contact me again, is there any advice that can be given as to how I can handle it without being drawn back in? I know how this cycle will go and I know that it will hurt much more the longer I continue to hold on."

My experience showed me that No Contact was the only way I was going to be able help me in my process.  Anytime there was some Limited Contact the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) overwhelmed me and I became susceptible to her manipulation and seduction.  
Your answers lie in your own wants and needs.  
Are you ready to terminate this relationship for good?  It seems that way in your mind... .and I understand the tugging your heart is giving the other way.  
If you are ready to end this r/s, are you well enough at this point to protect the boundaries you may set if LC is the route you take?
Like I said above, NC was the only way for me to get out of the FOG.  Each process is different and we all have to choose our own way.  
Just know anytime you have questions or need to hear from people who have shared similar circumstances you will always find support here.  You're headed in the right direction, and we are proud of you for seeking out help and support!  
Do what's best for YOU!  
Have you thought of seeking out a Therapist (T) to help you through this and into your recovery if that's the route you choose?

I have considered seeking out a Therapist, even before meeting him. I will probably go ahead and do that within these next couple of weeks.

I'm not sure what route would be the best, but it's looking as if NC is the only option as of right now. My fears of this turning even uglier than it already is, if I continue to hold on, is prompting me to run away. I'm conflicted as to whether or not I should block him off all together, so there is no way of him or his replies getting back to me (especially since I expressed my desire to want to stay with him and work things out) - or just keeping the line open out of guilt because I feel as if I truly have just "abandoned" him and our relationship. I'm scared of getting sucked back into his vendictive ways and ultimately reaching the point of not being able to return. I also dread over thinking about the fact he could have already replaced me; It's silly thought to have considering it's only been two days, but he started talking to me the day after he broke it off with his ex (she cheated on him and he cut her off without another word). I've just read so many things about BPD's moving on so quickly without even a second thought, as if you or your relationship never even existed to them.

I don't want to regret not living my life or doing the things I so desperately wanted to do before he came along - such as travel, explore, experience, and grow. I thought I had found the perfect partner to share in my endeavors in life. He seemed to have wanted the same exact things as I did when we first met. He exhibited the same kindness for the world and love of creativity as I did. I keep checking on the messages I've sent him, reading them over and over again and seeing if maybe I could have worded something differently. I know that everything I said, no matter how they were worded, wouldn't have spared him from feeling abandoned. Though I feel rejected by him and his lack of care to even message me back, I hope this end is the beginning of a life long journey of self-acceptance.

Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughtful replies. I deeply appreciate you even taking the time to listen to me while I continue on and on about this. I'm glad to have found this website.

You've got a good head on your shoulders Masuimi, you're going to grow through this just fine.


Yes, romantic, and also a fantasy, common around here, and a key to detaching, something that can benefit us moving forward, is to see how caught up in that fantasy we got, and why, and what parts of us that touched, what unmet needs.


Good self awareness M, and here's an opportunity to address some of this stuff yes?  Being emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness and abused on top of it will stretch us, stretch our sanity, and has a way of uncovering us to our core, showing us ourselves in ways we may not have seen before.  And what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  What if we use the pain as motivation to grow through it?  We'll come out the other side healthier and happier, maybe even grateful for the experience.  It's early I realize, but something to think about?


First off, focus on this, and especially how it made you feel:


Then, think attachments with borderlines, if he does contact you he will be wondering and testing to see if an attachment is still in place, and any hint you give that one is, even if it's getting pissed off or crying, that's still an attachment, so act bored, keep it short, don't talk about yourself, talk things and not emotions.  And he may not stop, you may have to do that for a while, just be disinterested in general.

And beyond that, if you begin to focus on you instead of him and the future instead of the past, and start to detach, you'll begin to get your feet back on the ground, and it will matter less and less what he does.  That's the surefire way.


And they won't understand what it's really like to me in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder anyway.  Best to talk to us, and if you need it, professional help locally might help too.  Take care of you!

Thank you fromheeltoheal. I hope I can come out of this with a better understand of myself.

It's funny because I prayed so deeply about making this the year for my own self-discovery and healing process; little did I know that it would take a relationship ripping me apart to fully bring to light my hindrances.

He has quite a way of making me feel very sorry for him. It's like an instinct for me to nurture him when he puts on a sad face (I think of it as a mother cradling her fallen child). I believe this stems from my mother leaving me as a child, and his mother neglecting him while growing up.

And I agree fully about my friends and even my family memebers. They see him as some sort of evil dictator bent on my demise, while I see him as a man who never received the love he desperately needed. In a way, I think this idea of him is keeping me attached. I wanted to be the light in his darkened perception of the world. I realize though that just as much as he needs love and acceptance, so do I. I honestly felt like that was something we could have given to one another, but yet that was another fantasy that I must accept will never be reality.

I will focus on reminding myself of all the harm this has caused me, and how the negative of the situation outweighs the momentary amounts of intense "love" and admiration he has showen me. I will have a difficult time focusing on myself because quit frankly, it is such a hard pill to swallow when take a step back and checking out your own faults. But I defiantly want something more than just this out of my relationships.

I can still feel myself slipping in and out of detaching from him and wanting to work things out again. I'll continue to post here as it seems to keep me from straying into my habit of going back in and messaging him endlessly about how much I miss him.

I do feel a need or desire for him, but I know it is because I fear facing the unknown future. What if I never meet another man? What if I live miserably alone for the rest of my days? It also seems to be because I feel as if I'll never find a man who looked at me the way he did. I never before have attracted a man who looked like he does and who thought I was absolutely stunning (chubby and all). Though he had always told me that no woman has ever thought of him attractive, I thought he was a dream come true for me. I know looks don't matter in the end, but I can't help but realize that he was the first BF I've ever had that I was both physically and emotionally attracted to. It made it even better that he reciprocated those same feeling for me (in disbelief that someone who looked like me could be attracted to him). It's interesting because even if I think of a different man loving me, my vision of that is blurred by him. He seems to be the only one I want right now. Not even in just a physical way, even on an intimate level as well.

This will be so difficult. All I want to do is drop to my knees and cry till I feel nothing at all. I apologize for the pity party I'm displaying. I keep thinking of all the good times with him (listening to music together, watching movies cuddled up, etc.) They are starting to consume me! It's a struggle that I have no clue if I'm ready for.

Be careful what you wish for, the lord works in mysterious ways, teachers come in unique packages sometimes, all of that yes?  And going back to what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?


And while you're at it, celebrate your good traits too, like your ability to go all-in with your heart and love deeply.  Not everyone can do that, and some future guy is going to be in heaven and loving you back, but first, time to dig a little and see what you can learn, so you can choose partners who are capable of reciprocating what you can give yes?


No apologies, it's only been 2 days and that's what we're here for.  Now you still doing that at 6 months?  You’d want us to call you on it, and we will.  :)

And crying is what pain leaving feels like, so let fly until there ain't nuthin' left, and then pick yourself up and get to work, because what else is there?

Masuimi,

I also had to make the decision to leave my exBPD.  Not just her, but her kids I loved as well as I knew when we were done she would try her best to suggest they too leave me alone. 
Your story resonates with me, as I've tried to make the decision you face numerous times.  And always, my empathy for her and her children won... .until I was so drained... .I had to think of me.  That was my turning point, and it seems you are there.  I began to self protect because I was broken... .just like you feel.  That is what BPD's do with their finely tuned defenses and manipulative ways.  Mirroring, projecting etc etc.  They make us feel like there is something wrong with us... .that we're mentally ill.
Your prayer has been answered with a great opportunity to find YOU. 
Fromheeltoheal has given you some great insight on things to take notice of in the future and now.  I'll second his suggestion to cry now until nothing is left.  Then pick yourself up and get to work.  It's not easy, but in the end, you will be a much better person for this journey.   
And yes... .get that therapist!  :)

Fromheeltoheal and drained1996,

Thank you so much for all the wonderful advice you have both given me today. It has really helped me in determining what steps I should take to make progress within myself and with my healing journey. As you've said, it's still day 2, and the strong pull to contact him (and be contacted in return) is lingering deeply right now. I will cry, without hesitation, over the pain and loss of something I believed would be beautiful. Hopefully in 6 months time I'll be able to come here with a better understanding of my situation and BPD in general, so that I too may give much needed advice to others suffering through what I currently am. I'll update regularly as I am human and know I will be needing much more advice (especially on the tougher days) 

Thank you again for being here for me and helping me on my way  I appreciate it so much.

Masuimi,

Kudos to you for taking the steps you need to help protect yourself.  It's a journey, and we do not want you to feel like you have failed anything if you falter.  We all have... .me... .many many times.  
I know I'll keep up with your journey and offer any tidbits I feel may help.  The best part of this community are the many who have and are going through the same process you are experiencing.  There are many here with powerful insight and experience with helping us who are in need.  
Cry some happy tears tonight... .as this is the first step in working on and understanding YOU.  We will be here for support anytime... .never forget that.   |iiii
Time is a powerful healer of wounds, and time is on your side... .take all you need.

Even therapists with specialised training may find large demands on their abilities while treating a pwBPD. You were in an intimate relationship with this person, so it's legitimate that you find your relationship with this person more difficult to handle.  :)

It's very normal to find these separations much more difficult than a separation with someone who is not a pwBPD. Don't forget there's quite a few tools on the site to help you as you go forward.

You've gone through quite a lot with fromheeltoheal and drained1996, so I encourage you to be compassionate with yourself over this time Masuimi.   :)