BPDFamily.com

Hey, so as the tittle says, it's been a while since I last posted as, yep you guessed it, I went in for another round with my exwBPD.

I called it a day last week following a period of us seeing each other or as we like to say it, after another recycle. We hardly saw one another in fairness and it was either a weekend thing or once in the week that pretty much revolved around us having a good time and ending up in bed. We would talk as we always did and it was proposed by her that we try counselling and we talked up a good game, just one problem, that's all it was was a game. I tried talking to her in the days that followed, eager to get started and find a counsellor suitable for us both but low and behold she started cooling off on the idea saying, she needs to think more about it and that she didn't have time to go in to counselling at this moment in time as she was really busy. This obviously miffed me and I sensed she was playing me so I addressed this with her and although we rowed about it we found some middle ground and she assured me that she wanted to go through with it when the time was right for her. As I mentioned seeing each other was difficult due to both our schedules and she pointed this out more than I did. We were pencilled in for our date night but she blew me off in favour of something else which I took offence too. This led to a row which she went off on one at me as I said to her that I wasn't going to be played for a fool which is very much how I felt. She said some horrible things, saying the ring she had left at mine was brought for her by an ex and she had worn it throughout our relationship showing how little I meant to her and how she didn't love me. I thought sod this, after everything we have been through, the lies, the cheating, the gaslighting, the manipulation and this is how it ends.

Fast forward to today and we messages as I said I don't like leaving it on a bad note and saying that I don't think it's over and that I still feel we could work it out. Apparently she deserves more and I give her headaches oh and of course she no longer loves me nor wants me. I've told her I don't think that's true and that I wanted to see her so we could talk but now she's completely blocked me, my number, my Facebook, the lot. First time she's done that to me.

Feeling lost and confused even though we've been here so many times before. Why do I keep opening my emotional door to her and why do I keep on fighting an obvious losing battle with her? I know the sensible thing is to run for my life and I've had many opportunities to do so yet here I stand telling her that I love her and want us to try again and to get help. In the past I have never truely felt like she's painted me black but now she's blocked me and refused to meet me I think this is the first time I've seen it and felt her paint me black. Whilst doing that she has made me feel like it's all my fault that this has happened. She's playing the victim whilst I have to deal with the oncoming smear campaign she'll be waging on me with her friends whom have no idea whatsoever as to what has really happened.

Man this sucks!

This girl has lied to me, cheated on me, pushed and pulled me all over the shop, paraded me in front of the guy she cheated with purposely without my knowledge at the time, said the most cruel things to me, used me etc yet she has spun it on its head claiming, I don't love you, I don't want you, I deserve much better and you are nothing but a headache to me.

I would like to state for the record that I have never once done any of the above to her. Yet here I am still in love with her and wanting her to come back.

Who is the one with the mental illness? Her or me? Someone treats you the way she has treated me yet I still love them? Pure insanity on my part isn't it?

It's not insanity but it is dysfunctional behaviour.

Look I'm going to give it to you straight, because others will give you sympathy but that isn't what is going to help you.

You have to take the focus off her and ask yourself why you allowed yourself to go through this.

It's the answer we all must find