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I feel so incredibly angry I could cry in sheer rage. I feel betrayed and used. I feel like I never really existed for him, except as a fantasy, a source of ego gratification and pleasure, a way to soothe his pain. When I met him, he told me he had been separated from his wife for years and they were going to get divorced. Still not divorced and he moved back after losing his job.

I think that when he was in the moment, he did feel incredible emotion for me and wanted to be with me, but he and his wife were not as separated as he claimed and there were plenty of times when he likely did not want me. I took this relationship so incredibly seriously -- and he knew that. Yet he was not straight with me and did not let me go. I hung on tight -- perpetuated the fantasy -- that's my part in all of this.

I once asked him if he felt like he had a core self. He told me that he thinks he did and it's rotten. He probably knows himself well.

Now I'm just so mad that I want to lash out and made trouble.


  

Cheaters. Liars.
No mercy. No remorse.

Monsters.

Anger gives you energy to move on.

It's given me the energy to cut through the denial.

this is grieving for a relationship  after denial is anger. 

its like grieving for a person, time for a voodoo doll!

Seriously, I have fantasies of anonymously contacting his wife and telling her that he has been telling women they are separated and divorcing. However, he is mentally ill. If she gives him stability and comfort than I shouldn't destroy that. Also, she is incredibly dysfunctional herself. Who knows what would happen.

would you want to know?

why should you save him from the consequences of his actions?

what would the benefit be for you?

 

Yes, I totally get this, this is normal, this is your psyche fighting back. Anger gives you energy and creates distance in your mind from the person who has wronged you. Above all it is protecting you from going near the source of the anger again.

I don't feel the anger like I used to, it used to come in waves and would then pass. I'm sure it will for you too.

Narkiss,

I feel exactly the same in regards to feeling like I never existed for my BPD ex. I've never been an angry person and even any anger coming from this has been pretty calm as in I haven't been breaking things/lashing out physically etc. More than anything, I'm really just angry at myself about this. I can deal with someone screwing me over, those are their own issues and I will never be able to understand or fix them. I'm angry at myself for having allowed my life to become intwined with this clearly unstable and sociopathic individual & giving her access to all of my hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities that she used to systematically destroy me. I'm mad at myself for becoming such an emotional person when I have always been anything but and I'm mad at myself for where my life is right now as a result of letting this person become such a large part of it.

My only hope is that this anger eventually transforms into motivation to heal and also awareness to prevent myself from ever becoming involved with a person like this again.

Married21years: Yes, I would want to know if my husband was cheating. The only reason to save him from the consequences is that he is completely unstable and miserable right now and I don't want to him to kill himself or cut (the later is more likely). And the benefit for me is a) revenge and b) maybe that would finally send him into therapy if he realizes that he can't control everything and anyone.

I'm not angry anymore -- at least not now. Just mainly trying to figure out why I let such destruction into my life and kept it there.

I talked to him last week. I called. Everything is imploding. He is unemployed. He spends half the day taking care of his elderly father whom he hates. His wife is so suspicious that she grabs his phone when it rings. I think he thought it would be comforting to go back home, but it is not. He has no idea how to get out of the hole he dug himself into -- and I'm not even sure he realizes that he is the one who did this to himself.

I feel compassion and friendship, (I still love him) but there is no desire to rescue him. I maybe can plug holes, but I can't change him or give himself something he doesn't have and I don't want this chaos entering my life. 

Hi Narkiss,

It's good you can articulate your feelings. It's helpful if we can put a name on them, ie. anger, and also realise that they come and go.

You have been hurt and and understandably feel angry about that. Anger can be a good way to wake up to facts that we have sometimes been ignoring or explaining away to ourselves. Anger is a way to become focused on something that feels like an injustice to us.

I got so angry at my ex pwBPD, then at myself, then at him, then at myself - and so it went for a while. I had reason to be angry, just as you do, but I knew that beyond the anger lay something that had more long-term usefulness to me. Just had to cycle through it all lots of times, before I was able to move through it. And even now, if I made myself remember certain things he did, I could get angry and maybe even feel vengeful.

Anger at the other often becomes and is intertwined with anger at ourselves for putting up with the other. This too, is good to let yourself feel and explore a bit.


This is a very good question to be asking, Narkiss, and the one that will ultimately lead to healing. It is probably not one you will be able to answer all at once as we stay in unhealthy relationships for so many different reasons. It can take a while to get to the bottom of our own issues, because there is such a tangle of relationship issues that has obscured and confused the individual contributions of both partners.

Not to overwhelm, but I am wondering if you have you looked through the articles here?:  Suggested Reading for Members Leaving and Detaching from the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56204.0  

Do you have ideas about why you let him into your life and let him stay there? What are some of them?

This is good:

That's a really good recognition and distinction to make. We can love someone but have no desire (or ability) to rescue them from anything.

Most of us here do need to work on our desire to rescue ourselves.  Proceeding with the same compassion you'd give him, or anyone else you loved, what would be the first step you might take, Narkiss?