BPDFamily.com

Hi All

I have been divorced 7 months now and so have some perspective on what was transpiring in my 11 year marriage.  I still have a few lingering items on my mind that are not going away; one of these is my ex therapist who I believe acted unethically and ultimately hurt my marriage, me and my now ex. 

My exuBPDw had been seeing this T for 7 years when we first met.  In the beginning, I remember feeling suspicious and confused about this because my ex (R) had some behaviors that seemed to far out of sync to have been in therapy for that long.  I dismissed the behaviors as part nervousness and disposition. 

R kept seeing this T and around 5 years into marriage, we had a marital crisis and I ended up in therapy with her and the T.  Eventually we both undertook individual and marital therapy with the therapist (DM).  DM and I did EMDR to help me get over a problem I was having.  While the EMDR was extremely helpful, I kept having a recurring sense that there was something not right. 

This "not right" feeling went beyond DM overextending and playing 3 roles with us; marital, individual me and her.  My feeling was that she was always taking the side of my Ex.  Now that more time that has gone by and I have clearer thoughts;  I have come to the conclusion that DM was in some weird way coveting my ex.  I suspect that DM is vicariously living through her and in this process manipulated our marriage in a way that was intended to benefit outcomes, opinions and viewpoints of my ex.

I could list specifics but rather than a long(er) story, the one tell tale story that cinched my opinion was when I kept asking DM what is wrong with R during our marriage sessions and DM kept saying I was projecting my Mother onto her (and ex worked that as hard as she could).  After my divorce was finalized, I continued to see DM and ask the same question, suddenly during one session she had a complete answer for me; R was all about self-protection at any and all costs.

WOW  I sat in this office for 7+ years hashing out grueling details and trying my best to resolve and DM just sat there and said I was projecting onto ex.  While this has a degree of truth to it, it is also patently misleading and DM, more than anyone else, would know that to be a fact.

I can't seem to let go of all this and have been weighing reporting this doctorate of a trauma therapist. My present T told me to not get into it as it will serve me no good.  I guess I feel victimized and emotionally raped by DM. 

I stopped seeing DM in April this year.  She continues to see my ex.  During one of my final individual sessions with DM, she went as far as to tell me the details of what her and my ex were working on; this is almost a year after we had stopped marital therapy and I was already divorced.  Explicitly, she told me that ex was working on the issues that she wouldn't work on during marriage and that DM told me (during marital therapy) were marriage killers.  Of course I got all excited when I heard this and asked DM if that meant my ex would start to see me differently and want to come back.  DM's response; I wouldn't recommend calling her.

Aside from pissing off my ex and keeping me painted black; can anyone provide some insights into how I can sort out the logical parts of this decision?  I feel that DM should be punished.  Yet it is hard for me to sort out if this is revenge or personal accountability.

JRB

Hi Joe,

I don't agree with your DM talking to someone about a patient for confidentially reasons. I do agree with your current T with not getting involved. Personality disorders are niche in psych circles and I think that counselors or marriage counselors are not equipped to deal with it, we weren't equiped to deal with it on our relationships, I had never come across something like the intense behaviors before my ex, although now I think i dated another pwBPD before her but less severe, now I understand traits.


My point is BPD is a persecution complex and a pwBPD want rescue and she cast you in the role of persecutor and MD in the role of rescuer. You have to ask yourself what's the reason why you'd want to report MD? Do you feel angry toward MD? Do you think that if marriage counseling had worked for you it could of saved your marriage?

I had similar feelings. I was angry that I had lost my marriage and projecting that anger towards something else.

Hi JRB,

Wow, I'd be upset about DM's behavior, too. That sounds unprofessional to me. I believe in holding professionals accountable for their behavior, so I really understand your wanting to do something about this. However, I also think doing nothing might be a good idea right now. It seems you are just gaining some important insights about the situation and how it affected you.

Times of uncertainty and high emotions often lead to decisions that in hindsight don't achieve what we want or need. And feelings morph and change sometimes as new/more (inner) information is revealed.

What do you think about giving yourself some more time?  You can always take action later if you feel it's the right thing to do.

heartandwhole

Hey Joe,

You might remember how much I hated this T's role in your relationship   but I agree with Heartandwhole that you should at least give it some time. Work through your pain about the breakup, get yourself to a good place, and then see if you still feel the need to report her.

I had several times when I wanted to report my ex's therapists, and in fact a social worker friend told me she'd be ethically obligated to if the Ts had been social workers. I'm glad I didn't though, because it wasn't for the right reasons. I would have reported for inappropriate response to suicidality (letting ex leave office when she had active plan, not referring for more intensive treatment when ex admittedly wasn't getting enough support due to cost and office hours, etc). But I don't think it would have turned out any different if the Ts had acted appropriately. The night of the breakup I called 911 for ex's suicide threats with the support of T #2 ... .she denied having a plan and the ER had to let her go.

Really I wished that ex's therapists would see how she was victimizing me, name the problem (BPD), and put a stop to it. That wasn't going to happen. Not even a highly skilled DBT practitioner (which these definitely were not) could do that when ex wasn't willing to look at herself.

Mutt's observation is also important. Not many Ts are prepared to deal with personality disorders, or they have unsophisticated conceptions of pwBPD that cause them to miss all but the lowest-functioning cases. This T probably got sucked in with your ex the same way we did. The sob stories that beg us to save them, being idealized and positioned as their rescuer, etc.

Her failure to recognize these dynamics absolutely makes her unqualified to treat pwBPD. But as far as I know she's not advertising herself as specializing in BPD, and she might be a fine therapist for nons with trauma history. Unfortunately pwBPD are also highly likely to end up in therapy for trauma histories (varying degrees of real or imagined), and she'll probably be duped by some of them too. I worry for the partners and families of the pwBPD who might end up with my ex's past therapists. I'm just not sure there's much you can do, or whether it'd be the right thing for your healing process.

I'm also worried that you're looking for validation that the T mishandled the overall situation, and I'm not sure you'd get that. Breaching confidentiality by telling you about your ex's therapy sessions seems to be the only clear-cut ethical violation. The rest is really screwed up but could be explained away as professional judgment calls where there wasn't one clear right answer. So even if some disciplinary action was taken for the confidentiality part, you'd still be left with the rest of the experience that was really painful for you.

Hang in there and keep thinking about all this 

Thanks Mutt, Heart and Whole and ThisAgain for your replies.

I am going to wait for awhile and continue to think this through.  All the same, I have already given this topic a tremendous amount of thought and no matter how I go about trying to put it to rest, it repeatedly keeps coming back just as strong or even stronger.

In summary, I believe that DM knew all about my ex's problems; DM herself admitted as much to me after we were divorced - but refused to share this knowledge during our marital therapy.  Why?  I asked DM "why" multiple times and all I got was that ex may leave individual counseling, to which I replied; after 20+ years of counseling with you, what does it matter if she is in or out if you are not going to talk with her about the problems you see?  (blank stares and psycho-speak)

I believe that DM was acting, in part, from a personally involved viewpoint that strongly biased her therapy towards my ex and even integrated DMs opinions about what was good for ex into ex's lexicon.  In essence DM was acting as an advocate for my ex's wishes - some of which were not healthy for me or our marriage - based on her own personal biases and opinions.  (important to mention that DM is a feminist spinster)

One of DM's famous sayings she repeatedly used in our couples counseling was that we had "relentless hope", referring to our ability to ever fix things in our marriage.  She would even say, when are you going to give the hope up!  What the heck!  What marital T says that!

I know that my theories may sound pretty far fetched, but I have gone over it so many times in my mind that I am sure it is accurate - and my gut keeps telling me it is correct too.  The most benefit of doubt I can give to DM is that she did this subconsciously.  I actually specifically asked her about her biases multiple times during our marital sessions and she denied it.

For discussion sake, let's say I am right.  Would you still say to not say anything?  Specifically, what is the reason for not acting on this, it seems to me this is pretty egregious behavior?  I curiously ask the question as I feel like I am missing some information of understanding as to why not say something.  The only real reason I can think of is that my ex would paint me even blacker and I might have to continue to think through what happened and relive a piece of all this again (which is why present T does not want me to do it)

To DMs credit; she pushed hard on my ex to undergo EMDR, which the ex vigorously declined and avoided.  Also, DM did a tremendously good job healing me with my own childhood issues.  Truthfully, If it wasn't for this 1-point, I would have already reported her.

Yes Mutt, I do blame DM for inserting herself into my marriage and deliberately instilling her own negative ideas on to my ex which reinforced ex's already negative thinking patterns and really hurt our marriage.  I just can't see letting DM continue to give my ex therapy without being reprimanded; it feels like the right thing to do, even if I am doing it for personal reasons. 

Even so, with all these facts, I know that my ex would still have the same problems and the result may well have been the same or happened even sooner without DM.

In summary, I am trying to clear out the past, this is one part that will not go away and I just want to do what is needed to finally put it to rest.   

Thanks again, I want to be sure that my thoughts are properly aligned with facts and knowledge as this is not a topic I can see objectively.   

JRB

The thing with professional ethics is that there is a lot of wiggle room. The rules are general and vague, and most real-life situations require a judgment call. In many cases there are a LOT of mistakes and poor judgment, but no clear ethical violations. That is what this situation sounds like (other than the confidentiality).

This T seems to have an enormously unhealthy level of countertransference with your ex. She should have recognized that and declined to do couples counseling or treat you individually. On the other hand, you also knew she'd been treating your ex for a long time, thought it was fishy that ex hadn't made progress, and chose to enter into the couples and individual treatment with this T anyways. She could also have a lot of reasons why she genuinely thought it was the right thing to do. I don't mean to detract from your pain because I really do think this was an awful situation, it just doesn't sound like a clear ethical violation to me.

Going forward it sounds like she should terminate therapy with your ex, because of the countertransference and presumably lack of competence dealing with BPD traits. That just isn't your problem anymore.

If I remember right you stopped seeing this T just a few months ago. You're just starting to try to date and feeling awkward about that, you've been seeing a new T, you have a lot going on in your detaching process. I have a strong feeling that this will resolve itself with time.