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I've thought that I had been in therapy for the last two years to feel happier and better: less anxious, more sure of myself, less devastated by my mum's attacks.

I realised this morning that I *actually* went in to try and BE better: less crazy, less weak, less of a *problem* to my mother and partner. Instead of trying to find myself, I've been trying to hide myself, change myself so there was less of me to deal with, and less of me to get hurt. I've seen myself entirely in the light of other people's dynamics.

I realised I would rather be more happy in myself than be less of a problem to other people.

So, in the light of "healing", what realisations have come to you unexpectedly, whether in therapy, through these workshops, or off your own intuition?

Hi Anyplacesafe,

I like your observation, I think that will ring true with many on this website. Of course the next step is to figure out how you can become more happy in yourself. Any ideas ?

My realisation was knowing that it wasn’t all my fault (I was the scapegoat). That helped me become more happy in myself. I focused on building my self esteem to help being happy with myself. Thanks for sharing Anyplacesafe.  :) |iiii

In therapy a couple of weeks ago, I was expressing how my first encounter with therapy went.  I was resentful.  I was put into therapy at 5 by "mom" "to fix" me.  I recall being pissed knowing there was not a thing wrong with ME!  Just put me with a loving family and I CAN be a normal kid!

Fast forward to weeks later... .
Feeling frustrated at the work of the process of therapy.
Looking at T directly... .
Pleading with eyes...
Please just FIX me!

Sometimes I feel so broken, just want T to pour crazy glue onto me, remold me to something that appears less fragmented.

The irony huh? "Crazy Glue!"  So unintentional!

Very good  :) |iiii


Thanks for your post anyplacesafe. How wonderful that you are learning to love yourself.

Its such a fun journey to discover these things. About 4 weeks ago, I had quite a powerful moment, when I realised that I exist within a permeable bubble. Its my space and the surface of the bubble are my boundaries. I exist here and I let safe people in. I keep unsafe people out, though boundary defense. I allow my thoughts to enter, I feel them, sit with them and allow them to move out. Similar with my thoughts. If feel contained, safe for the first time ever |iiii

I also realised how powerfully toxic, shame can be. I am dealing with the shame I feel from my childhood and my relationship. This has been the most transformative thing I have done.

I don't have a BPD parent but had a very critical mother.   The pervasive message I received was "you are not good enough" and I internalized that (and later reinforced at the end of very serious relationship I had as a young woman). I believed that I wasn't good enough so I learned to always focus on other people.  I would support and nurture others and found my value in that.  I forgot about myself because of my focus on others. How had I been treated? In many ways I hadn't even considered the question. I realized by being on this site that I had this pattern of behavior in all of my romantic relationships. 

My behavior is changing, it's been gradual, and more conscious but I now can ask for what I need or ask for help and that there are some really great people in my life that will support me because they care about me.  They see me as good enough... .which reminds me and supports my belief that I am good enough.  I no longer tolerate non-supportive people in my life, I'm worth better.

I have contact with my mom these days but I now recognize her negative comments are more about her than they are about me.  I no longer have expectations in our relationship I accept it as is.  She will never be the mom I want her to be and I will never be the daughter she wants me to be but we can have a relationship.

I also have a SO that I deserve.  He is a true partner that loves me as I am.  We can all learn, grow, improve our relationships and most importantly become our best selves. 

Keep up the good work everyone!  It's a journey... .

Pandaa39