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udBPDw  and I were having a conversation about simple daily stuff. It was polite and nothing provoking or upsetting at all. I don't recall how I go to this or what exactly I said but my "paraphrase" So why am I even here? What is my purpose?
She was quickly eager to respond. "Because you do stuff for me. You are my servant." I asked if she thought that was fair for me. " Oh yes. How else am I supposed to know you love me which you don't because you never want to have sex with me and I have told you that's what I need from you."

I wasn't shocked or angry just felt a little worthless but it confirmed how I thought she felt about me. There hasn't been much of any raging in a good long while, which is good I suppose. However in my twisted thought process if she is not raging towards me I can't ever get the muster to end the relationship. With the ebbs and flows of a relationship I feel I can only end it or have that conversation when its volatile. When it's not going bad (I still want to end the relationship) I don't feel right in saying anything about how I am feeling. Does this make sense to anyone else? Any advise here? I am a typical Caretaker as I avoid conflict and have a he fear of initiating it intentionally or unintentionally.

This is my read on you're situation - maybe it's wrong though, I end up wrong all the time!

You aren't willing to be the bad guy.  It hurts you that she makes you out to be the bad guy.  She's projecting blame for herself onto you, and guilting you into accepting the blame.  You're caught up in the FOG of it all, knowing logically it's not true, but FOG'd into feeling otherwise.  You are trying to get her to recognize she's the bad guy and not be mad at you for leaving.  You're hoping she'll change and recognize how she treat's you is wrong, so she won't continue to make you the bad guy. In short, you want her to feel accountability for her behavior and how she treats you.

Am I close?

My marriage was a constant cycle of idealization and devaluation.  I ended things when I decided I wanted to break the cycle.  I told my ex that we were done when she cycled back to her idealization of me, in order to avoid the message being clouded by any negative energy during the devaluation phase.

If you really want to end things, you will... .even when things are going well, relatively speaking.  Because you know the bad times are just a cycle away.

Good luck.

ETA: And on this comment... .


As long as you continue to be in this relationship, it definitely is time to nip this one in the bud.  You are being openly mocked.  There is no need to blow this up in a huge argument.  Just let your actions speak.  When you do need to use words, "no" is very effective when being bossed around.  And if you haven't figured it out yet, she's going to find ways to get upset with you no matter what you do.  At least you can have some self-respect if she's going to blow her top no matter what.

Waddams,
You are not close. You are spot on. And everything I read about this mental illness and this forum tells me that she isn't capable of seeing things this way. If she were then she wouldn't have BPD. I get all that. I understand that I am the one that can rationalize the changes and see the right and wrong here. But I am very frustrated in myself for 2 things. #1 Letting it get this far out of hand. & #2 Not having the balls to stand up and address it and do something about it. No one can help me but me.

Not so! The right therapist can help you a lot. I get the impression that men in particular can benefit from this very type of help. A friend of mine was able to overcome the FOG and separate from his dependent-personality disordered wife of 35 years only after two full years of twice-a-week individual counseling. You're still young and you probably won't need as much reprogramming as people my age do.

You really can do it. 

All I can say is I've been there myself.  I took some major self-focused work to change that part of myself.  In the end, it was the best thing I ever did for myself.  Obviously we can't do it for you, but if it helps for me it involved:

1.  Learning to let go of outcome.
2.  Learning to keep my emotions and feelings aligned properly with what I knew rationally and logically.

1. required simply accepting I wasn't in control of anything but me.  Erect and hold boundaries consistent with my values and be willing to let others have their problems, not rescue them, and let them crash and burn.  

2. required an honest assessment of anger.  I was raised or otherwise socially conditioned to think that all anger of any kind or expression is bad, and you're bad if you feel angry. However, at this point in life, I strongly believe all things are good if we use them as God intended, including anger.  It's not a bad emotion.  God gave it to us for a reason, and I personally believe that reason is to fuel the boundaries needed to fight against FOG'ing.  Healthy anger is what gives me the energy to hold a boundary against FOG, manipulations, outright lies and personal attackes, etc. and it also gives me the energy to let someone label me the a$$h*le in their own minds and not care that they've done it.  

I don't scream, yell, and otherwise act out in anger violently towards anyone.  But I will tell them to pucker off when I need to hold a boundary, and send them away.  Sometimes, people come back later and own up, and we can work things out.  Sometimes, they're gone forever.  I've learned to accept either way.  It improves relationships with people who are worth it, it excises people from your life that are detrimental to you, and when they are gone, then room is opened up in your life for better people to fill the voids.

That approach might not be for everyone, just sharing what worked for me.