BPDFamily.com

Day 61 NC

Didn't plan on going NC, thought we'd stay friends. But she didn't contact me when she should have (certain events) and as she ended it I feel that she should have reached out to keep some contact. So many times we promised each other that we'd stay friends (few cycles).

In a week she'll visit my city with her mom. If she doesn't contact me, just to say hi, I'm moving to blocking I think. Can't stand waiting and thinking and hoping. Don't want to get back together but I can't stand how not generous and kind this woman is, I feel that blocking would take the power away from her, she couldn't contact me even if she wanted.

I'll have to remove her from a Facebook group that I admin, and unsubscribe her from a mailing list she's listed to which I manage too. So at some point she'll figure it out. Then filter email, remove and block skype and block on whatsapp and that's that for good. 18 months story with few recycles.

What do you think, should I block?

Why? I would just be completely indifferent and let it slide.

markh,

couples often promise to remain friends when they break up. sometimes it happens. usually it doesnt. when it does, its usually after a period of space, detachment, cooling off. it sounds like the two of you are on a different page when it comes to this.

i wouldnt force this issue unless you would genuinely prefer her to be out of your life. you want her attention on some level, i get that, ive been there. one way to get there is to focus on detaching. let her do her thing, you do yours, dont force friendship but let it happen if its meant to.

what do you think?

I wanted friendship when I still thought she's a generous person . Not contacting me, after all I've done for her, is just nasty. I've painted her black, ready to move on, and hate thinking "why is she not writing", I feel blocking would put an end to this in a final way, and on my terms, thru my action.

It's been nearly 4 months since my friend last spoke to me; I reached out at least 3-4 times; last time being 6 weeks ago with my messages being left as unread on fb messenger.  I blocked, then unblocked then blocked him again as the pain of him still not contacting or even acknowledging me became too much.  I've since unblocked him again lol.  I'm not sure if blocking is the answer as you'll always wonder if they tried to reach out.  At least keeping them unblocked then you're in no doubt that the stubborn sods are still keeping you in ST.

Yes, the idea is to flip the script , and give the ST to them .

Indeed; but if you don't block them and they reach out and they are met with silence I think that sends a louder message as in you've read whatever they have to say but your choosing to ignore it. 

You have to do what's best for you to feel in control of the situation.  Easier said than done I know as I've flip flopped constantly over the past 4 months.

it hurts that she hasnt contacted you. i understand. ive lost some friends and loved ones the hard way too.

you have a couple of paths in front of you. one is wait and see, which is causing you pain. another is moving on with no expectations. with both of these paths, you can work through the hurt you feel.

are you sure the path you want to go down is "painting her black", flipping the script, and giving silent treatment? is this moving on, or punishment for the hurt you feel?

Hey markh, it sounds like you want to go ahead and block but are a little torn between that route (complete removal) and a more amicable and open one. It's stressful. I get that. There's no way around that pressure in either scenario. Either way you'll end up having to manage your feelings, which will be difficult ones to do so. It's hard to feel like we have two bad options in a situation. I've been there before and there is really no way out except picking one and trying to make the best of it.

Remember, this is entirely up to you. And it isn't ludicrous to say that in the future you'll be able to change your mind. Relationships like these are very complex and leave a deep impact on both parties. I'm sure that you're ex is still struggling too in her own way.

There's no way to guess what the future holds. Trust yourself when you can and try to be confident with either decision. These skills will bring you more peace in the end.

I feel it's best to block so I won't fall again into it. She has too much power over me. What I came to realize in the last few months is that it's mostly sexual. As a person she's plain awful. She enjoys to manipulate men by her own admission, she's aggressive and unkind. Why would I want to keep the door open to that?

Both I guess. I really do want to move on. I also do want her to know how I feel about her, that she's just an awful human being. I feel like blocking would do both. I'd rather tell her this as a respone to contact, I just don't know if I can wait the months or years it would take.

NC is not a punishment but a boundary for our protection.

this allows us a safe place to heal and examine ourselves in peace.

they will just move on to a new source.

they have the ability to rewrite reality. 

ask what do you need to make yourself happy.  |iiii

Maybe you're right , it's much more powerful if I wait until she contacts me and then I lay it on her in one big blow.

what is your goal?

Restore balance to the force.

ahh but the mental is strong with that one

So you really want to hear from her. There's no agreement. She hasn't contacted you in 61 days as you think she should. You want to block her to get a reaction.

Does this sound like a mature response to hurt feelings? We all feel these things when we are hurt, and then we return to baseline. Cool down.

Revenge is not friendship. Friendly exs do forget to call. They are not really friends - the are, by definition, leaving the door open for some small level of communication.


We're men. We don't want to do this stuff. O saw a few reference to the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book. Glover would never suggest such a reaction. Blocking her doesn't restore balance - it makes us look weak and pouty and petty.

In the BPD literature it talks about attention seeking for validation. Typically starts with good attention behaviors, but if that doesn't work, a pwBPD will shift to bad attention seeking behaviors. Do what it takes to get a reaction.

Bowen says we mate with our emotional equals (more or less).

Is this where we want to be? Do we want to rise above in our life going forward.

[in addition to opening a troll account after two suspensions for antagonizing and insulting members  ]

So this is a troll account huh. Geez.

Im with mcea on this. Block her! Mine contacted me today after 5 months by email. It reopened old wounds and i refuse to reply. Im also of the beleif that other than sexual she us an awful person and has no place in my life anymore and i will forever remain in nc with her in any way, shape or form.

Many people on these boards have blocked their BPD ex's as contact has been toxic for them and they do what it takes to survive. Whilst blocking would serve a collateral punitive purpose in your eyes it seems to me that waiting to hear from her is eating away at you somewhat. If the only way you can deal with that uncertainty is to totally remove any prospect of her contacting you then go ahead and do it. Your mental health and feelings must be your prime consideration going forward - not hers.


Fanny

Fanny, 

I agree with your point, but also would like to add. I think blocking... .fundementally is flawed.

First, it was never meant to exist. I'm 37. When I was a kid, maybe 11, 12? The "big thing" was landline phone companies came out with Caller ID.

All of the sudden, I believe a shift happened. Culturally, on a very deep level. Suddenly, every person, due to this new technology, where our name, and number would appear when we called, was injected into our consciousness.

And if the person we were calling didnt answer; all of the sudden, the thought raced through our heads, for the very first time: We just got ignored.

Phones used to ring. Period.

Blocking does not work, for so many reasons. Smart phones, have apps. Like WePhone for the iphone. Its like $1.99. And every time you call out, it just allocates you to a random number in it's bank. Its for calling out only. My point:  If someone wants to call you, or email you, they will. Blocking is impossible.

So I think for me, strength and honestly, being able to better recover, to a healthier self, may come from not blocking. By taking the passive route. If they call. Say you can't speak to them. Be direct. Let them know. Say good bye. Hang up.

If they email. Don't respond.

Blocking, is like a speed bump. It makes US do work, and it makes US  think too much about it.

Honestly, if you think blocking your ex will make you "feel better because you will never know "if" they called", you won't see it... .you're not being honest with yourself. Because truthfully, we all know if someone wants to call us, they will. From a $10 phone bought at 7-11. They will get through. If they want to.

By taking the passive route, by not blocking, but by simply standing our ground. That to me is I think where strength really comes from. And the path we should consider, to truly heal. To face it.

Hi Going Back

Appreciate your point as to how hard it is to really block someone - short of upping sticks and changing your name etc. I guess in this instance there are ways though that NCEA can reduce his own potential for triggering i.e. facebook and the various groups he is admin for by removing and blocking her. Pretty sure that BPD family has done the same thing with ex-members in the past!  lol

Cheers

Fanny

 C<||| FannyB 

Agreed 100%. I think that in order to really heal, we have to face it, and not put up walls. We do need to protect ourselves. But we also need to recognize that blocking a number will not really stop a person who wants to call you from making your phone ring.

I think the healing, needs to come from setting boundaries, and having willpower. Yes, block social media, so they don't show up and trigger. Remove reminders. Of course. But like you said, there are limits. And unless you are willing to move, change your name, vanish. Willpower and inner strength must be a part of the process. And not blocking a number is a good step.

It's a good step and way to say to your self - this is my phone. If they call, I just wont answer. Or I will tell them to stop. Blocking is just a minor diversion tactic, and will only result in them still getting through, and you or the person who is blocking them out, feeling a bit defeated and helpless.

I think you should block her, and move on. I expired the same with my x. She's a master in manipulating, and push/pull. In the end I just had to block her to get her out of my life and recover.

Even after I blocked her she now starts to show up at my workplace. We used to work together.

Are we forgetting what the OP asked?

He wants to hear from his ex, they have an agreement to "stay in touch". He is upset that she hasn't contacted him, so he want to block her as punishment and in hopes this will make her wise up and be more interested in contacting him.

It seems to me:

1. We don't need to block someone that is not contacting us,

2. We motivate people who are not contacting us by blocking them.

Every situation is different - there are universal rules. Most members don't need and don't block their exs by phone.  It  gets a lot of air-time, but blocking is only necessary if we are being stalked and it's a hassle.

Some have suggested in blocking a the ex so that we won't be waiting for them to call. This is not about them but about us and for some this "mind game" works. My games are ok. But at the same time, changing your phone number usually needs to be explained to a lot of people.

All in all, our survey show that few members block phone numbers.

Social media is different. It makes sense to not be in an ex's social circle.