BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone

Just wondering about what I've heard so much lately from so many friends, family and councel from pastors, sponsors, therapist and doctors.

All of whom know my story of my relationship with my BPDgf from beginning to end. The same theme appears over and over, "stay away from her, she is attempting to destroy you and your life"

Wondering if my exgf isn't NPD or worse, pwBPD have some good qualities but I really struggle to find anything good in my exgf. She was cruel, vicious and sarcastic from the very beginning. Took me and everything for granted then complained obout everything I said and did.

This speaks well of my disfunctional mindset in that I was willing to put up with so much nonsense and abuse and still try harder to please her.

Anyway wondering what you all think, maybe my exgf is NPD or worse?

She won't see our son and is making excuses again about being sick, infection, cancer, lupus, on and on. I believe she is retaliating for my not responding to her pleas for my attention.

Hope you all are doing better, thanks and have a great day. Back to work, shhhhh

On this board I see a bunch of beautiful people... .all damaged or destroyed.
Does it tell anything to you?

Good awareness Jerry.


Borderlines can use narcissistic traits as reactions to the feelings they get about themselves; I'm shameful, that doesn't feel good, I'm going to be the most awesome person in the universe to compensate, for example.  But the two disorders are distinctly different; the formal definitions of them and trait lists are on this site if you want to read them.

But in the end the diagnosis doesn't really matter, what matters is the behaviors and how they affected/affect you.

Also, be careful who you talk to about her behavior.  Someone who doesn't understand cluster B disorders will say things like "she's attempting to destroy you" where that may or may not be her motivation.  Mental health professionals, accredited books, and even us here are better sources of information if you're really trying to dig and understand her.

I think it's really a mix of seeking to destroy and also just having the emotional maturity of a small child.

During the love-bombing / idealization phase, I do believe that she did mean at least some of the things that she said even if these things were only designed to play in to some fantasy that she had in her head that was independent of the actual person receiving the praise/adoration. Somewhere along the path of the relationship, she had a complete change of heart about who I was as a person and then came the "seeking to destroy" part in which she exploited all of my insecurities/vulnerabilities to discard me in the coldest and most hurtful way possible which was totally unnecessary and not something that would take place in a normal relationship. Her emotional immaturity prevented her from being able to talk to me openly and lay things out on the table & want to work on the perceived issues that she had that I didn't even know existed. Her evil and vindictive sociopathic traits led her to lie to my face, discard me like I was trash and steal tons of money from me in the process. I don't know if this helps but I think it's important to realize that it was probably a mix of things because I believe that not even the sickest of people would enter into relationships and stay in them for years with only the goal of destroying the other person in the end.

I'm only talking from my experience. In my case I'm pretty confident that once she entered in to the devaluing stage then that's all she wanted to happen and when I look at the lies, the cheating, the rages and all the pushing and pulling she only had one thing in mind. After previous break ups I've slowly moved on and got on with things and that's been the points when she's come back. I can only think that this was because she was still not in a good place so how dare I be ok with being without her. So she came back, hooked me back in and undid everything sending me in to another tailspin.

They know what they are doing and they know they can get away with it and look all sweetness and light when they discard you.

There's no cure for being a c£&t and that's exactly what she is when she plays her life the BPD way

impulsivity is a hallmark of the disorder. impulsivity is acting toward instant gratification and/or the inability to delay it.

it is very different than seeking to destroy, but it certainly can have destructive results.

interestingly, many of us seem to be drawn to it.

Hi JerryRG,

It really sucks to have to go through this with your ex., and I'm sorry you have to deal with it. You have so much going on in your life; you certainly don't need the headache of constant pleas for attention and parental irresponsibility.  

I agree with  C<||| FHTH that others who don't know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone with BPD may be quick to assume a lot of malevolent intent.

I think as we progress with our healing, it's important to remember that some of us are dealing with partners who are mentally disordered/ill, some with partners who have been severely traumatized, some who are emotionally underdeveloped, and some who are all of the above. If a 3 year old went into a full-on writhing tantrum because we said no to some request, or asked him/her to pick up their toys, would we assume the retaliation was a tactic to destroy us? I don't think so.

Hurt people do hurtful things. It's not okay. It's not fair. They are responsible. We don't have to forgive, forget, or tolerate it. They cope in very destructive ways sometimes. Yes, it can feel vengeful, and maybe in the moment it is. But we can say the same about that 3 year old's tantrum.

An intelligent adult with a personality disorder and/ or traits can do a lot more damage than a child. Of course. My point is that generally I don't believe that our partners set out to destroy us. I think most are trying desperately to avoid (maybe even annihilate) the shame and pain that they live with daily. If that means projecting all manner of badness onto us, so be it. This is about pwBPD/NPD's survival. It's terribly sad for everyone involved.

That said, JerryRG, what do you think your ex's motivations are? You are the one living in your unique situation.

heartandwhole

They want to destroy their attachment. Cause it has been intoxicated with their own childhood traumas. And unfortunately, you are standing in the way.

Wasn't so much your fault. You just catch the wrath that their parents should have received.

Like others here I'm working on understanding why I accepted to be recycled when I knew full well that this person was toxic and making my life worse each recycle after the initial devaluation.

@DazedD40

I went through periods where I was moving along with my life after a break up she would hook me in ... .again.  This even after she had admitted her self that some of her exes had gone through major depression after their relationship with her. It's all a game to her.  There has to be a winner and a loser. I accepted to play the game thinking that I knew enough about her disorder to be able to enjoy the positives and manage the negatives. I have myself to blame.  I didn't respect myself,  I shouldn't expect her to respect me.  Had I respected myself I would have walked away and moved along way before.

Why do they seek to destroy?  As mentioned before alot is emotion and impulsivity based.  Pure splitting either with her or against her.  I was made an enemy for seeing behind the mask. I believe I delivered a narcissistic injury to her ego. I was ripe for punishment.

I believe she was a cluster B mash-up.  The malignant side of her had to attempt to destroy me. If I was moving along, Then in her mind she was losing to me.  She cant have that.

Looking back, she warned me early on that she could be a "little" crazy.  She reffered herself as being a siren and a modern day femme fatal.  I believe that she enjoys her lifestyle, and has absolutely no reason to want to change.  

As long as there are willing participants,  she will continue doing this.

"Stay away from her, she is attempting to destroy you and your life"

Is this true? It sounds to me like she is destroying her own life... .you are just collateral damage.

It's an important distinction to make. Someone taking themselves down is about them... .not you.

Well, she's told me I'm not a good father, threaten to send me to prison, that I would never see my son again, her bf is a better father than me, she never loved me, she's taking our son out of daycare, she won't help with expenses while I'm almost broke, she says I destroyed her life and our sons, and this is only the beginning.

But i get your point, she's destroying herself and I can choose to allow her nasty words to affect me or not. I've listened to her threats and mean statements for a long time and my habit is to take her serious.

This falls on me, be a victum or just remember she's very sick and consider the source.

Thanks Skip for the reality check

In some way, saying this to you and you validating it with your reaction is helping her. It could be as simple is that she sees herself as a failure in these areas and needs to level the playing field a bit to look in the mirror.

If she was your spouse and you were trying to make it work, we could delve into it, but that is not where this relationship is.


Why is this triggering you? Most likely you have some doubts about what you are doing. Let's talk about. You are buying what she is saying. What is it that is hitting home?

Let's peel the onion back Jerry. It's hard. It's what you have to do. You friends, your sponsor, everyone involved will get behind you on this. Hunt out and find your demons here. Its doesn't have to be logical or true - but they are there.

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You could say that you are letting her destroy your life, right?   Up to you to stay/go.  LJ

What a great point, Skip. I will remember it as well.

I will explore this more, at work and should actually be working, thanks everyone 

I've noticed that you tend to avoid and put off these "do the work" threads and gravitate more towards "she ain't right" venting threads.

Are you ready for us to hold you a little more accountable: For your sake? For your child's sake?

I don't want to push you in to anything you are not ready for, but you're at 1,300+ posts and still mostly in the early parts of stage one of detachment (see menu to the right).

Are you ready to take this head on for your family?

Hey Jerry-

Maybe it's been said, but the only reason you need to have anything to do with this gal is your son yes?  Otherwise you could remove her from your life entirely.  So if you get your act together, keep your side of the street clean to use AA terminology, and she trashes her life, you just might end up with sole custody and contact with her would be minimum to none.  That may be a goal, it may sound attractive, and it can certainly be used as motivation to dig into your own stuff, as others have mentioned, so you can be the best Jerry you can be for your son, one way or the other, yes?

I truly do need and want to focus on my issues and I appreciate all your help, at a AA meeting and yes I'm ready to face my problems so I can let her go and stop blaming her for what I'm responsible for.

Be back soon

That's a big step. You don't want to become a dry drunk |iiii

We're all here for you, Jerry. And for the kids.

To make a long story short they are childish. That being said children are high in whatever emotion they are feeling. When they are happy it's  exaggerated, sad, angry? Same thing. To something that level minded people would say "I didn't like when you did that" a BPD person would say "I hate you!" And unfortunately mean it in the "moment"

Is she trying to destroy your life? Probably not (if she is mostly likely she has other issues ontop of that)

I honestly wouldn't say she's trying to destroy you, what she's doing is self sabatoge and you are getting some of the effects.

Like I said before they are very child like.

Here are some things I've been thinking about, and thank you all for your concern and helpful recommendations.

First and foremost I have to accept that my sons mother is indeed very sick, and stop trying to figure her out and stay in reality, she may not be aware of the seriousness of her illness.

I also have to remember she won't change until she's ready, if ever, still not my concern.

I must get over the idea that she will someday see things my way and she will stop blaming me for her misery and problems. I cannot change her beliefs or thinking.

Our son needs a stable, healthy parent in his life, for the time being that would be me, hopefully in the future his mother will step up, again, it isn't my concern. I do the best I can and she does whatever she does.

I have to take care of myself as well, if I fail it will affect my ability to parent effectively.

On to the subject of triggers:

I have always doubted my ability at being a good father and I've listened to and believed the bashing I got from sick people who told me I wasn't a good dad.

I grew up in a dysfunctional home, became codependent and this carried over and affected my parenting and my beliefs about parenting

I overprotect my children out of fear they will undergo the abuse I received, irrational thinking and a matter of trying to control when I actually have only so much control. Drove myself crazy with worry and fear.

I am aware of my control issues now and I have learned to accept that I am powerless over some events, like if my kids get hurt it is a normal part of life, I cannot protect them all the time.

About the relationship:

I still obsess about my sons mother, but as long as I don't have any interaction with her I do much better and the feelings fade to a few bad memories and nightmares over the things she did, suicide attempts, threats, stuff like that, PTSD stuff.

I don't want to talk to her or see her or read her text or emails, because I am not yet strong enough to ignore her attacks and lies. I am getting better but I realize it takes time to build up my self worth.

I do on occasion wish she would one day be well and we would be a happy family but that's just not reality at the moment, being a single parent is tough, I don't believe parenting was meant to be split between 2 households.

I know I have a lot to learn and I have to take responsibility for myself and my choices

I am open to any suggestions and willing to do what I need to change, my sponsor gets angry with me because I put things off, right now I feel overwhelmed just taking care of my son, (excuse) being sick. I know I'm a wimp when I get sick, and self pity is a big part of my thinking, pessimism and blame, martyrdom, codependency, resentments, jealousy, fear, anger, I have a lot of things to work on.

Hello do you have full custody or most ?  

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Custody answer/discussion relocated here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298086.0