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My DD came home for a weekend pass two weeks ago from Friday – Sunday.  We wrote up a contract of what the expectations were for it and one of the things being her curfew was 9:00 untill trust was reestablished at which point, the time would increase in ½ hour increments with an 11:00 cap.

Friday she came home a little before 9 PM.  Saturday she left at 10:00 am and text’d me at 9:15 PM to say she’d be a little late. I ended up calling the police when she didn’t show up after  10:00 pm.  They located her and brought her home at 3:00 am…

Sunday she asked if she could go out, and I told her no. She asked why stating that she didn’t go out the day before.  I reminded her that yes she had and that I had to call the cops a second time.  She went out anyway around 4:00 pm, and the police located and brought her home around 5:00 PM.  I had called her and told her I was giving her 15 minutes to get home before I called them, and she said she was too far away.  The located her 10 minutes from our house.
I took her back Sunday night and told her and the team she was not permitted back for a home pass or even permanently until she can demonstrate that she can follow the rules.

She begged me to come home this week as her house parent was going away and it was either home, or a respite.  She cried saying how she has anxiety about going someplace else unfamiliar yadda, yadda, yadda, and I told her sorry, no she cannot come home yet.  She called me yesterday telling me how she likes the respite home so much better than the other because she has a tv in her room and is allowed to cook, etc.  I even gave her a recipe for meatballs and spaghetti sauce.  She was in an excellent mood.

This morning I receive a call that she awalled.  She apparently left through her bedroom window at 10:00 pm.  The window had a silent alarm which alerted her temp. house parent who called the police to report her missing.  In addition, she tried calling and texting her with no answer.  I am thinking DD was going to try and sneak back in and after realizing she was caught, decided to stay out.  She still isn’t back.  Apparently one of the team members was able to get a hold of her at some point and DD told her she was safe.  I was hoping being on probation would give her some motivation to do well, but I guess not.

The saga continues my friends…  

How very disappointing this all is. When our kids have no fear of consequences they make really poor choices.

What will the consequences of this be for your daughter?

We are with you ray... .hang in there. 

lbj

Thanks lbjnltx.  I asked that very same question about consequences and am waiting for an answer from her treatment team.  She is on probation.  I don't know if this will have any impact on that or not, but she is scheduled for her second meeting with them tomorrow.  I do believe if she misses it, there will be a warrant issued.  However, I am not impressed by her probation officer.  I specifically told him I wanted her tested at her first meeting, and he agreed. Then I find out he didn't test her. I've left several messages for him to call me back, and he hasn't.  Plus DD said he was "cool".  So God only knows!

Dear ray. I am so sorry this continues I know how you feel about the probation officer if they tell you they are going to do something they should follow through. My d could charm everyone I remember when she was in the rtc 16 to 17 years old they all wondered the staff what she was doing there until it all hit the fan months later she never ecaped so we were thankful for that .  Truly hope she is safe and comes back , you certiainly have done all you can .  Keep us updated   

Remind us ray... .when will your d be 18?

September 7, 2017

Ray,
Sorry the saga continues... .you have done everything in your power. 

Guess only time will tell what the consequences are going to be and what the next step is.

My heart goes out to you, too, Ray! 

Your story brings back so many memories to me... .the fright, the anger, the feeling of hopelessness.  Our daughter started running and disappearing when she was just 12.

I hope you are able to stay confident in knowing you are doing all you can to help your child.  Even though this is all-encompassing, take some time out to just sit and breath deeply and clear your mind.  You need to look after yourself.

Huat

Thanks everyone.  I'm pretty numb to it all, at the present moment anyway.

One of the team members said she heard from DD16 via text this morning that DD was safe.  She wouldn't respond to when she planned on returning.

DD's probation officer called me and asked if we have heard anything.  I told him about her being in touch via text, but that her whereabouts were unknown.  I asked him what the ramifications were for this, and he said if her whereabouts are unknown, he will have to issue a bench warrant and she will go back to detention.

Ok, now after typing that, I'm angry.  I'm angry at DD for constantly putting herself in these situations.  She cries how she wants to start her life, get her license, get her GED, start college and then she does this. I know it's the illness and all, but how can she talk to intelligently one moment and act so foolishly the next? I don't think I will ever understand this disease.

DH keeps trying to pound in to my head that it's not my fault. I told him when the rollercoaster ride starts, he may need to remind me of this again... .

   

This girl has gotten soo many chances and was just given another! The fricken' probation officer is giving her until Monday (the program holds the beds for 5 days) to return or he'll issue the bench warrant! Wow, just wow.  They aren't telling her that though. He tried calling her and she picked up, apparently got disconnected, and now won't answer his calls.  Does the reality of this situation need to slap them in the face to see that they are not helping matters by doing this stuff? I just don't get it.  She probably casted her spell on him too! Good lord.

I don't understand why either, because you know, and I kind of get the sense, that the more lenient you are with your DD the more she'll exploit that.
Just hang in there and be strong.

Dear Ray

I am not sure I am all caught up with what is going on with your dd but I know it must be hard to tolerate the discomfort you must feel watching this all unfold. I truly hope some holds your dd accountable for her actions but I can't help wonder what kind of help is being offered to her. Your dd had a drug and alcohol problem? Am I remembering that correctly?  Is she getting any help with that ?

Hang in Ray. It is really a marathon not a sprint so take care of yourself. ❤️

She only mainly smokes pot, to my knowledge.

She still has not returned.  The other night for the hell of it, I went on back page (a place where "escorts" post their adds) and after putting in her cell phone number... .a add came up.  The pictures of the girl on it were not DD, but were someone who looked like her.  So I was thinking maybe that's what they do; in an effort to remain anonymous, they put up pictures of people who look like them... .then last night, for the hell of it, I did it again.  This time another add came up under her number, with her pictures and was for escort services in GA!  We live in NJ and the other add was around NJ.  So I contacted the detective and informed him of this.  They will be setting up a sting operation.

Last night her BF text'd me that DD text'd her and told her to tell me that DD said she's safe, loves me and will call me as soon as she can.

A few of my friends cannot understand why I am not freaking out that she is missing.  I hate to admit it, but I am so use to this by now and actually feel relieved to not have to deal with her on a daily bases.  I still love her and worry about her, but at this point I take comfort in knowing I tried EVERYTHING for many many years.  She is now in charge of her own destiny.

I picked her things up from her treatment home yesterday as she is now kicked out of their program.

Dear Ray, So sorry to hear this about escort service,  my goodness this is alot to handle does her bf know about this alleged escort service? Stay strong and I am glad you heard from her that she is ok and loves you .  One moment at a time   

Hi Ray, I'm so very sorry your daughter is missing - the thought she is involved in the wrong company is worrying  , are the police looking for her, as she is a minor at 17?   Rest up as mggt says one moment at a time.

Once they are 18 (legal age where you are?) standing back can be quite a useful lesson as they are responsible adults and you can re-evaluate for you. Till then, keep going as the great parent you are, then looking back you know you did your very bestest in difficult circumstances  .

WDx

It's now been over two weeks that DD16 has been gone.  Her "boyfriend" was more of a casual when I see you we hook up kind of thing.

I have contacted the detective involved in DD's case to try and find out what's being done to find my DD on numerous occasions.  Even went to our district police department a couple of days ago to see if they could help (since she was reported missing in a different county, their hands are tied).  I get the sense that they (the police department and him) are taking things too casually.  I could be wrong.  The thought has crossed my mind that perhaps they are in the midst of a sting operation and aren't permitted to divulge such information to me.  At least I hope that what's going on.

I was very upset when I found out that the probation officer just filed the bench warrant Monday!  Turns out the program she was in was working with him to try and stretch out them holding a bed for her! I told him I wish I was informed of this because I had told everyone that DD would not be going back to that program!  I am so annoyed.  And I am getting really worried now.  I'm just so fearful of getting "that" knock at the door... .

The last time anything has been seen or hear from DD was 4 days ago when she posted some pics on instagram (she doesn't realize her page is public).  

As each day goes by, I get more and more worried about her and more and more sad. I really do miss her... .Her Birthday is September 7th... .I just want her safe.

Dear Ray,  Sending prayers she will be found soon  heart-smil

Ray, I can't believe the nightmare continue... .we are thinking / praying for you all.  Just know you have done everything possible.

Dear Ray,
I remember you from a while back when I used to be on here regularly. Your story is heartbreaking and it is also one I've lived through. Prayers for you & that your daughter returns home safely.
In my case the last two times my daughter was no longer a minor, but the local police did send photos to the city (we live in a suburb of NY). I described her as "at risk", which is an understatement. Unfortunately there's not too much anyone can do... .100s of thousands of missing girls/runaways. This time my daughter came home voluntarily the day before she lost custody of her baby to his paternal grandma (they ALL live with me). She described quite the community of "kids"... .I keep reminding her that a 24 year old mother isn't a kid, but that's how they all think of themselves.

Hi Ray
I have been lurking ere and reading your posts as your story continues to unfold.
My heart goes out to you it really does. Prayers that your DD is safe and well 

Dear Ray, I'm so very sorry, you are doing the right thing to chase and follow up all the authorities, your minor is missing. Do you have good friends to help and support your search?

Remember they are accountable, keep going - and we are here for you.

WDx

Thank you to those of you who have been so supportive and have offered tremendous advice.

This sounds like my sister's situation a few years ago. The police came to her door and treated her like a perv. In this case it was a "son".  He would come in and do whatever he wanted to her then call the cops and had his mom and siblings investigated. He enjoyed every minute of it and he had no fear bc he had already made friends in high places and told them what was going on, at home which wasn't even true. He would get money from God knows who, anyone that would lend or give because he never wld pay back to feed his nasty drug addiction. When the mom call the cops they wld kind of make fun of her bc I guess they knew him (SON). He was just like them. Idk what was wrong with her she didn't kick him out earlier. But now he's in so much trouble. He was advertising child phonography and he was acting as a pimp. Had created a fictitious cover up site and all. He claims it was to donate to the needy but he was actually breaking all the rules of the internet.  But it was done in such a icovert manner, it took the authorities time to figure it out and pin point the locations.  False advertising and something else. He made the mistake to take money from the wrong person and even went as far as having someone call to meet up. A woman texting then calls. What a elaborate operation but the FIB has seen it all.  When they met it was a final hook up and he and his crew all got put where scum like that  belong. He is my nephew but my sister is such a beautiful woman, she didn't deserve that. I hope all works out for you too. I'm preying.

I will try and keep this as brief as possible.  A detective came to our house about 2 weeks ago asking if we had seen DD’s boyfriend (the one I mentioned I thought she was with).  The boyfriend had a bench warrant out for him resulting from not appearing in court.  The detective took and interest in my case in trying to locate DD.  So in collaboration, we were able to locate both, together, in Georgia.  Detective contacted GA detectives and were able to locate both yesterday.  Because boyfriend is 20 and considered a fugitive, he was extricated (sp?) back to NJ.  Apparently in GA, the legal age is 17, so considering they did not have charges against DD there, they let her go…
Long story short, because now that I cannot force DD home by having help from the police there, I decided to let her go with my blessing and I told her my door will always be open for her.
I just cannot do it anymore. I tried my best.  I do want to find out if I can go to GA and have her emancipated there.  I am leaving for Mexico for a much needed vacation with my best friend and will deal with this when I come back.  If I come back… (wishful thinking).

Ray, You have certainly had your share! 

Will pray your D remains safe on her journey; you have done everything and more.

Enjoy your vacay a little R&R was very much deserved.

You know what Ray? You've been an outstanding advocate for your DD for years and you deserve to take a break, let things sink in and then come back and make some decisions. I wish you nothing but the best whatever you decide to do.

I'm back.  I had a very relaxing awesome trip! My decision to let DD go hasn't changed.  And our relationship is pretty good right now.  In fact she just called me to vent about her room mates saying how they are arguing because according to her, she does everything. Lol.  Welcome to the real world honey. |iiii

Glad you have had a good break Ray, you so deserve it xxx

Glad you heard from her get some rest 

Glad you are back and recharged.  Maybe things will steadily improve with a little distance between you and D?  (we can only hope).

Be well, have a bright day!

My daughter is in contact with me in some form almost every day now.  She also friended me on Facebook... .

I asked her yesterday if she is enjoying life and she responded "yes maam".  I told her I was happy about that, but that I will never stop worrying about her. She said she knows.

I can only imagine what she's doing down there in GA as in making money.  She and her two roommates are about to rent a house there.  She sent me pictures and videos of it and it is spectacular!  She sends me pictures almost daily of her out eating at nice restaurants too.  She's living the life man!

In my fantasy and distorted world of thinking in dealing with someone with BPD or BPD or whatever she in fact does have (I think it's extreme impulse control related personally), she is going to be ok even if she's choosing to live the "escort" life.  If that is in fact true, at least she's a high priced one.  Isn't that sick to even say? But I had a cousin who use to be a hooker on the streets of Atlantic City.  I do not think DD would ever put herself in a position to have a pimp, because she is far too controlling and independent and would not allow anyone to dictate her life.  Which is evident by her persistence on being able to be on her own from me (authority figure) all these years... .

I can only hope she remains safe, is well aware of the risks involved all around in that "field", and doesn't allow it to be her life forever.  At I told her, I will always worry about her.  And I will always love her no matter what.

Thank your lucky stars that she's communicating daily; that's a relief right there.

Your continued support is paramount and her knowing you'll always love, worry for her is great.  We mom's worry too damn much, can't tell you how many grays have popped up lately, but that's what color is for!

Hang on in there Ray and try to enjoy the time you have for yourself now . She's chosen her path and while it's not one you would have chosen for her , at least she seems to be okay . Now is YOUR time to start sleeping properly at night and recharge . Start to live your own life again xxx

Hi everyone.  Just checking in.  :)D has been calling me a lot to get advice on certain things from medical related things as well as relationship type things.  She really is telling me a lot now.  Part of me does not want to hear so much about her way of life right now (told me how her boyfriend is in a gang, etc.,), but I listen, do not criticize and validate her feelings.  

She still contends she works at a diner, but obviously I know that is false and I no longer bring it up.  I try not to think too much about what she's really doing for money because it gives me extreme anxiety... .

I did have to tell her the other day that I am her mother and if I see things that I feel could have a negative impact on her that I am still going to talk to her about it.  She said ok and that she wants me to    I said it's ultimately up to her now to do what she will with what I have to say.  The other day she and her friend were on Facebook live talking about how they just got paid and holding up around $1,000 in $50s and $100 bills.  My DD friends anyone who requests her.  So she has about 100 "friends".  I explained to her the danger of doing stuff like that I she seemed like she got it.  We shall see... . We plant the seed and hope it grows as my mom always says.

I am still and will always be extremely worried about her.  But yes, she has chosen her path.  It was just a matter if now or when she turned 18.  Either way it would have results in the same thing.  So while I still struggle with my decision not to try and pursue other means to get her back, I feel I did what I needed to do not only for others in our house, but for her because I simply could not keep locking her away.  It killed me!

I have been telling her to never ever think she is stuck and has nowhere to go or has to resort to certain things to survive.  I told her my door will always be open to her and she could come home anytime.  I even told her I would help her work out the legality issues if need be... .

While I admit I am not a religious person myself, I do appreciate when those who are pray for my daughter.  I need all the help I can get!  

Our relationship is obviously much better because she got what she always wanted - to be free and do whatever she wants to do.

I hope everyone is doing well.  I haven't really had the time to read through posts, but please know you all are in my thoughts.

Hi raytamtay3

I've hopped over from Coping & Healing again. Thanks for the update. It is what it is as we often say on Coping & Healing. We do the best we can do, it would have been nicer if the results were different, but you've done the best you could do and perhaps now is indeed the time to let go a bit. Though you will always be her mother so I think it is natural that you haven't completely let go of her.


I think it is great that you told her this. She is free to do whatever she wants now, you are not here to rescue her but by saying this do clearly signal that you will always be there for her. Although the situation isn't ideal, perhaps this is the best thing you can do for her now, just show her you care and let go of everything else.

Take care

The Board Parrot

Well I for one Ray , think you have done an absolutely astounding job with your DD , if only I possessed a shred of your patience ! |iiii use this time now to find yourself again . What will be will be x