BPDFamily.com

Yep... .you read the title right.  My goal is to take what my wife and I agree on... .found helpful... .from this experience and make sure to incorporate that into our marriage for the long term.

I won't shy away from discussions about what didn't go well, but doubtful that I will be initiating any of those conversations. 

Goal of this thread is to clarify for me what I learned that was helpful.

1.  The structure of devotions has been helpful for our family and is a platform to teach important lessons.  My wife initially thought I was going to "ruin" the kids and "cost them" their salvation.  She seems to have settled down a lot.  While the structure is not as "robust" as I would like it, the ideas behind it are now firmly part of the family. 

Ideas I have been pushing for structure.

Less use of my wife's mouth for correction and more use of natural consequences.  (you are correct to guess that I didn't exactly spell this out for my wife). 

The basic gist of the structure is that my wife is responsible for getting kids to table at or before 0730 and letting me know that they are ready to go.  No going back to bed is allowed.  After devotions work starts around the house.  So, if kids fall asleep at devotions, can't participate... .whatever.  They go to bed earlier.  Basically... .I've given up "fighting" about bedtime (because I'm usually already asleep or heading that way) and I focus on letting natural consequences fix it.


I also don't get caught up in the rabbit trails of worrying about starting at 0733 or 0740.  The point is that we are doing it and eventually we'll likely regularly start before 0730. 

2.  Structured meetings to handle family business.  These are now pretty regular.  Overtalk has been identified as unbiblical and looks to be on the way out of the r/s.  I regularly walk away from overtalk.  It is slowly getting better.  These meetings are also a place for me to listen and validate and be very obvious about taking my wife's counsel on some things.

3.  Abusive behavior around sleep is gone.  She seems genuinely considerate of my sleep needs.  As long as my sleep stays up there with about an 8 hour average (per night over 7 days)... .I'm a different person. 

4.  That me talking more and her talking (yelling) less at kids is actually respecting her authority.  This was a place where biblical counselor and my psychologist were on the same page.  I am the authority in the house.   My wife's authority comes from me.  Any disrespect (backtalk... .etc etc) to her is actually taking a shot at my authority.  If I hear it, I step in and handle the issue and my wife' backs off.  This shows that I value her and also gives me a chance to work tools on kids. 

What tools you ask?  I'm a very big on first identifying the emotion they are experiencing/expressing.  I validate that... .make sure they understand I am there with them for what they are feeling and then ask them for their assistance with their behavior.  I am making sure there are two distinct concepts. 

1.  All feelings are ok  Even being "mad" at Mommy or Daddy. 
2.  All behaviors are not ok.

At first wife seemed a little huffed up about all the "feeling" talk, but pretty much keeps quiet about it now.

I'll do another thread later about issues that we are not "one flesh" on.

So... .bottom line.  I'm glad I did it.  I'm glad its over.  I'm glad that I didn't prematurely pull out when I was "just" pissed off about something (which as you guys know... .was kinda often).

I think the way it ended... .reinforces how seriously I take abusive behavior.  That there is no bend in my position for that.

Please toss out other things you guys saw as positive.  I'm sure there is more I'm not thinking of right now.


FF

I went through two marriage counselors with very different approaches to bettering my marriage.  Despite the negative outcome (from a MC standpoint, not my life standpoint  ), I am very glad for the experiences.  There were without a doubt a lot of positives to take away.

I'm glad to hear that you experienced the same.  The biblical approach to your counseling matters a lot to you and your wife because that is your faith, so I would hope there were positive takeaways.

And I'm also glad you gave it an honest shot rather than bail early.

Haven't seen you around lately, FF, so I'm hoping things are going well with your wife. All in all, I think it was a good experience for you in spite of the BMC being totally out of his depth, rigid, clueless and inept. At least he seemed like he meant well.

I like your distinction between feelings and behavior. It's something I remember from grad school. I've tried to mention that to my husband, but he doesn't seem to have enough of a "self" to parse the difference and not identify with his behavior. It became "You hate me" or "I'm not all bad" when it's merely about something as minor as him leaving a mess in the kitchen. So lately I've refrained from commenting on unimportant issues.

I'm glad you have the wisdom of your psychologist to rely upon. If only your wife would consent to seeing her too... .

It has been silly busy around here getting kids off to school and college.  Especially when one of my college boundbis trailering a horse halfway across the country... ,.

More later

FF

There is some strategery going on to bring this up next week. 

The initial request will be to give feedback on how the marriage is and changes that I have made in myself. 

Once there is a comfort level established... .we'll see if it can go anywhere else.

FF