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I had two things happen this weekend that have brought to my attention that I am unknowingly but also visibly carrying around some deep sadness that I thought was hidden.

A long time friend totally blew me off this weekend and would not make plans with me.  I am sure it is because he resents my "not getting over it already".  He told me in February that I am not allowed to say her name again because "it is over and I should move on".  While I was really hurt by his words, I obliged his request while keeping my mouth shut.  We have got together a few times since February and I thought everything was ok so I could not understand his reactions this weekend.

Also this weekend a different close friend that told me I have seemed sad ever since the breakup and that while she understands my sadness it can get on her nerves.

This was all somewhat surprising to me because I believed myself to either, not being saying anything or minimizing discussion about the ex. 

I left that conversation feeling like a leper; don't want to spread my problems around and should hideaway until I am done processing.  But I also feel like I need the friendship.  I am not sure what to do other than to try and patiently understand that they have had enough while I take whatever time I need and I guess keep my contact limited to when I feel more up beat?

Has anyone else run into this?  How are you managing your feelings?

Hello joeramabeme

First off I would like to say this was and still is my delema. The only solution is to make a tough choice, and make it over and over, a 1,000 times a day if need be.

My sponsor tells me to just strike up conversation about/with others and keep our exs out of it. Tough and I'm having limited success. The biggest hurdle was getting the obsession of her out of my thoughts long enough to think. No Contact helped with this.

I know the solution, I just have to choose to talk to others about what interests them, and only discuss my ex with people who want to help me.

Much easier said than done.

It just takes time and work, you will get there. Trust me, I understand your frustration, we all want answers, these relationships leave us with so many unresolved conflicts and confusion.

I hope I helped, I hope you get better.

Thanks for the great post

I am so sorry your friends are so unsupportive. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to be sad as long as you need to. I have friends like that too. I mostly avoid them now. I do have a few friends who have experienced theses sorts of betrayals and they let me feel whatever I feel. It is so helpful. I am sorry you are enduring this. I hope you are able to find something to help your friends understand or find a few fiends that get it.

Experiencing this very much myself. I'm currently grieving the loss of my 5 year relationship. It's incredibly hard.

My closest friend, since child, has for the most part, ghosted me. He will, on occasion, reply with a text, or call. But its rare. And it's usually the one moment when I am in the shower or asleep. I have not spoken to him in months, yet I have sent a number of texts saying I am having a really rough time, and talking would mean a lot.

My brother, who I used to be very close with, I guess just got tired of me and the drama. So much it's basically destroyed out relationship. He flat out said, I am not allowed to bring her up. Yet, I was still very much in the thick of it- it hadnt even ended. So when things really broke down, I was cheated on, ghosted by my ex, I know it's a trigger, and if I even so much as mention her he will- literally block my phone numbers and ghost me. He's done this a lot. 2 months, NC. Then 2 weeks. Now again.

A therapist told me, one has to respect that people have their own problems, their own lives to worry about. Friends should be about positive things, to have fun together. I understand that. And for 36 years, I really never had any problems. I was always the fun guy.

But for the first time, I have found myself abandoned by the person I love, dealing with lots of regrets and sadness, about the loss, about shame, things I did wrong to her, and really, with no one who cares or wants to listen.

My parents even; get over it, move on.

I guess unless you've been in this type of relationship, or if this doesnt sound ostentatious, this in love and this hurt by the loss of the love, they dont understand.

I can say I truly loved my ex. More than any other girl I've ever been with. I would say it was in many ways true love. Even now, after she really gave me a horrible ending to our story, I dont hate her. Im just sad.

I don't think many people find love like that.

GoingBack,

I have experienced similar things with friends and family. They were all about as supportive as you would imagine right after things ended but I got the sense that after a while, they had heard enough. If you haven't been through a serious long term relationship with a pwBPD, there's no way to understand what this feels like and I guess I can't really blame them for that. Being a guy especially, you get a couple weeks of sympathy from male friends and then it quickly turns to "screw that **** man just get over it".  I've said it many times here but I am honestly sick of being around myself and constantly wallowing in this misery so it's easy to understand how other people would have gotten sick of it long ago.

on one hand, we should be mindful about this. lots of stories that refer to driving friends and family crazy, i know i drove at least one person crazy and i overshared with a couple of people i barely knew.

let me get this straight:

-your friend made a "rule" that you are not allowed to mention your exes name
-you obliged
-he broke plans with you and refused to make more
-another friend says your sadness can "get on her nerves"
-you feel like a leper

im with hope2727. im really sorry your friends havent been more supportive. when i drove someone crazy, it was because they no longer knew how to help and i was shutting down most advice. not once did i hear that my sadness was their problem, or be told "it is over, get over it". i would have felt like a leper too, and im not sure i would have responded very kindly.

forget about BPD for a moment: you are divorced from your wife of eleven years, do i have that right? and it hasnt even been a year? and what, youre 'not allowed' to be sad about that or even mention her name without being punished?

im trying to keep this constructive here, but thats pretty lousy to me. i hope your friends never need any support.

im reminded of something  C<||| fromheeltoheal said that he has told some of his friends. something along the lines of "i was in a relationship with someone with a mental illness, and what i need from you is understanding and compassion." you have the right to ask for that. if they cant provide it, they cant provide it, but punishing you or telling you your sadness gets on their nerves is A: not constructive and B: not very "friendly".

im not suggesting you cut them off or anything. ive had friends in my life that were the opposite of supportive and modified them accordingly. it might be time to do that. you have a right to grieve without being made to feel wrong for it.

Once removed, yes, you got the details correct.  I internally thought much of what you said but also feel vulnerable and needy so hesitant to speak up - especially when I am looking to preserve r/s and "support".  Sadly, I think divorce creates circumstances that can avalanche into other relationships.

Much appreciate your comments; "you have a right to grieve without being made to feel wrong for it"

Love the my family!