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I think I have a sleeping beast inside of me - you know, like the one in "Legend of the Falls" - where Brad Pitt's was likened to a Grizzly. Basically he was at peace for the better part of his life, but when tragedy hits, he can't deal with it.

I think mine might be more like a Kraken. Far less graceful and majestic.

I spent my early twenties in bars. And bar fights. We all have our sob story. I had a lot to be mad about. So I just was angry. All the time. And I took it out on everyone around me. I had a partner in crime who was prettier, tougher, and viciously meaner. She was my roommate and together we became fixtures at the local bars. We were given the nickname "Batman and Robin" for taking on a guy in a parking lot beating up his girlfriend. The only time in my life I was a sidekick.

I don't know what made me take a turn for the better. Maybe it was a knock down, drag out fight with Batman. I lost without grace. Gawd, I was mean and vengeful. So was she. How sad that I still miss her?

I met my husband right around that time and the beast fell asleep. He awakened such a sweet love in me. For those who have ever had your boundaries shattered when you were a little girl, a teenager, or woman -- you understand exactly what this means. To experience love that makes sense and that doesn't involve violence or intentional hurt. To fundamentally grasp that you deserve more. To physically long for someone to come home. To still get butterflies, after 12 years, when he's been away on an out of town job and where you drive eight hours to see him ---- and can't get out of the car fast enough as he's standing outside in a hotel parking lot waiting for you.

He would walk through fire for his daughters. He's walked through a proverbial one when it came to his BPD ex-wife. Engulfed in flames of money, time and sanity... .burning at the whim of a person given the standard rule of the court system with more time, more power, a lower income needing to be compensated for and who has a lower emotional IQ then a whiny teenager.

His middle daughter, at 17, has decided she wants to live with her mom. Visit on the weekend. Drive the car we pay for, talk on the phone funded by the same account, and grace us with her presence when it works for her. We've conceded to letting her do what she needs to do --- and accepting that sometimes you just have to let go. The raw emotion is betrayal... .and a deep rooted hurt. He protected those girls for so long and he is more then a bank account to be tapped when needed.

His hurt is my hurt. His pain is my pain. His disappointment is my disappointment. His broken heart is my broken heart.

I was on a jog over the weekend (don't be impressed, I'm on week 2 of Couch to 5K because I need SOMETHING right now) and my mind wandered to just how awful a person I once was. I reminded myself that I'm not that person anymore. But that I'm also capable of being her. Of tearing you down where you stand.

And I just feel her awakening... .

And I hate it.

I don't know how to cope. :'(

Hi DreamGirl,

That is a tough situation to be in. I can really relate to your feelings of anger about what is happening with your family, and your husband's role in that. I, too, have felt off-the-charts anger when I've perceived a threat to someone I love or someone especially vulnerable. I think of it as a kind of protector mode. When it happens, the intensity of the emotion surprises me, and I feel suddenly very strong and powerful; willing to do whatever needs to be done to stop whatever I deem is not supposed to happen. Luckily for me, the situations never warrant that kind of action, and that tells me that the anger (fear) is disproportionate to the situation, and is likely coming from my past.

Is this a kind of protector mode for you DreamGirl, or more a personal survival one? Having taken on the threat as your own? (and maybe there's no difference)

You have every right to feel angry and even vengeful. It makes sense, given your background and what is happening now. Have you tried letting the feelings have their time to flow through you? Feeling the sensations in your body and trying not to attach a story to them. Sometimes acting on them is a way to avoid feeling them. You said you had a lot to be angry about in your youth; this could very well be that sleeping pain coming up for more attention and acceptance, yes?  

I think the running program is a great way to work through this energy. And it IS energy. You can use it for good.

heartandwhole

You describe it as if you were succumbing to this Kraken in your twenties, and haven't seen it for years.

Back in your twenties, how did you feel about this beast, or this side of yourself? Did you even try to fight it, repress it, or re-direct it? Did it come out anyways?

This time around, who is it targeting? What is it wanting to do?

Hi DreamGirl,

Your husband sounds like a really great guy and dad. I'm sorry to hear about D17. Is it the intensity of the feeling that has you worried? It's understandable with your D17's choice. You're a wise woman with good character today because of your experiences. Don't be hard on yourself.