BPDFamily.com

Hi all

I know that we are told not to try to make sense of disordered thinking but this does flummox me each and every time.

So I'm back in contact with friend; sent him an email Tuesday night saying to him that I know he doesn't trust me at the moment which is ok and I understand due to me saying some dumb stuff previously.  The email wasn't responded to; not that I expected one as it wasn't that kind of email.  Yesterday morning I noticed he had disappeared off Facebook and he had gone completely, not just blocked me as I checked on my secondary 'snooping' account.  Still no emails off him but just checked Facebook and he is back on there again.

This behaviour really confuses me; I'm not sure whether he does it so I notice and contact him to ask if he's ok or not as I used to do this previously when I noticed he'd disappear but I'm not doing it anymore.

Any ideas on this behaviour?  Is it some kind of push/pull?

It could be, if he knows you are looking. But it could just be him doing whatever he does on/off Facebook.  :)  I can see why it seems confusing to you. It would to me, too!

I think it would be better for you to take your cues from direct communication with him, rather than monitoring his activities as a way to decipher what he is feeling or thinking.

What's your take on that?

heartandwhole

Thanks Heart and Whole

I can feel the crazy making starting to happen again; I can't help feel I am being tested and I'm getting anxious about doing the right/wrong thing but that might just be my perception.

I'm not going to contact him again; if he wants to play games he can do that on his own.  I just find it strange that he was on Facebook for 3 months solid whilst we weren't speaking and after only being in contact less than a week he has deactivated and reactivated his Facebook account again.  It seriously flummoxes me.

I hear you, izzybusy, and it sure does look like confusing behavior.

Remember, though, that improving a relationship with someone with BPD doesn't mean walking on eggshells all the time, or feeling afraid to be yourself. What kind of a friendship would that be, right?  :)

What kind of boundaries have you thought about with regard to this relationship? It sounds like one is "I won't have a friendship with someone who plays games with me."

Have you thought of others?

heartandwhole

Hey izzy-


You may be being tested, or more specifically the attachment is; borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, so a borderline will test it to see if an emotional attachment is still in place, and based on what you're telling us, it is.  It's up to you how crazy you let that make you, and along the lines of what  C<||| heartandwhole says, Facebook is a very disconnected and incomplete form of communication, which leaves lots of gaps for your head to fill in, adding to the crazy if you let it, best to communicate with him face to face or not at all at this point, so the flummoxing can be minimized as you detach and heal yes?

Thanks both; I'm trying not to let it get me crazy but 2 days in no response to my last email is making me think 'here we go again'.  The other weird thing is my FB messenger keeps showing  a new message request, however when I go in to it there is nothing there.  Might just be a  coincidence as why FB message me when he has my email and mobile number.

I don't want to do this dance again.

I've just received this email from my friend which literally arrived 15 minutes after I deactivated my Facebook account because I'm sick of the games.

Hi; I'm going away for a while.  I'll message you when I get back x

I replied 'OK; hope everything is ok X'

I dunno anymore.

Where is your power in this friendship? Are you waiting for the dynamic to shift? Is that it?

I don't know what I'm waiting/ hoping for anymore.  It's not even been a week and there's push/pull which I'm not playing into.

Hi Izzy,
I've been reading your posts for a little while now and I can hear the pain and frustration. This kind of behaviour on your friend's part can cause such an emotional rollercoaster and at some point we just want and need to step off. I know the feeling of wishing the other person would just do their part, make some effort, to level things out with us and communicate openly. But it doesn't seem like your friend is working with you much at all, does it?

If you want to stop this dance, what would you need to do to untangle yourself and begin detaching?

I definitely do think that I am a trigger for him.  I don't know why but its like he can't cope with speaking with me for too long before the push/pull starts.

I feel incredibly sad today as I feel so sorry for him as he obviously struggles to manage his emotions and it must be hard to live like that day in and day out.  I just want to tell him that its ok, I'll always be his friend and I'd try to help him in anyway that I can.  But of course I won't tell him all that because I don't want to engulf him and I don't want him to feel like a victim.

I just want to see him, give him a hug and tell him everything is ok.