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I am thinking about taking the plunge, ripping off the band aid to save myself. I was thinking about writing to him, just something simple. I loved this person and I actually believe he loved me, maybe not in the way I loved him, but we connected as people, we had so much in common, he made me laugh, I loved his smile, loved the way he walked and his funny expressions, loved the way he called me “lovely” and “gorgeous”, loved the way he held me, but almost immediately I remember the bad, remember the pain and the heartache. It's as if he transferred all of his pain, his anguish, onto me so he wasn't alone. It’s time for me to let go and I'm in pain, but I want him to know I loved him. More than any one ever in my whole life, we connected, almost immediately. It was as if I recognised him from the word go. I know he felt the same. He wasn’t handsome, not in the conventional sense, but he looked beautiful. I miss him with every part of my soul, but I need to do this. Shall I just leave things as they are or shall I tell him this and then walk away and salvage what’s left of me? I’m seeking closure I suppose, with no expectations, just a note to him then it’s just me and then I can start again. I want to start again. I want peace again. My life isn't over yet I've still got things to do and people to love and people who love me.

Closure... .not something that we typically get from our pwBPD.  My closure had to come from within myself, though trust me, I tried many many unsuccessful times to get closure with my pwBPD.  They all failed and a good many attempts actually led to a recycle. 
I'm fairly certain you are in a place that you know you do not want to return to this relationship.  If that's the case, I suggest you write a letter here, and share with us, as opposed to him.  Exposing yourself to him will only reconfirm in his mind the connection, which may very well extend your pain. Just my 2 cents.  I know this hurts, but it will get better!

There is no roadmap to detaching. I think your case, you still have a category 5 BPD cyclone spinning around your neighborhood causing damage and destruction to everything. Perhaps what you do right now is figure out what will ease your turmoil somewhat, to allow you to enjoy the little things in life again. Because detaching starts by enjoying the simple pleasures, and coming to a realisation that there is more to life than our ex's and our enjoyment and fulfillment of it does not rely on our former relationship.

Closure is important, however will this potentially shake the proverbial hornets nest? Are you equipped to handle any negative feedback, or worse, positive feedback?

People write letters and don't send them OR they wait a nominated time before sending them off. Maybe it would help to write what you wanted to say, and maybe wait a few days or a week to decide if this is the right thing to do.

Larmoyant,

I think it's a great idea to write that letter. The only question I have is around sending it to him. Do you need to? You say there are no expectations but by sending it are you maybe hoping for a positive response, or an acknowledgement of the pain from his side?

Just writing it might give you the closure you want.

I recognise the desire for closure. My ex of 15 years left and there's been no closure for me either. Over time I've given up on that. This is fairly common for BPD I've read.

Well done on your restart |iiii

I am thinking of how interesting it is that us "nons" have a need for balance, and almost fair play in relationships.  We need closure, almost like we need to know the other person is okay after all.  One can consider divorcing a BPD, which to them, is a fate worse than one thousand deaths, and the ultimate rejection, and abandonment, and the encapsulation of all the horrid things that can happen, and yet, we don't want to upset them or make them uncomfortable while doing so.  

Which is funny to me on an intellectual level because sometimes I get the impression that us wanting closure, fair play, reciprocity from the BPD, is like wanting the pet cat to understand that the stock market is down today.  It's not in their nature, or possibility.


edited - and certainly, write the letter.  Put it on paper for yourself if nothing else. 
Best wishes and love.

Larmoyant,

As someone whom has gone down the path of writing a lengthy & heartfelt letter then sending it via email in an attempt to receive closure, I will say that it is not worth it and the chances of getting what you want out of this are minimal, unfortunately. Like others have said, it seems to be very common amongst us here that have gone through this to have received no closure and it only adds to the immense heartbreak and confusion that you're already going through.

My personal experience is as follows. The discard was sudden, it came about mere hours after her telling me how much she loved me and acting totally "normal". She moved out of our place was at work and let me know through a text message, after which there was no communication for a week. At that time, I had such an overwhelming desire for closure that I wrote the aforementioned letter and sent it off to her email. I don't know what I was expecting, I told her how much I cared for her and how hurt I was, I asked her why she felt the need to end things in this way and why she had to lie to my face while she was planning this. The response that I received was very odd. She was nice, cheerful, supportive, all of the things that I loved about her. She said nothing overwhelmingly negative about me and mostly just focused on how hard it was for her which of course made me want to run to her rescue and save her. Seeing her communicate in this way to me just made me miss her even more, as is seemed like my perfect soulmate was out there and I just needed to get her back. This is where things went (predictably) downhill. I responded back asking very directly why she didn't want to be with me and this led to the classic "painting to black" diatribe which had I not known about through research, I probably would have tried responding to her to prove her wrong and show her that I'm not this horrible person that she made me out to be. Luckily, I didn't do this and simply responded by saying that I was sorry she felt so negatively about me and then instituted full NC.

So in the end, I didn't get any of the "closure" that my brain was so desperately seeking. I got sent on yet another emotional roller coaster of first seeing her acting as though she was still my girlfriend then immediately switching to berating me and attempting to make me feel terrible about myself. Looking back, I really don't think that there is anything to be gained by pursuing this closure and it's more likely than not that you will end up even more confused than you are now if that even sounds possible. The only positive that i took away from this was having the ability to make it clear that I was going NC so that I wouldn't have to worry about getting contact from her and ignoring it.

Stay strong, this is an incredibly difficult position to be in. Just remember, seeking closure is a normal and logical thing but you are dealing with a person who is anything but logical, so trying to use them as a pathway to achieving a rational result will never work. True closure must come from within ourselves and I wish I could tell you how to accomplish that but I am still trying to figure that out.

Larmoyant,

I love Ahoy's description of the Category 5 BPD storm, and I'm right there with you.  I also appreciate everyone else's perspectives on closure and have found that to be true as well, although perhaps not in the same manner as others have experienced.  When I recently broke things off for what DEAR LORD PLEASE LET IT BE THE FINAL TIME I discussed it with him, and then sent a long and heartfelt email, because I tend to be somewhat more eloquent in writing.  Didn't matter.  I can see from our continuing endless circular hamster wheel conversations (that I appear powerless to fully stop) that he has NOT taken anything to heart, insists that he NEVER hurt me (although endless accusations, frequent use of the "c" word and other lovely names, insulting my precious daughters, etc etc. apparently don't constitute "hurt" to him) and continues to insist he "never did anything wrong".  The upshot of all this is he is NOW acting like nothing ever happened and that a recycle is imminent, which I keep assuring myself is NOT the case.  For example, he texted me this morning inviting me to come over and say "hi", which is code word for inviting me over to use me for sex and a free meal.  NO.  Sorry, now I'm just ranting, but I will never receive closure and NEITHER WILL YOU if you mean closure to be an understanding and perhaps a mutual forgiveness and blessing to move on.  Contrast this with the closure my ex-husband and I were able to give each other (conversations, some tears, forgiveness and a really nice wedding gift to him when he married wife #2 in 2014, lol).  Our marriage OBVIOUSLY had many many issues, but essentially we were able to be adults with each other and get things out on the table and help each other to heal.  YOUR EX AND MINE CAN'T DO THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT NOT NOT NORMAL.  Please, Larmoyant, let's be band-aid buddies!  That PhD proposal is waiting!  And so is the rest of your life - mine too!

"closure", or what we are really talking about here, a symbolic chapter on our grief we want control over, isnt something we often get in relationships period. think of the thousands upon thousands of songs about this.

closure is fully grieving a relationship, accepting the outcome, and being done.


you did everything in your power to communicate this.


theres nothing wrong with sending a note if thats what you choose to do. just know that it is not preventing you from starting again or finding peace. having difficulty letting go is, and thats okay. personally i have found my peace when i learned to forever hold it and be confident that i did the best i could, and you did. give the same to yourself and youll find your closure 

This is a really good point and something that I'm constantly trying to remind myself of. After being painted to black by my ex, I found it very easy to start thinking of the 'what ifs' and that line of thinking will get you nowhere. For example, she would say we didn't go out and do enough new things anymore so for a while I would think "If I just took her to one more nice dinner than this wouldn't have happened". I was basically trying to blame myself for the instability of my ex and it just isn't the kind of thought process that is conducive to any kind of healing. Maybe one more nice dinner, one more evening of bringing flowers home etc. would have made her stay another week, another month, but the end result would always be the same in terms of the discard. My issue was that I never once applied a "what have you done for me lately" mindset to my ex and assumed that she didn't as well but I was very wrong about that.

Thank you for your responses. I think it’s a good idea to write and not send the letter. At least until my head has cleared a little. I did write one and sent it to a friend and she advised the same. Sleep on it. Makes sense.

I’m just feeling so sad today. Sad and exhausted. I’m not happy with the way things were left between us that’s the problem. He sent me a goodbye text, wrote “I’m sorry. More than you’ll ever know”. I didn’t acknowledge the apology, or the emotion underlying it because of all the other ‘goodbyes’. I’m used to these dramatic ‘goodbye’ gestures, but he always comes back. Paradoxically, I was also scared it may really be over this time and lastly, I am so angry with him for all the destruction. I was cruel and threw it back at him and asked "what are you sorry for?”

I vacillate between distrust, fear, anger and compassion. It’s confusing. It’s always been confusing!

This is all via text so maybe he didn’t realise I felt these mixed emotions. He’d be trying to work out what I meant I’m sure, only he didn’t ask, just withdrew. I don't know why? It feels unfinished. I feel the need to explain. I don’t want to be a cruel person. I’m confused, not in a good place, but this is the closest I have come to leaving this all behind me.

DazedD40, "It does stop and it does so by slamming you in to a wall and you just end up sitting there feeling like its collapsing on top of you."

Yes, this is what it feels like and I'm hedging closer and closer to being full NC.

How did I end up in a 7 month break-up! Seven long, arduous, painful months of more push/pull. Staying away has been the hardest thing I’ve ever struggled with. I realised today that I haven’t even seen him physically for 5 months yet he still has such a huge impact on me.

Drained1996. “Exposing yourself to him will only reconfirm in his mind the connection”

Could you explain this a little more please? Do you think I’ve reconfirmed the connection by responding to his ‘goodbye’ text?  Is that why he’s gone silent do you think? I've shown him in some way I'm still engaged and that keeps him happy for a while. That makes sense of what's been happening lately. He contacts me, disappears for a week and then comes back again. Maybe he's just checking that his attachment is in place? As opposed to withdrawing because I’ve hurt him?

Ahoy.  “I think your case, you still have a category 5 BPD cyclone spinning around your neighborhood causing damage and destruction to everything.”

This actually made me laugh. This is just how I imagine him.

“Perhaps what you do right now is figure out what will ease your turmoil somewhat, to allow you to enjoy the little things in life again. Because detaching starts by enjoying the simple pleasures, and coming to a realisation that there is more to life than our ex's and our enjoyment and fulfillment of it does not rely on our former relationship.”

This really hit the nail on the head. I’ve lost pleasure in life. I was thinking lately about getting a new puppy. I lost my beloved dog 17 months back and have been mourning her loss all this time. I’ll never forget her, but maybe I’m ready for a little puppy again. Something to love and love me back.

Moselle, this gave me pause to think. I don’t believe I have any expectations. If I send something it would be after I’d taken steps to permanently block his number, changed emails. Quite frankly I’d be scared of any response, positive or negative. I don’t want to know. If that makes any sense?

SG. “We need closure, almost like we need to know the other person is okay after all.” This is what I’m feeling. I don’t want to have been cruel to him. Really, he is so very unhappy much of the time. I’ve seen his anxiety, seen him struggling with emotions and I know he tried hard at times. He just couldn’t handle it. I want him to know I get that now.

PJ, I simply cannot imagine the pain you must have/are going through to be dismissed so cruelly. If I send anything it will most definitely be the end of it. I wouldn’t want a response. I honestly can’t take much more. I’m pondering your words “true closure must come from within ourselves”. This seems to make sense.

Chillamom, my new band-aid buddy  :). I like Ahoy’s description too. Made me laugh and do I ever need to laugh. So did this “DEAR LORD PLEASE LET IT BE THE FINAL TIME”. In fact, much of what you wrote resonated with me. Whatever you do don’t let him use you for sex again. I swear I often felt like an object in my relationship. Horrible, horrible, horrible (there go those changing feelings again, hurt/compassion/hurt/compassion!).

Back to compassion. As for closure I’m thinking of it in a sense of being kinder to him, because I feel that I’ve been cruel and also kinder to myself so I’m not left with feelings of anger and resentment. And, as I wrote above it would definitely be sent so there’s no chance of getting a response. Seriously, I’m worn out. Today, I can barely move I’m so tired. A better, more peaceful future’s calling for both of us. For everyone here.

Once removed, "closure", or what we are really talking about here, a symbolic chapter on our grief we want control over, isnt something we often get in relationships period. think of the thousands upon thousands of songs about this”.
This makes me feel sad because perhaps this is what my ex was trying to do when he sent me his ‘goodbye’ text. Maybe that was his closure and I didn’t acknowledge it. I think I’d like to acknowledge his apology, whatever he meant by it. It makes me feel tearful thinking I’ve hurt him.

Quote from Once removed “you did everything in your power to communicate this”. “

I’m not sure I did the best I could though because most of the time I just didn’t understand what was happening. I’m sure I made things much worse at times. I did try to show him I loved him though, but do you think he knows this? Knows that I really did love him? I understand you don’t have access to his thoughts, don’t know him, but do pwBPD know that we love them? Do they see us trying? They test us so much.

Larmoyant,
As others have said, there is no road map for detaching. I'll offer maybe a slightly different perspective from some of the responses. I wrote many many emails to my ex, trying to find closure. Long, heartfelt emails that in which I really poured all my emotions out. This was during a drawn-out phase of recycles and post-relationship limbo, where neither of us seemed ready to let go, but the dysfunction was too obvious to ignore.

Well, at some point I realised she was just letting me pour my heart out, while dating other guys and trying to find that next connection. That hurt. A lot. And for several weeks I was so angry that I had poured my heart out like that, shared all my inner turmoil and love and pain, all while she was closed off and trying to move on. When I pushed her on it, she said, "well I just don't open up like that. I'm sorry for all the times I said I would answer your emails. But I would get home after work and feel tired and I couldn't be bothered." It made me so angry and bitter.

But that eventually passed. And now I'm glad I poured my heart out like that. I meant every word. Maybe I was naive. Maybe I was foolish not to see what she was up to. Yeah, I felt embarrassed and played for a while. But I gave her honesty and wrote out all my love and feelings, page after page.

Now that I have some time and distance between me and the relationship, and the pain is subsiding, I'm happy I went for it and put all my feelings out there. The vulnerability still kind of hurts, because she never reciprocated. But you know what? Every week or so now I get an email from her, in which I can see how tentative and scared she is to open up. I've started putting the relationship behind me and I would never return to it. But if she would open up and ask for an honest conversation, I would give it to her, and give her the closure she also needs.

But she's too scared to open up like that, to be vulnerable like that. At least that's how it seems to me. And it seems even more painful to me than opening up and putting your feelings out there. I wish she could let go of some of her own fears and pain and let her walls down. Not for me anymore, but for her own sake.

So, you know, that's a slightly different perspective on things. But if you're feeling unsure and confused about how you might react if he responds, there's no harm in writing the letter and sitting on it for now. Maybe you send it some day, and maybe you don't. :)

I should say I would TRY to give her the closure she also needs. As many others have said, closure is ultimately something we give ourselves. But there are ways to end a relationship that make it easier.

Basically, what I wanted to express in my last post is that we often regret vulnerability in the short term, but not usually in the long run. At the end of my relationship with my ex, I felt so hurt thinking that I had made myself so vulnerable while she hadn't. I can't deny that caused me a lot of pain. But the more distance I have from the relationship, the less I regret having expressed my feelings openly.

Think of it this way. When we reach the end of our lives, are we more likely to regret the times we opened up and honestly expressed our feelings or the times we locked ourselves away? I say the latter. And that's not a suggestion that we make ourselves vulnerable by returning to the same relationships. I would never return to that last relationship. First and foremost, we have to know where our healthy boundaries lie and make sure that they're respected. If sending your ex a letter is likely to bring him back into your life in an unhealthy way, then it doesn't seem like a good idea. Sometimes we really need sufficient distance before we can think of closure.

rfriesen, your post has highlighted how confused I feel and after reading this everyone else will be too! Apologies if it makes no sense. I need to sleep.

quote: “This was during a drawn-out phase of recycles and post-relationship limbo, where neither of us seemed ready to let go, but the dysfunction was too obvious to ignore.”

You’ve described it perfectly and ‘post relationship limbo’, is what it feels like, although, he, on the other hand, despite not letting me go, has been looking and has said, in his latest text, that he’s “moved on”, implying he’s found my replacement. The pain of that is pretty indescribable as I’m sure you unfortunately know.

This makes me feel hurt so maybe I won’t send him anything after all. It would probably just feed his strong narcissistic streak. And, there's the possibility that he might share it with a replacement as he did with me.

Then again, in his down moments, when he’s feeling bad about himself maybe he’ll remember that someone did love and care for him, didn’t want to leave him and understood a little. Now, this takes me back to what Once removed said that I already did everything in my power to communicate my love for him. I’ve already done it. He already knows. I don’t need to keep telling him. He might deny it sometimes, might not have trusted it, but there were moments when it broke through. I’m sure of it. Maybe I don’t need to remind him after all.

rfriesen, your experience with feeling “played” triggered a memory too. We were in a text battle over something or other once, and he was trying to bring me around. It took him a while and I started thawing. It got to the point where he made me laugh and sent me kisses urging me for kisses back. I resisted for a long while because he’d hurt me only I eventually melted and he got his kiss returned. At exactly that point he disappeared. Completely off the radar for 24 hours. I was left confused and hurt all over again. Some sick battle for control and when he got it he disappeared.

So now I’m definitely not sending him anything!

But then, what about the times when he was genuinely sad, so desperate to have me back? I could see and feel his suffering. And what about his last text? He apologised, didn’t say what for, but he tried and I rebuffed him. Like you experiencced rfriesen, I’ve seen how tentative and scared he is to open up, to be vulnerable. So was this a genuine effort for closure on his part or a trick, a lure, like the ‘kiss’ incident I just described. I have many examples of him behaving that way. It felt sadistic.

See, I’ve gone mad! My emotions and thoughts are confused. One minute incredibly hurt by his behaviour, so no letter, too scared, and the next compassion for his disorder. Is this normal? It’s as if his borderline traits have oozed out of his body and jumped into mine. I’m a mess of conflicting emotions. Isn’t this what pwBPD feel? Have I got BPD? I certainly feel disordered after this abusive relationship, so down and defeated.

In all, there doesn’t seem to be any chance of closure. I'm too confused and there seems to be a lot of mistrust and fear on both sides. Stalemate.

Maybe, I'll just write myself two closure letters. One, for when I feel hurt and angry and the other when I feel more understanding and compassionate.

Thank you for your input.

Yes, I do know and it's excruciating. It will get better. But it's devastating for a while. I'm not even a jealous person - don't think I had felt any real jealousy since my first high school girlfriend. Until this most recent relationship that has brought me here, that is. She had me walking on eggshells about so much as talking to another girl, while she was so constantly inappropriate with other guys ... .it still boggles my mind how I put up with that. It's as if I semi-ignored it the whole relationship, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks at the end (when she was already dating guys) how much I had put up with and then I felt all this repressed or delayed jealousy all at once. Before this relationship, I never would have thought of myself as someone who would put up with any of that, and it's still hard for me to try to face it and accept that I really did put up with it.



When I reached this point, that's when I realised I had to stop trying to get through to her. I don't regret all the ways I poured out my heart before reaching that realisation. But it's true that at some point, it just sinks in that you've said it in all the ways you know how and there's nothing to be gained by saying anymore.


I can't speak for your ex, obviously, but what kept my head spinning for so long with mine, is that I think she was almost always sincere when she really needed to have me express my love or concern or passion. But that wouldn't stop her from taking advantage of it later. She never did it so instantly and brutally as you describe in the "kiss incident", though. I can only imagine how horrible that must have felt. But, as a general pattern, yes I really relate to how you describe things -- such ambiguity between sincerity and calculating, cold manipulation. I think the truth - at least as far as I can tell for my ex - is that even she doesn't really know which it is sometimes. You know - even as she would pull me back in, I'm not sure she could have honestly said whether she wanted me back to be open and honest and loving, or because she needed me back to vent her pain and frustration. (Maybe sometime here you've come across the title of that book - "I hate you - Don't leave me" ... .really captures something of the dynamic.)


Oh man, have I gone over and over this in my mind. I think it's important to take all the time we need to find a balanced view of things, and understand what parts of our own personality, what needs and desires etc, helped fuel the dysfunction. Why did I walk on eggshells the way I did? Why did I hold on so long? Why do I still feel the loss so heavily, when I know how unhealthy the relationship was? There's a lot to think about.

That said, I've had several fairly longterm relationships before and have never experienced the love/hate dynamic and have never gone through such a messy and traumatic break-up. I also never responded to my ex's provocations by raging and yelling back at her. These are some of the reflections that make me realise I wasn't fuelling the dysfunction in the same way as her. But fuel it, I certainly did. I got caught up in the intense idealisation and I brushed a lot of things under the rug and walked on eggshells ... .so that for a least the second half of our relationship (8 months or so), we were both desperately trying to keep the idealisation intact, which meant that so much of our relationship was a minefield. Why did I stay in a relationship that had become so fragile and explosive, and why did I do such a poor job of making one clean break of it?


Yes, that does seem to be how these relationships end up. Very very sad and hard to process after the initial intense idealisation.


Sounds like a good plan! And it sounds like you've reached a point where you know you need to write them for yourself and not for him. I hope it feels like a step towards detaching ... .if not immediately, then as a step that you've put in the bank, that will pay off soon :)

Drained1996. “Exposing yourself to him will only reconfirm in his mind the connection”

Could you explain this a little more please? Do you think I’ve reconfirmed the connection by responding to his ‘goodbye’ text?  Is that why he’s gone silent do you think? I've shown him in some way I'm still engaged and that keeps him happy for a while. That makes sense of what's been happening lately. He contacts me, disappears for a week and then comes back again. Maybe he's just checking that his attachment is in place? As opposed to withdrawing because I’ve hurt him?

Yes, it seems pwBPD reach out to simply reconfirm a connection at times, I'm guessing it soothes their own self loathing for a bit to feel that connection.  Of course we really don't know why they do a lot of what they do... .because they don't understand themselves.
  I'll also add this observation... .your thoughts are very empathetic towards him and his feelings.  No matter what you do or say, he is not going to "feel" better as he simply does not have the emotional capacity to understand.  He suffers from a severe mental illness.  You can't fix that, you can't make that better, all you can do is protect yourself from the damage this illness brings and begin to shift your focus to yourself... .it's time to show YOU some love.   

In my heart and soul I know how you feel. I loved my ex wife very much, went through so much pain especially after the final discard. For me part of the pain is no closure but with my ex, if I seek closure it would just invite a whole lot more pain, more unanswered questions in my brain. Writing a letter only feeds the NPD/BPD person, opens the door for them to inflict more pain. I thought I would never see the light at the end of the tunnel, I anguished in pain every day. At night I prayed to god I would die in my sleep. My T guided me through this pain not around it. More than once I told my T in done never coming back. I'm going to drop my family as she wanted, I'm going to try harder to prove my love and worth, learn new ways to live with the steady diet of covert emotional abuse and all would be good. She will acknowledge me as a human and profess her love for me. WRONG. I went stright through the pain, did not write that letter that went through my head a thousand times, did not feed her, did not open up a bunch more new wounds to pile on top of the old ones. Every day is not perfect but I can't put words to how good I feel. I met her on the road this morning, I had my super slight moment of pain but it's long gone now. Save your self new unanswered pain.

I really need to thank you all for sharing and helping me work through this incredibly confusing, painful stuff because I seem to have had a breakthrough of sorts. I can’t really explain it yet, but somethings lifted.

Rfriesen, I’ve put it in the bank!

Drained, I’m working on my empathy/dependency issues with my therapist. Maybe this will lead to the ‘gift’ of the relationship that I’ve been reading about here.

Quote: Busboy, "if I seek closure it would just invite a whole lot more pain, more unanswered questions in my brain."

This has sunk in. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. That you have come out the other side has given me a lot of hope. Thank you for sharing.

I wrote a letter to him. But it's for me to read. Nothing I say will make a difference. In the end everything is my fault. (Sarcasm) I read it every time I self blame or start hearing the lies of change. Still w BPDh I'm on the road to divorce. Also I wrote almost immediately after an occurance the things that happened during his rages. What was said what I said etc. I read that over and over when I see myself slipping back into The cycle he's created. Hard to resist when they're being nice huh? But reminding myself it's a lie and it will get bad again has helped.

neither did i, and how could we have?

we can always have done things better as humans are imperfect beings; thats how we learn, and there is something to take from it and do better next time, as opposed to beating ourselves up and being stuck in the past. it doesnt preclude the idea that we did the best we could with what we had at the time. doing the best we could at the time, and acknowledging we could have done better are not mutually exclusive. make sense?

Hey Larmoyant,

this thread covers one of the main topics involving failed relationships with pwBPD... .so, I'll add my 2 cents.

As others have said, finding closure with BPDs is an almost impossible task; indeed, finding closure requires emotional maturity, something that BPDs simply CANNOT deliver due to their limitations.

When a final breakup happens, a BPD typically severes the old attachment to form a new one with another person; since they cannot accept their part in the failure of a relationship -- they cannot tolerate feelings of shame -- deep psychological defense mechanisms kick in, forcing them to be the "victim" and "paint you black".

That's why, in the vast majority of cases, trying to reconnect in an amicable way (provided that you don't want more), or just find some closure, turn out to be a futile, painful exercise: they will blame you as the one in charge of every possible error in the relationship, depict you as defective, etc.

And even in the case they paint you temporarily white again -- it's also quite common, this happened to me after 13 months of NC -- the reconnection or the "closure" will be, most likely, just temporary.

Finding closure in ourselves is the only way; it is very difficult, but it will be also very powerful and liberating.
A big hug, it will pass, okay? Take your time

I guess for me, finding closure starts with realizing that I wanted so badly to believe that my ex can truly understand where I'm coming from, and know that I'm sorry and that i tried to 'be' the person she needed. But then realizing that, her perceptions of the r/s and mine are, WERE always very different. Truly Acknowledging those differences is where it really begins.

Closure is figuring out and being honest with the fact that, our life values were much too different to make 'love' really work in our favor. Yes, thats really sad. But, what I believe and what she believes are not the same thing. The BPD traits just heighten her behavior... .I'm left to assume.

While I was busy seeing this girl as my future, thinking of her as my wife one day; involving her in my life and dreams, even eluding to wanting babies with her, expressing my soul and feeling comfortable settling into something long-term - She couldn't even get past basic r/s values; biggest one being trust issues and the general feeling that she was loved and cared for. It was 'failure to launch'. It never got off the ground for her. In the entire year she quite simply: Did. Not. Evolve. I see now that, that was a great source of my frustration with her. And talking to her made no logical sense.

Closure for me is being honest with myself and recognizing how different we really were. 10 year age difference aside, my life experiences have shaped me into a far more reasonable, empathetic person... [ IF I'm getting similar feedback of course]. I'm left to believe that WE brought out the very worst in each other. Now, do i want to blame her? Well sure... 'cause not once did I start a fight or cause trouble. It was ultimately my response to her constant moody behavior that finally set us both down a bad path. I think now it was self preservation on my behalf. I was an understanding guy, until i wasn't. I always felt provoked. It caused me much confusion emotionally.

Closure for me is: Seeing the fantasy from the reality and accepting that I was love blind and wanted to believe our r/s was strong enough to endure the 'what if' phase , or the bargaining phase. Even now I do that... jeez... I did the whole r/s. All not healthy.

IN the end, Larmoyant you'll have up/down days, right? I lapsed and sent an email to my ex. Short and sweet email just saying hello, didn't even bring up the past. She never responded. That was 2 months ago.

I also have said letter you're writing now. Everyday I'd add to it, explore better my feelings, correct the errors and change my explanation so it didn't come off as blaming her or offending her. In the letter I took responsibility and also told her how I honest felt I was to her and, how unfair i felt she was for not trusting me and how sorry I was she couldn't see the good I was trying to provide. — I never sent that letter.

That letter is for me.

So now, I come here every so often when I'm feeling down. This site has made me stronger and has helped my healing. You're on the right path and if you want to send the letter just have an open mind as for what your expectations are. If they won't validate you, you can rest assured that we all will... .until you're ready to move on without us.

peace.

You highlighted one very important point Mars, that is, BPDs have very deep trust issues and think that their partners cannot love them.

My ex repeatedly told me that, while on an intellectual level she knew I loved her, from an emotional point of view she just couldn't believe me. As a reason, she told me that this was due to the perceived abandonment from her father (she said he was the first man of her life who betrayed/abandoned her), who divorced from her mother when she was 7, and acted quite uncaringly afterwards -- at least, judging from her words.

For sure, they were not seeing each other since 2 years when we started our relationship, and neither they spoke to each other throughout our r/s. Very odd and dysfunctional.

Now, I think these trust issues in reality stem from the relationship she has with her mother... .the relationship with her father just added further issues down the line.