BPDFamily.com

Today I'm fighting the hardest I've had to in a while not to contact her. She's all I've been thinking about. I miss her so, so much.

It's almost been 1 month since I've seen her. We exchanged polite "thank you" and "you're welcome" type texts a couple days ago, but aside from that very limited contact, we haven't spoken in about 20 days. I know we're advised to consider what needs our exes met, etc... .to figure out if we really miss that person or if we miss something that they provided us with. But what I'm missing most right now is just HER and her unique self. No one else makes me laugh like her - I don't think I've had a genuine laugh or felt genuine happiness since the last time we saw each other. We share the same interests, humor, values, beliefs... .she was my absolute best friend and my heart feels so broken without her.

It seems the general advice is to continue NC, and if she wants to talk to me she'll talk to me. But I'm really struggling with this & questioning whether it's even true. It probably is, but part of me thinks she's so strong-willed and can be so stubborn that even if she wanted to reach out to me she wouldn't. Part of me just wants to go for it and see where she's at, but I know I probably won't hear what I want to hear. I believe she still loves me but she's pushed me away to avoid the potential disappointment of it not working out or her expectations not being met. I just can't fathom that after 7 years the love would just disappear. I think she's trying to protect herself and if I'm not in the picture I can't disappoint her, anger her, or make her sad.

The last time we spoke she told me that I could call her if I really needed to, but basically implied that it would be best to cease communication for any frivolous reasons. I was in a car accident two nights ago and really damaged my car, to the point that it may not be repairable. I wanted to call her so badly, but I didn't. I didn't want to look needy or come off negative.

I have been hoping and praying that she will contact me and want to talk, but she has not. 
I just don't know what to do today. Do I keep fighting the urge and hope that it pays off? Or do I just go for it, call her and risk upsetting her/being ignored/hearing something that makes me feel worse... .I considered an email - just to catch up, see how she is and if she'd be open to having a conversation sometime. That seems a little less intrusive, but it is still contact.

I'd appreciate any advice. The ultimate goal in my mind is still reconciliation, while I believe hers is to move on. I'm just having so much trouble letting this go, especially because I really question her reasons for pushing me away. I know I can't change her but I just know that we could both be so happy if she would let her guard down and let me back in.

Hi again, JJacks0,

Sorry, just saw that you've started a newer thread.  Excellent and brave choice to reach out when you are struggling hard. 

I've been told by people here and my T, as I consider how to reach out to my own person, that I should examine my motives and not have any expectations.  This is hard, and perhaps even impossible to maintain 100%, but it is excellent advice, I think.

Meili and others are correct, I believe, when they encourage you to focus on yourself right now; this is in part so that you can approach your situation and any potential reengagement  with a fresh perspective and outlook. 

Seven years is a very long time, and you and your partner shared a lot, it seems.  There is nothing wrong with being honest about wishing that your current circumstances were different.  Holding reconciliation as a goal, though, seems to have you anxiously waiting for contact, instead of focusing on learning and growing from the experience as it stands right now. 

What are some of the ways you could, or are, helping yourself to adjust your focus away from your partner right now? 

best,
lar, laris

Thanks for taking the time to read this, lar, laris. You're absolutely right - I am dwelling, and anxiously hoping for a phone call that may never come.

I guess my motive is just to start a dialogue right now, to end this silence... .and to eventually be able to see her. I am just hoping to have some contact with her again. I honestly just want to talk to her and see where her mind is, catch up, and ideally it would be great to get to spend some time with her but I know that is probably not what I should be thinking about, nor is it something that she would probably even agree to.

I am struggling with focusing on myself right now. I go to work, see friends and family, do different activities, but it all seems like so much effort, just different ways to get through the day and try to occupy my mind/distract myself. I still end up back here. I have evaluated my role in the r/s and read up on BPD, etc... .I've reflected on a lot of things and I do have a different perspective than I did before. Now I'd like the chance to put these things into practice. I understand the need to grow as individuals but I can't exactly figure out what more I should be doing right now. I feel like I am just going through these daily motions with the ultimate focus still on her.

We know that you miss her. It's a really hard situation to be in. I bet that it hurts more than anything that you can remember. I know that it did for me.

I remember thinking that no one would ever make me feel like my x does. Then I thought about it, there are over 6.5 billion people on this planet! The odds are that someone, somewhere out there would create the same feelings.

You can reach out to her if you like. No one would blame or fault you for that. You have to remember that NC is about you and giving yourself the time to heal and make significant changes in your world.

It's natural to question NC. We have all been taught that relationships happen a certain way and that love conquers all. Well, the media has been lying to us for decades! Much of what has to be done in a relationship with a pwBPD is counter-intuitive because we've been taught differently our entire lives.

With that being said, what have you changed about yourself that you could show her if you broke NC? Would you be contacting her from exactly the same place as when you split, or are you different now? What would she see from you if you break NC? Are you prepared for any and all possible outcomes?

I agree that she's protecting herself. Now, when you look at what you wrote about what she's protecting herself from:


and compare it to the answers to the questions asked above, what do you think that the outcome of the conversation would look like?


If you fight the urge, and do the work, it will definitely payoff; without question. Of course, that depends on how you define a payoff. It really is a no lose situation for you. If you do the work and the two of you want to work things out, you win. If you do the work and one or the other doesn't want to work things out, you still win because you're a much better person and potential partner for someone else (as opposed to being a shell of a human who has spent months pining over someone).

If she truly loved you for those 7 years, then you can pretty much bet that the love hasn't just vanished over night. Yes, there are cases when pwBPD do not possess object permanency, but that depends where on the spectrum they fall.

JJacks0,

There isn't much I can add that hasn't already been said. Meili nailed it perfectly.

I can share my personal experience. I have been with my wife for 10 years, and have 2 kids together. We are currently separated but living together still. I can also share that I was where you are now, a few weeks ago. I have since turned a corner.

I am no longer focused on trying to fix HER. I am focused on fixing MYSELF. The sad, unfortunate truth is, there isn't anything you can do to fix her. Trust me, you need to honor the NC.

Now, I am going to continue to learn the communication skills learned here, which is really important to open the lines of communication and re build trust, but I have turned my main focus to Co-dependency, as I think you should too.


Thanks,
Method

You're right, thank you all for the advice.

I'm not thinking about fixing her anymore. I know all I can do is work on myself. I just want to be able to put it into practice and that uncertainty is what's making me so anxious. If I felt confident that she would contact me at some point, no matter how soon,  this would be much easier. 

I'm afraid she may never.

Yeah, I get how hard the wondering is. That really is the hardest part of this at first.

I am curious though, why would it make it easier? Would you somehow be more willing to work on yourself if you knew that she'd contact you? What would that change for you?

Well I will work on myself either way. I would just be much more content thinking that she had the same end goal as me. Instead, I imagine her looking for a replacement. So my motivation to call her isn't instead of working on myself, it's in addition- it's just that I'm so paranoid she's forgetting about me, I want to remind her.

I know she won't just forget 7 years' worth of time, but I'm not quite sure how object permanence is for her. While we were together she did let other people fall to the wayside and rarely even spoke of them, aside for her closest family and best friend. Honestly even that was rare. So with the deletion of all my photos (and I'd assume she threw out all memories of me in her new apartment as well)... .I'm just not sure where I fall in her mind. I'm willing to bet she still thinks of me but as I said, I think she's pretty desperate to move on and protect herself from getting too close to me again.

So I don't know, I guess I just hope that getting in touch will remind her. But it's not only that - I really just miss talking to her. I've seen so many people compare this r/s to an addiction, and I definitely feel that way lately. It's like I'm in withdrawal and just talking to her for a little bit would be the dose I need, but it might also just set me back. Knowing that one day she would reach out to me would just ease that feeling of panic and paranoia that I keep experiencing, because I wouldn't feel like she was actively forgetting/replacing me. Of course there's no way of knowing, that's just how I feel.

It's very common to feel as you described. I think that many people here would agree with you that just hearing the voice of their pwBPD after the relationship has ended would temporarily ease their pains. Based on my personal experience, this is true. But, just like any addict, after the feelings from the fix are gone, I felt as bad or worse than I did before. The only thing that I could think of to ease the feelings was to reach for the next fix. It's a cycle that will continue until we consciously stop it.

I'm really trying to convince myself that contacting her will be worse.
There are just so many "what ifs" running through my brain.

I'm obsessing like crazy lately. If there were a 99% chance that the interaction would go up in flames, I'd still get hung up on that 1% chance that it could go well, that maybe she would be happy to hear from me. Maybe she'd even want to get together (I don't expect this to be the case, as much as I'd like it to be).

I'm just finding each day so overwhelming and exhausting because I constantly fight with myself to keep NC. A few days ago I actually planned a future date that I would consider breaking NC. I thought about when she would be done with work and assuming she wouldn't have plans, decided that could be a good day to try reaching out to her. I tried to think about how much time would have passed (almost 1 month)and if anything could have changed since then. That date would be tomorrow. And now that it's here I'm trying to convince myself why I shouldn't reach out. I'm trying to just push forward one day at a time, without breaking NC. But I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't still flirting with the idea. As badly as it could go, that slight chance of feeling happy again is enough to keep my head wrapped around this.

You can always look at it this way, if you reach out to her you could trigger her and find yourself hurting worse than now.

NC is a period for the non to heal and recover. If you're still ruminating, you have not healed or recovered yet. So, even though it's been almost a month, nothing has truly changed no that front. Is that correct?

What new and exciting changes can you show her that you've made in yourself with regard to the problems in your relationship that you own? I don't mean for that to sound snippy, but rather something for you to think about when considering whether or not to break NC.

That's true, that is something I've thought of. I don't want to upset her and make things worse by reaching out prematurely.

You are correct, I am definitely still ruminating. All that has changed is that I have been reading a lot and thinking about changes I need to make in myself rather than things she needs to change. I've gotten to a point where I'm accepting her for her and focusing on my role in the r/s.

So in your opinion the best chance of ever having something successful with her in the future would be to wait for her to contact me and try to improve myself in the meantime. Is there ever a time when you think it would be appropriate for me to contact her? Or is it best to strictly wait & leave it in her hands?

No, there will come a time when it will be fine for you to break NC. That time is when you're strong and confident, and it won't matter what her reaction is because you'll know that you'll be fine with whatever it is.

It's just advised not to do before that time because it can cause far more hurt than you're already feeling and ruin any work that has already been done. NC is about you, not her.

Good point, thank you for the reminder. I swear I'm not usually so stubborn - this has really taken a toll on my mind. Slowly but surely this will get into my head.

May I ask - did this happen to you personally, in that you reached out after a period of NC? I've read some of your older and more recent posts but couldn't really determine if you had reinitiated contact or if your partner had. I'm just curious how you knew you were ready.
I hope I'll just get to a point eventually where I know one way or another, and have less of this anxiety and uncertainty.

Yes, I reached out to her after something like a month or six weeks of no contact. I knew that I was ready because I wasn't afraid to lose her at that point. I knew that if she was mean or hateful, I could just walk away. I also knew that I wouldn't instantly get sucked back in because of how I felt for/about her. It was after I learned to (mostly) control my emotions in regards to her that I allowed myself to reach out.

I read so many posts on here about people being worried that their former significant other will move on during the period of NC. Mine did! She assumed that when I was silent that I was out of her life for good and got into a relationship with someone else. Her love for me is real though and she and I have been able to become friends and actually talk to one another these days. Sure, we have our moments when things get hairy, but they aren't nearly as severe (well, there was that one, but I try not to think about it). We still talk. In fact, I am taking her out tonight.

Will we ever become a couple again? Who knows! If that is going to happen, that's in the future. Today is today and this is where I'm at. I get to spend time with the woman who I love and who is now becoming a friend to me once again.

Had I not stepped back and taken the time to focus on me and what I did, I'd still be doing those things daily. I'd be hurt, wrapped up in my own emotions, mourning what could have been, asking the "what if's" and "why's."

I also read many posts on here where people write, "I would do anything to get her/him back!" She and our relationship were/are important enough to me that I was/am willing to do the work to give us the best shot. Saying the words is easy. Living the words is hard, it hurts, it's stressful, and will try every ounce of patience that you can muster. It is worth it though because I am not the same person that I was so many months ago. Every relationship that I have has improved as a result. So have my self-concepts.

Hey, JJacks0,

I'm sorry to hear you struggling, but way to go for laying it out here.  I hope it's some small relief.

I am currently holding on reaching out to my guy for different reasons, and gaining in non-attachment (the whole learning not to sweat outcomes thing), which I've been told is key.

I've found reading around on this forum, and reaching out to others here, helpful.  And I'll also write in a notebook as if I were writing to my guy.  This plus doing things for myself and other loved ones helps me along.  And I think I'll know when the time is right to reach out, from a space of calm.

I hope this helps a bit for your situation.  I tend to think contact from a position of centeredness, is the best idea.  Meili's details on that one have been helpful for me today on that score, too, so your questions have helped me, too.  :) 

lar, laris

I agree, wholeheartedly, with lar, laris on the issue of non-attachment. When I first got here I had not heard that term before, so I used detaching. It annoyed more than one member on these boards that I was posting in the "detaching" section when it was clear that I was not letting go of the relationship. But, I had to learn to detach my emotions from the outcome, and if I understand lar, laris correctly, that's what non-attachment is.

So, I learned to detach with love, empathy, and compassion. I was not seeking indifference, which is total detachment; but rather how to not allow the outcome to consume me and destroy me if it went/goes poorly. At the end of the day, I'd still be a strong, confident, self-assured person with a life.

I like that concept a lot. I started out in the detachment board earlier this month and realized that I wasn't ready to completely detach. That's when I made my way over to this board.

Do you have any other tips to help with the non-attachment process?
I'm finding it difficult to figure out how to detach my emotions from the outcome without detaching completely.

I used to write as if I were talking to my ex as you mentioned, lar laris. But that made me feel a little too connected to her still (probably just the frequency with which I was doing it & the amount of emotion I was pouring into these undelivered letters). I used to write "to her" every day, but after the most recent discard I stopped doing it nearly altogether with the exception of 1-2 times when I really had a lot on my mind.

I'm also trying to stay as occupied as I can with friends/family, but of course I still think of her and wish she were with me. So clearly I am not at this place of centeredness yet. I need to figure out how to get to that point where a negative outcome would not destroy me.

Hi, JJacks0,

Sorry for my delay in responding.

I don't think non-attachment means that you cut the other person off, or have determined absolutely that you are ready/going to move on without this person. 

It rather means that you are not emotionally or otherwise dependent on their responses, or tied to a given outcome to such an extent that it cripples you or takes you over.  Paradoxically or counterintuitively, what helps with this, for me, is not "working on" or chewing over my situation with my pwBPD, but getting on with other things.  I maintain a "schedule" so that I don't deviate, or sit around thinking about/worrying over, him. 

At the same time, I give myself (limited!) time to ponder him, what he might do, etc., and to jot notes of things I might say to him.  What has been interesting has been how those things have changed in the weeks since we last had contact.  AND how much less time I spend thinking about him in a worried way, and being anxious about what will happen in the future.

I make a sort of "ceremony" around the time I give to my LO.  I get out the notebook, or light a candle and open up 15 minutes.  At the end, I put the notebook away, or blow out the candle.  It is very special, and is helping me move forward (not "on;" I am not ready to cut him off, and am pretty sure he will be in my future.  Although I could be wrong: not tied to outcomes, today!).

I hope this is helpful JJacks.

Peace,

lar, laris

Thanks lar, laris.

I like that idea of setting aside time for it, because it can quickly consume me. I'm starting school again soon (I have been in and out of college for what feels like forever) and I'm really worried about my ability to focus. I have a really difficult time when my mind is so overwhelmed with other things.

Do you think it's foolish of me to stay in this place mentally when she claims to be moving on without me? I feel kind of stupid still thinking about a possible future with her at all, knowing that she isn't thinking the same thing. With that knowledge I feel like I should be focused on detaching, but I'm just not ready to. I always cling to this slight hope that something could change.

It's been about a month now, and I'd be lying if I said I felt any more accomplished in non-attachment. Her reaction to me would still have an enormous effect on me.

Jacks,

So, the question becomes why would her reaction have an enormous effect on you? What is keeping you stuck?

It's like I'm idealizing her. I keep trying to remind myself of the bad times, all the misdirected anger and mountains of issues we've dealt with... .but now that I've looked at my role in the r/s from a different perspective, I feel accountable for a pretty decent amount of that. I did try my hardest at times, but I wasn't always consistent. I did burn out.

So it's hard to think about the bad times without feeling a bit of guilt for reacting inappropriately and making things worse. As recently as 2 months ago I was invalidating her on the phone and engaging in arguments. I really just didn't have a clue what I was doing and how much worse I was making it.

That's what's keeping me stuck I think - idealization and guilt. If I felt she wasn't worth it, it would obviously be easier. But in this time apart I've formed a different perspective and I've come to view her as more good than bad, and I'm upset with myself for letting something so good get away.
And if she had walked away from me without a second thought it would also be easier. But she didn't, she initially wanted to make it work and I was the one who was hesitant and hung up on things.

Now that I have her idealized in my mind, I know I'd be devastated if when I did talk to her again it didn't go well.

Having the urge to blame yourself for the problems is natural. I did it. I've watched many others on here do it too. The reality is that you're only 100% responsible for your 50%. The rest is on her and is her responsibility. Don't forget that; especially as you idealize her.

So, ultimately, your fear is that if things didn't go well, you'd be devastated?

Yes, I think the more time goes on without talking, the more I hope that something will be different if/when we do talk again. I can try to make sure it would be different on my end, but I obviously can't control hers. And the last time we spoke after a brief period of NC it did not go how I had hoped - nothing had changed on her end.

If that were to happen again I'd not only feel another rejection, but like I were starting all over again from scratch. I was proud of myself for making it 1 month, but it wouldn't seem like as much of an accomplishment to me if nothing good comes from it. I think I'll wish I had waited longer.

It is probably best if you let go of the idea of anything changing on her end.

Well then maybe there's no point in ever breaking NC, or even thinking about this at all anymore.

Well here we are, 10 days later... .really thinking about calling her again...

Sorry for the late reply to this, I just saw it.

Did you break NC? If so, how did it go?

What I meant by giving up on the idea of her ever changing was about your accepting her for who she is and all that comes with that.

I do agree with you though that you can control what happens on your end and thus changing the dynamic.

No problem, I appreciate you replying whenever you can.

I did not break NC. That's not to say I never will of course - I have considered how I might approach it if I did... .but it may still be too soon. I really don't think she wants to talk to me, so I have convinced myself to wait it out a little longer. I try to take it a day at a time. Although it may be unlikely, I keep hoping that she will contact me if she ever desires to. I would feel better about that since she was the one who initiated NC in the first place.

I understand what you meant now about accepting her for who she is. You're definitely right. I'm really trying to work on my end. I wrote an email to her (just a draft, I won't send it), accepting equal responsibility for things that happened in our r/s. It's amazing how my perspective has changed once I was outside of that environment and out of contact with her for a while. When I was so consumed by it, I was too busy defending myself and getting upset (basically doing all the wrong things) to really understand her feelings, my role, and what I could do to make it better. I have confidence that my reactions to her would improve if we ever spoke again. I think I've learned a lot in terms of how to handle things now. Unfortunately, she does not seem to be interested in pursuing any sort of r/s with me anymore, so that may be something that I never find out.

I think that if I do break NC at some point I will go one of two ways - I'd be interested in opinions/suggestions and of course I wouldn't do it unless I felt it was an okay time to.

A) I've thought about the email that I saved a draft of - taking ownership for my wrongs in the r/s, showing a change of mindset, etc. Seems like it could be a little heavy though so I'm leaning against that. I did think that it might be validating, however, and something positive that could demonstrate what I've learned. 

B) We attend the same University and are both taking classes this semester (I assume). I also live pretty close to campus. I thought about a friendly "how are you, hope your classes are going well" text, and pending the response, letting her know that I'd be up for coffee or something if she'd ever like to get together after class. But would that be overwhelming? I've never scrutinized my choice of words so much (likely part of the problem). And this approach doesn't necessarily prove any change on my part, so I'm not sure if her incentive to meet would be there. She's not interested in reconciling as a couple at this point anyways, but even as a friend, I'm not sure she'd like to get together if she can't anticipate validation/good vibes from me. At this point I think I still remind her of the "bad things" she's done.

Of course I may do something else altogether or neither - maybe I'll find that it's best to stay NC for the long haul... .but if I do I'd like to be prepared. I know I can't control how it will go, but I do think under the right circumstances, my approach could potentially effect the outcome to a certain degree.

I vote for B.

First, it keeps you a bit safer. Secondly, it keeps her a bit safer. It doesn't put any pressure on either of you. If the initial contact goes well, then you can gauge the situation and know when it is a good time to apologize to her for your fault in things.

I agree with Meili, If you are going to break NC, I'd choose B. It is the safer approach, you aren't putting all your eggs in one basket. If she is up to meeting, great. If not, then you know where she stands, but at least you didn't completely put yourself out there/make yourself vulnerable.

If she agrees to meet, then I would show her how much you've improved little by little, don't just throw up all over her.

If I can be honest, I wouldn't break NC just yet if I were you. Judging from your posts, I don't think your ready or have made enough improvement. You still seem to be too focused on her. You need to focus on yourself more and really work on becoming emotionally strong and self confident.


-Method

Thank you both for the advice. I was leaning toward B as well.

Method, I think you're right too - I'm pretty engrossed with her still. I want to make sure that I don't contact her prematurely. But how will I know when I've made enough improvement? Meili had mentioned that it should be at a point when I know I'll be fine no matter what her reaction to me is. Is that what you mean also?

I agree with these concepts, but it's difficult putting them into practice. By that I mean, yes, I definitely do need to become emotionally strong and self confident - but what steps can I actually take to make that happen? It's something that I know I need to do, but I'm not sure how to get there.

I agree, it is very difficult to get the ball rolling.

Find things to do that you genuinely like to do. Things that, while you are doing them, you don't think about anything else than what you are doing. For me it has been coaching youth sports and the gym. Hanging out with friends has also helped me. But I also have other things I want to get back to that I pushed to the side/sacrificed for my family, and her.

It starts with you making a decision. Do you want to sulk, be a victim, weak etc. Remember she see's you as this, and If you ever want to even have a chance, that has to change. Now, that is a dangerous statement I just made, because if you do it for that slight chance, do it for her, it wont last. The minute that slight chance is gone, so will all of the work you have done. You have to find a way to muster up the energy, commitment to do it for yourself.

It is a win win for you. If you do it, then maybe you get back together and if you don't get back together, then you'll be better equipped for life and for any future r/s.

-Method

That's true.
 I certainly don't won't to come off weak and desperate. One of the last things my ex told me (hours before discarding me) was that the only thing she could think of that she really didn't like was that I'm not confident enough... .but that she wanted to help me with that. It surprised me, I hadn't ever really heard her say that before.

Sometimes I worry that if she thinks I'm totally moving on, she'll just see that as more reason to move on herself. We have no real contact but I'm willing to bet she still sees my social media occasionally.

Well so far I'm enrolled in full time classes again, working, seeing friends/family,  trying new activities, writing/reading these boards, and I'm trying to make an appointment to see my therapist at school again next week.

Do you think I'll just know when I'm ready?

You'll know that you're ready when you know that you'll be completely ok no matter the outcome.