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Towards the end of our relationship I’d driven to his house looking forward to seeing him, but at the same time very wary. Was his mood going to be good or bad?

It had got to the point that I wouldn’t accept a glass of wine until I knew that he was stable. Just in case I'd needed to drive home. I’d tried to set a boundary. If he started raging at me then I would leave. It became a bit of a joke between us as he handed me a glass of water.

Before I'd set off everything seemed fine. He was happy. Looking forward to seeing me. Only, soon after I got there he became agitated. Sometimes one look at me seemed to set him off. Like something horrible had walked into the room.

He decided to tell me that I looked like a ‘slut’ in my new shirt. Charming, but this  night I didn’t take the bait, just waited, quietly knowing that I didn’t look like a slut and in fact, felt I looked pretty good.

So I sat there nursing my water waiting to see if things would escalate and if so, I was leaving. However, this was as bad as it got and he stopped for some unknown reason, apologised and said that he hadn't meant it. I didn't look like a slut. We went on to have a few good hours together.  

I wanted to write this because it struck me (with my new found knowledge about BPD) that at that point, when he called me a nasty name, my own sense of self was stronger than his.

Now I need to work on this and really get me back.

Good for you for recognizing that. However I'm going to point out that behavior is emotional abuse. I went through it, I'm going through it, and I will heal once I'm free of it.

I wish to God someone would have given me the books by lindy Bancroft on abuse. Emotional, verbal, physical or what have you. I could have recognized it before I got to this place.

Am I stronger now knowing my BPD/NPD husband is also an abuser. Yes. But for such a long period of time the small hits on my self esteem, I didn't fully grasp were happening. In the books they compare it to a frog in boiling water. If you turn the heat up to high it jumps out of the pot. But if you slowly increase the heat it stays. And it eventually dies from being boiled.

Being in an abusive relationship with someone who is disordered is a poison and a slow death. I joined a recovering from domestic abuse class. It has helped me identify yes maybe we can all work on self worth and self improvements, but abuse, is abuse, is abuse.

Don't let them blame you or start self blaming. Getting out of the self blame and resentment is the worse. You hear their words their undercuts and even though you know it's wrong part of you having loved that person, and that person who claims to love you, makes you question was it me? Is it me! But no. It's the abusers, or disordered individual.

As I searched for answers worse part is, couples therapy makes it worse, Individual therapy for them makes it worse as their lies are validated, DBT helped the for the time of the program, after went back to being bad, abuse therapy are the only ones to help, because they know the manipulation, but even that is not a guarantee... .At the end of the books it says rarely do the abusers change, even after at least 2 years of intensive therapy.

That is why I'm leaving. This is no life.