BPDFamily.com

After my first post with regards to my BPD ex he surprisingly contacted me after exactly  4 weeks of nothing.  The last contact was him begging for 4 days for us to start again, tons of missed calls and then he showed up at my house in the end. I agreed to meet anothet day as my son was at home.  he begged pleaded and cried saying his behaviour the past year has been disgusting and that he is ashamed of himself and hell prove this and that to me... .i fell for it called around the next day for 2 hours and when got home he called to say it felt different... .I i couldnt handle the games starting again so i just hung up. And now 4 weeks later after my birthday has been and gone and he decides to tell me he just wanted to wish me and  my son wer well.

i didn't reply and he started getting annoyed... .its now 2 days later i have recieved  48 messages and 2 missed calls... .he sent a picture of a photo album i made of us and asked "will i bin this then?"  then said hed seen me on a dating site ( im only on to try get him out of my head and its only made me feel worse)  i have no idea y he is on other than to replace me when 4 weeks ago i was his whole world.  He then took to say my picture wasn't the best and the dress im wearing on what's app wasnt nice on me and a this... .proceeded to tell me about his past 4 weeks and then left it with Well, knackered now. Doubt very much you'll ever hear from me again, if you don't contact me, so all the very best of luck to you and * xxx         

Like what the heck? wat does he expect hes had me up and down and ___ed about all this time and still expects me to reply on tap.  Its the first i have ever stood my ground.  he was saying  i know u want to say something even tell me to just ___ off. Someone please tell me reasoning behind this ___. Its just mental

hes looking for a reaction. dont give it. he may try harder, or not.

I agree with once removed.

Yes you can not reply him when it's not convenient for you. Yes you can have other important things in your life, and yes that's okay.  :)  Well done standing up for your own decision. I think by now you will know that if you do something the other person doesn't like, that person may do things to incite a big reaction from you. Some people are just like that, though it may not make sense to you.

One time my ex thought I did something. I didn't do it. Yet despite me mountaining up "heaps of proof" (ineffective decision), she kept trying to "force" what she was feeling into "facts" in the world. If your pwBPD ex does this, try not to let it rile you up.

Thanks  for your replies.  Even though he said  i would never hear from him again  he sent a voice note at 8pm this evening  asking did i have a pair of his shoes in my house... .hes meticulous and knows theres nothing of his at my place.  i replied "no"  he asked could i talk and i z no i was with family... .he z ok apologise and left it at that.  My friend just told me shes seen him on the dating website  ... .i dunno y hes so bothered with getting in contact with me when this is the case. I was nothing but good ti him so i dunno wat it is he is looking for on that. 

It's not easy to figure out why our exes look for new relationships then still want to get in touch. Often we are very good to them, so this makes what they do more puzzling.

H Laoishe

There are variety of ways to explain his behaviour. I'd be inclined to think that he's feeling alone and vulnerable - pretty overwhelming if you're suffering from BPD - and he's reaching out to you as a way to try and soothe himself.

It might seem a bit brutal and bruising to your ego - if it's any consolation a lot of us have gone through similar experiences - but I think it's all about him. Do you think there's any indication that his behaviour or the dynamics of your relationship will change and become healthier?

Perhaps the important question is how you choose to respond. I can appreciate you feel conflicted but telling him that you can't talk because you're with family is leaving the door open. Does that mean you are willing to talk to him and reconnect?

He may be willing to recycle but what will that mean for you? What do you want to happen?

Reforming

Do you think there's any indication that his behaviour or the dynamics of your relationship will change and become healthier?
  Thabkd Reforming for your reply... .healthy isn't a word  id use to describe the relationship from day one but i was simply hooked on the make up days where hed promise me the world spontaneously book somewhere for us to go or do and the promises for our future he'd make.  All that a side the rest was waiting on the next time hed flip ir use weird ways to get space from us keeping in mind i didnt once suggest in 10 months when we would meet so he was escaping his own decisions to see me. 


He may be willing to recycle but what will that mean for you? What do you want to happen?

In regards to this comment  I dunno if hes wanting ti recycle.  Y would he be on a dating site if this was the case :/  you are so right in saying its about him... the only reason y i replied is im at a stage where im really angry... .hes so cocky and overly unjustifiabley confident and i have a massive message prepared to tell him how i really feel he is and was with me. Things i have never said as he believes im too nice.  I dunno whether to.lower myself and send it or send it letting it be a line in the sand... .what do you think? I know there would be no comin bk from the things i said. I haven't hesrd a thing  since he aplogised for me being with my family.  Maybe hes got his fix... .

Reforming


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And there's the change.  Think attachments with borderlines, and you standing your ground means you're abandoning him, severing the attachment, the worst thing that could happen, regardless of the reality of the relationship, so that sends a borderline into a tizzy called an extinction burst, where he's flailing against the threat of abandonment, trying to prevent it from happening, which is where the 48 messages and 2 calls came from.


And if you do that you would indicate an emotional attachment is still in place, which is what he wants, what he wants to feel.


Yes it is, it's mental illness.  So what's the plan laoishe?  What do you want to happen?

@fromhealtohea

I just want to feel normal again and for him to see how he is and has made me feel.

Hi laoishe-


Feeling normal again is absolutely possible, by grieving, processing and working through the process of detachment.

You don't have any control over how he sees himself or how he interprets how he made you feel, although I get your desire, most of us have wanted that.  What you do have control over is what you make it mean and how much you let it matter, things you will develop as you detach and heal.

Keep posting and reading, it will get better, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

keep posting and reading, it will get better, one day at a time.  Take care of you!
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Thank you very much... .you guys have been helping me more than you know

**update**  So after the large amount of messages last week my ex turned up at mu door on Friday night but i wasnt in. He text to tell me he had called. He then called Saturday night and i asked y he was calling. He said he wanted to talk about how ridiculous his behaviour has been and that he know he haa issues and that therapy is helping him a lot the past lot of weeks.  Anyway he asked could we start over and draw a line under everything.  Said he loves me and has missed me every day. We talked and call me stupid but I said we maybe could try start as if it's day one. He seemed delighted then wen he got home i sensed a difference. he z how it was going to be hard but if we both wanted it enough we could try things but. He then admitted he is not inlove with me atm but does love me and hes putting it down to not seeing each other for more than 2 hours the past 8 weeks. I felt sick to my stomach because the guy that he showed in my house seemed to go cold on me. I said i lookee forward to seeing him on Friday and i got the reply "you do that, have a good day :)" i was going out with my sister so i dont know if that was genuine or whether hes being cold agsin.  Why turn up to my door if hes saying one minute he wants to make me happy but the next hes claiming hes not in love but thinks its time apart has done that.  Where do i go from here? i love the guy immensely... i just want him to mean what he says but the anxiety im feeling as to whether he us gonna take the matt from under me again is eating me up inside.  Help please. 

You make a decision and stick to it, no matter what.  A borderline feeling abandoned will idealize, be who he needs to be to attach, to pull you back, and that will only happen if you let it.

So consider the entire relationship, the good and the bad: do you want to be in that relationship?

An also:

Do you trust him?
Does he treat you with respect?
Does he meet your emotional needs sustainably?
Is a stable long-term relationship possible with him?

If you were to answer those questions honestly and then make a decision as to whether you want to be with him or not, what would the answer be?  And we will support you in that decision, whatever it may be.

Trust as in loyalty yes
Trust that he'll not hurt me again no.
I told him its all confusing and he said hes never went out of his way to hurt me and that its all unconscious decisions that take over him to create "chaos" even though he knows himself that its wrong.  He said he kniws his flaws and is working on them. My problem is now he has me in a place he wants me is it gonna revert back to how it was. We both agreed that it would be a fresh start but can we really get over the scars that the last 10 months have brought? I have no idea if it could be long term as we seemed to have lost a lot of us.  Hw agrees and i dont think he likes the idea of a new us even though he suggested it. We have barely messaged today... .hes never told me to "have a good day" hes usually asking y i haven't replied. im wondering do i see that as a healthy change or is it him changing his mind and reevaluate what we had spoke of the night b4. Its meant to be our year anniverzay in 3 weeks and we have flights booke. He stated we aren't going anymore or anywhere and im not sure y he said that but im guessing he doesnt want things to maybe pick up from where we left off. Oh i duno its hard not to doubt him and every word he says.  I cant count on botg hands how many "crisis" talks we have had now and how things will get "better"  y chase someone you arent in love with. I admit it feels different for me too but can we rekindle our love?  He said he can't handle feeling loved as he never had it growing up. He is battling a lot but i told him im not and can't be his emotional punch bag. 

That's good self-awareness for a borderline, and good honesty, although you'll need to decide if he's telling his truth or telling you what you want to hear.


Think attachments with borderlines.  You had an emotional attachment, that ended, he's feeling abandoned, so he'll try and pull you back, using all of the idealization skills he has.  Although you've already broken up at least once, so his trust is lower and his fear of abandonment higher, and so is yours.  Most folks here, myself included, report that if you do get back together, the shift from idealization to devaluation will happen more quickly, and you'll be back to the same relationship or worse in a short time.  Of course that might not be the case if he does decide to address and work on the disorder, and everyone's different, and folks might have gotten back together and everything's working well, so they aren't hanging around here anymore.  In any case, consider the fact that he may be kissing up to you now because he's feeling abandoned, which really has nothing to do with you beyond you're the current attachment.

Liberally just received this... .why am i even surprised.  Right back down with a bang. 

I'm really sorry, but I can't do this. I'm not in the right frame of mind for the seriousness this entails. I love you so much and I've loved everything we've done together but I'm not in love with you and it's because I can't love myself. I need to sort myself out mentally, I'm really sorry for contacting you, coming on Saturday and once again letting you down. I understand that you will be really hurt over this but I want you to know that it wasn't my intention. You deserve to be with someone who is much more together than I am, who can give you the attention and care that you so truely deserve and I am extemely sorry that I can do that for you.

Well, that's pretty straightforward laoishe: he doesn't want a relationship with you, and he apologized.  What if you were to take that at face value?  What if you were to take that as definitive and make a decision to let go and detach?  A trait of the disorder is a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships and seems you're experiencing that right now, and he will probably show up again or bombard your phone with messages, and how much that affects you and what you do about it is what you can control.  I know you love him, and you're also clear on what loving him costs you in terms of your own serenity, so there's a choice to be made because it's not likely he will change.  Are you ready to make that choice?

Yea its time for me to move on now. I felt ill yesterday at the thought of giving him another chance to end uo back here so i guess our gut is always right.  I didn't reply as it would have been vile and would mean me lowering myself so i just didn't bother. Hes just on a trail of mass destruction and i guess he'll never change. 

I'm sorry laoishe, the shift from holding out hope and wanting it to work to letting it go and moving on is a big one, with lots of emotion.  The good news is, as you detach, you'll discover a lot about him, you, and the relationship, and as you grieve, heal and grow, you'll come out the other end stronger and wiser.  But for now, one day at a time.  Take care of you!

Yes, moving forward might be a good choice laoishe31. When we see another recycle, it's quite a normal reaction to have some feelings of nausea. I can see how responding to it could send messages that you don't want to send. Often, the pwBPD doesn't change for the foreseeable future. I support your decision.   :)

The final chapter... .  Found out on Thursday that he has been seeing someome alongside me for God knows how long. Ive hit an ultimate low. I guess that explains why i was constantly questioned about cheating, bedclothes and marks on my body.  Only thing i wish is that I had never ever met him. 

Hi Laoishe,

I'm really sorry that you're feeling so low. Discovering that you're someone you loved could betray you in this way is devastating.

I know how tough it is to process this but ultimately infidelity is about the who cheats.

His choices and actions show you who your ex really is.

Do you have anyone that you talk to about it?

We're here for you

Reforming