BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone.
I've been in a relationship with someone with undiagnosed BPD for 18 months now and I'm at breaking point.
He also abuses cocaine which makes everything so much more complicated.
I thought I'd finally got him to accept he had an addiction and to start combating it but alas he didn't follow through.  
He's now telling me he 'doesn't think he loves me as much' and needs time to decide what he wants to do. We have a house together so it's a complicated situation. I love and adore this man but cannot keep being beaten down by his constant emotional abuse. I see it as a victory when we have a month without one of his 'episodes'.
Is it possible to help someone who won't accept they have a problem?
I'm at a loss for what to do.
He's pushing me away because he's scared. Telling me he'll hurt me and I deserve better but never actually putting an end to the relationship.
In previous episodes he'sthreatened suicide, then when I have reassured him he cries and tells me how much he loves me and he's sorry and he's a horrible person and he hates himself.
I know there are no answers. I just feel so lost. I'm trying not to keep up the role of rescuer as it clearly doesn't work but I don't know where to turn next. I hope someone can offer some wisdom. Xx

Welcome to the family! That sounds like a lot to deal with, but you're in the right place.

I can tell you care a lot about him and want to help him. Unfortunately, I think you already know the answer to your question of whether it's possible to help someone who won't accept they have a problem. They have to accept it, and not just occasionally when they're upset, but consistently.

Do you rent or own the house together? Is he still living there while he takes "time to decide what to do," or has he moved out?

Even for those of us whose partners aren't addicted to drugs/alcohol, a lot of the principles are the same. You might have noticed there are a lot of articles and threads with helpful information. I'd suggest starting with some reading about codependency and how to protect yourself by stepping out of the rescuer role. Here is a good start: Codependency and Codependent Relationships (https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships)

You might also be able to get some in-person support from something like Codependents Anonymous (assuming you're in the UK, www.coda-uk.org/).

None of this will help you decide what to do about your relationship, but it'll help you start to get yourself and your own life back. That usually makes it easier to see what you need to do next.

Hang in there! Please keep posting and telling us more as you feel comfortable. We're here to help, with everything from minor daily arguments to big ongoing problems.

Often only a crisis will get people off drugs or alcohol. It sounds like he is testing you to see if you will flee, even if he is only doing it subconsciously.  When instead you validate him then it is crisis averted. A perverse way of calling your bluff.

Until you are ready to leave if he doesn't change, then he wont change. Until you are ready to leave if he doesn't change you are not making a choice, but rather hanging in by default. It is far easier to accept things if it is your clear and conscious choice, living by default greatly increases your feeling of being trapped.

It is often said that we struggle to make real improvements until we have drawn a line where we are willing to leave if we have to. It defines our values and our own self worth. That gives us strength, and it shows. pwBPD respect strength more than indecision

Thank you both so much for taking the time to reply.

Unfortunately I don't think I have any option but to walk away.

His previous treats of suicide terrify me but I can't stay with him because of that fear. I have tried over and over and there's only so much I can do.

We bought the house so it will be a long drawn out process unfortunately. We also have a wonderful holiday booked for next month but he's come home from work today (late) and just ignored me again and gone to sleep in the spare room again. I can't keep living in fear.

I think the man I feel in love with doesn't exist. There aren't even good bits to outweigh the bad. He just treats me like dirt. I let him because I think it's not his fault it's the disorder and the drugs but maybe it's just who he is.

I need to be brave I think and cut the cord.

He's terrified I'll tell his parents and or friends. I don't know if that would be helpful or not at this point. Any opinions? I don't want to scare or worry his parents as they are lovely people. But I know he had a similar break up with his last girlfriend and I fear he will repeat the cycle. When I said I wanted to tell them he just said you dare then you'll see what happens. An open threat - does he mean to me or to himself? I don't think even he knows.

Again, happy to hear any thoughts or advice. X

Hi BreakingpointUK,

demand respect (boundaries) and treat him with respect. Involving his parents in general is temping but not a good idea (triangulation). Don't threaten leaving - it will only make matters worse. Think it through, plan and keep safety in mind: Check out the material here (https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm). You may also want to take a look at the Detaching Board LESSONS (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0).

Having a common house makes it certainly difficult. You wrote you are struggling with fear. These though situations are better handled when you have your back free and an emergency alternative for one or a few nights lined up.

Hang in there