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Title: Dissolution in Progress Post by: Dobzhansky on August 22, 2016, 01:50:18 PM Attempting a dissolution of the marriage. I have not seen her for more than a few days at a time (about a week and a half total) over the past two years since she left to another state.
Dissolution was decided upon as a way to simplify things between us and allow us to rebuild anew. If its meant to be, it will happen (I guess). I sound so ambivalent as I am unsure _how_ I feel about it all. We have been apart for so long, and the idea of seeing her in person makes me anxious. Anxious for fear my emotional stability will be damaged, and fear of what she will say/do once she dysregulates. My two girls report being concerned for the same reasons I am. They have been in favor of the dissolution for some time as afterwards things will be more settled in their minds and hearts. I am _sad_for the official end of the relationship because it was what I "did" - I considered it to be my primary purpose for living. My wife would often praise me for being good at my job, and that's great... .but it never really mattered because I was far more concerned about my quality as a husband and father. I am deeply frightened at the prospect of moving forward alone. I was together with her for 30 years. I wouldn't know what else to do. I have been reassuring my kids that I am not going to go anywhere. I am making myself available to help (in some way) ease the transition - but not enable - to adulthood. They are 23, 20 and 18. Does fear being my primary emotion indicate I have detached completely or am at least on the way? Thanks... . Title: Re: Dissolution in Progress Post by: fromheeltoheal on August 22, 2016, 08:26:35 PM We have been apart for so long, and the idea of seeing her in person makes me anxious. Anxious for fear my emotional stability will be damaged, and fear of what she will say/do once she dysregulates. Does fear being my primary emotion indicate I have detached completely or am at least on the way? It's normal to be anxious towards seeing someone you were with for 30 years and haven't seen in a while. And the message of fear is "be prepared"; there are many folks here who have seen their exes after a while and it's dysregulated them emotionally, including me, and that's not the issue specifically, it's how fast you get back to emotional stability after you leave, a measure of how well your detachment is working. And going into it, what can you do to prepare yourself for whatever it is that might happen? Once you've done everything you can, then time to realize courage is not the absence of fear but action in the face of fear, you're prepared, time to show up and see what you can learn yes? Excerpt I am _sad_for the official end of the relationship because it was what I "did" - I considered it to be my primary purpose for living. I am deeply frightened at the prospect of moving forward alone. I was together with her for 30 years. I wouldn't know what else to do. Yes, your identities of husband and father were a large part of who you were, and you will always be a father, but not in the same capacity since your children are adults, and the loss of those identities needs to be grieved, if you haven't already. And now, who do you want to be? Changes are either losses or they're opportunities, and there's an opportunity to reinvent yourself in any way you want now, so what does your bright future look like? What compelling vision for a life you want to live can you create, and make it so big and bright that it pulls you towards it? That will have the added benefit of shifting the focus from the past to the future, and what else is there but moving forward? |