BPDFamily.com

I'm posting lots after Fridays bizarre episode at my npd/BPD ex wife's place. It made me think a lot about emotional detachment/attachment,  boundries, and pain. It opened up a whole new level of thinking, maybe it's coming to fast and overwhelming me.

 So many times I've tried to solve our issues through counselling,  she was dead against it, I tried being diplomatic and compramising, she wouldn't hear of it. She wanted resolution through conflict, keeping conflict alive. She used threats of violence on me many times, she got pleasure out of seeing me scared. I fell to pieces mentally, I use to sit in my house with all the lights turned off bc she said people. Would land at my door any time to beat me up and I would never know when. I could never understand using threats to solve issues. Now after Friday,  seeing the control she has over her bf to get him in a state of mind to give me the finger and shake his fist at me, it struck me, it's  cycle for her, she will try violence again to try and crush me.

 On Friday she had a sadistic smile on her face, like she enjoyed what she was doing and the way she was acting around her bf was disturbing. He was like her knight in shining armour, protecting her from nothing. She had him under full control. He raced past me on the road like a man on a mission, flew up her driveway and was in full protection mode, like I was there to clean house. She felt protected. She would fill my head with things people did and I would look into it before reacting. That would drive her crazy but she was always causing conflict for no need and than tell me I didn't know how to protect her. There was always something. In her mind he was protecting her on Friday got emotions running high for her own sick needs. She tried to create conflict between my family and I,  she created conflict between her family and mine and now she's creating conflict between her bf and I.  Having that much control over her bf is, in my mind not respecting his boundries.

I'm sorry bus boy, that mental state you got in must have been terrible, and I'm sorry you went through that, but you did, and you are, going through it.

Some borderlines use control to control the emotional distance in a relationship: trash someone's self-esteem and have them scared, they won't leave, which handles the fear of abandonment, control how close they can get emotionally, handle the fear of engulfment.  And that's not necessarily malicious, it may be just something a borderline has discovered that works, to handle those ever-present fears.


Which started with him not respecting and enforcing his own boundaries.  We can't expect someone to respect us if we don't respect ourselves.  Sure, many of us got blindsided by mental illness, it felt like a dream come true, everything was awesome, until it wasn't.  And we didn't know our partner was battling the constant fears of abandonment and engulfment, we didn't know the whole dream-come-true idealization stage was about attachment for a borderline, so we were kind of learning on the fly there, but after a while, after someone is being regularly disrespectful, abusive and controlling, when is it we say ENOUGH!  This boyfriend sounds like he's getting a sense of identity as her 'protector' for now, but if he's constantly called to protect her from an illusion, how long will he put up with that?

And a very fulfilling thing, if you're so inclined, is to emotionally detach from someone to a point that when they try their old stuff expecting a reaction, and expecting to smirk or whatever, and it doesn't work?  It doesn't faze you?  Oh the expression on their face when that happens is priceless.  And then who's smirking.  Just sayin'... .

She was like an insane woman the way she looked, fluttering around her BF. Very childish on the both of them. Maybe he's mental age and her mental age are the same. For a woman who is so together in many ways, she acts like a 5 year old. Maybe violence is normal to her. Maybe if he gave her a shove she would be ok with it. She told me before that my sister would deserve to be beat by her husband. I never heard a woman say anything like that. The help I get on here gives me strength. I had lots to process the past few days and had to keep posting and sorting in my brain. I have a few more layers of pain to sort through and questions to ask. I'll keep reading and posting. Thank you.