BPDFamily.com

Failed. Again. Nothing but loneliness before me. So tired of me. So tired of plunging from imagined strength to certain weakness. So tired of the drama of me. So tired of giving all of me. So so tired of the taste of salt.

  

Sadly

Hang in there, Sadly

Reach out to anyone, everyone, never give up

This is tough, we can make it

Cry out to God, find a pastor, church, group, any where healthy people are, you can find help.

You are not alone, these relationships are pure he##, you can get well and have a life.

Keep walking forward, hell is very shallow and once you find your way out, only then will you know how to get out if you find yourself there once again.

Keep moving forward... .

I'm sorry Sadly.    I can relate vey much to your feelings.

Keep talking to us, we're listening and we care.

heartandwhole

Sadly, we're here for you. We care.

Sadly, sounds like you were re-engaged with the man you post about? I'm so sorry it's hurting so much now.

I hope it's helpful to say that it seems every time you re-engage with him and then it unravels, you sound more depleted. I can relate--I've been a serial re-engager :/. This is a guess only, but do you feel you are going back because you are in so much pain and are looking to the person who inflicted it to "unhurt" you, restore good feelings about yourself by valuing you, making the story turn out differently and have a happy ending?

I've done that. I'll say I've had better experiences re-engaging my ex (not that that is going well--it's not!) the more I've NOT been looking to him to heal my trauma which arose from him and from others prior. He's too messed up to heal me. Our relationship is hard enough to navigate without me looking to him to remedy the injuries he and others did.

A while back (12-18 months?) you were posting about how he said things that sounded like he wanted to end the r/ship, then sounded ambivalent, but you recognized this only occurred when you yourself had resolved to leave, and you were still going to leave--not just leave, move away, start afresh.

I recall admiring your strength and knowing I needed to emulate it. That was not so long ago but you sound very different. I can only guess that the continued engagement with him since has drained your sense of self worth to a dangerously low level.

Can you set the whole question of him aside for a while (long while probably) and take seriously that you have traumatic wounds and nothing including him is going to be set up to go well into you've been able to heal from those injuries?

I do somatic (body-based) trauma therapy. Amazingly effective (so effective I fight it sometimes because I know if I truly heal I probably won't want this guy anymore, or if I did, his importance would be lessened and the passionate need reduced to a warm preference or affection). In any event, you may find another healing path; but I urge you to find your posts from back then, read the voice of that strong resolved insightful woman, and register that whatever will heal you, he won't. Not saying you have to be done with him forever, just that whatever happens with him will go far far better if you don't need him so much.

Sometimes leaving is the best thing you can do for a relationship. My ex has ceased several layers of poor treatment of me but not because he came to his senses on his own--only because I absolutely won't participate on those terms any more, and was gone for a long time several times. You too saw that dynamic with this guy in your life when you told him you were moving a while back. Promised changes to avert loss don't tend to take, but improvements to restore something that was actually lost sometimes may.

Sadly, I have been wondering about you since you stopped posting several weeks ago. I suspected you "went back".

Sadly, you are now a part of our lives here. Yes, you have brothers and sisters who care about you and want you to detach away from the person who has hurt you. We cry with you Sadly, I am now.

Thank you for coming back, I sure am glad you did. Keep posting, we care about you.

All of you
Thank you. I don't believe I am worthy of the strength and care you are giving me. Jerry, I wish I knew you, you make me cry you make me smile. H&W thank you, I feel your warmth. Larmoyant, thank you for time and your words, I follow you and you are going through so much right now. P&C, You see me, so clearly, I can't remember being strong, it didn't last, I'm sorry. Staystrongnow, I can't quite believe anyone noticed I was missing or wondered about me? I didn't know I was part of someone's life? I love that I am part of someone's life. Thank you all. Xx

I remember your lovely poems and you are so worthy of care xx

I can't wait until the day, Sadly changes her profile name to Happy!

I know it will happen one day, I just hope it's real soon!

   

Hi Sadly

According to Einstein: Insanity = doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

And I know you're not crazy my lovely - just battered and emotionally worn out. So what are you going to do different this time around to change this dynamic? We all care about you and want to see you happy and enjoying life again. But the first step is you believing that you deserve better than this crap.

Fanny


 

Hi Fanny
I make Einstein right about that, never a truer word.
I truly don't know what's wrong with me. I know in my heart I am better than this. I know I don't deserve it. I just don't know how to stop. I'm not even happy when I am with him. I know he is ill, I know he can't/won't change. This defies logic. It's like a moth to a flame. My wings get burnt and still I flutter back. I don't even kid myself that I won't anymore. One day my wings will burn off completely, I know this. I am truly scared of my inability to give up. When I am not with him it's like I am missing a limb and yet most times when I am with him I feel invisible. Sometimes I scream in my head " see me, feel me, know who I am" but I know he can't. I don't know what to do. x

Sadly

It seems that however low you feel when you're with him, you feel worse without him i.e. he is the lesser of two evils. You've talked very candidly on these boards about your FOO issues and they are undoubtedly contributing to your inability to break free of his toxicity. Don't know if you're depressed and struggling to cope in general - but your doctor can help with that.

I think you need time and distance from him in order to get yourself back - and probably a good therapist to get to the root of your addiction to him.

It's a real slog to get to the other side - but it's worth it, and you can do it. You just need a little help to get there.  |iiii

Fanny

Sweetie ... .Have you considered how similarly this is playing out to drug addiction? That realization eventually made a big difference to me. You're drawn back because initially it feels too painful to not be doing it. Even though the cost is huge and it's no longer even making you happy to be getting high. But it's just too hard to begin to stop.

When I began treating my connection to this man as a literal addiction and took the steps to break it that I might have if he was an actual drug, it changed things for me. I needed zero exposure to things connected with him (so I stopped looking at web sites connected to him). I needed to substitute other pleasures that would alleviate the pain of withdrawal so I very intentionally indulged in certain other gratification that at other points on my life I might have seen as mindless or self-indulgent. I needed not to see other people being gratified by getting high so I needed to stop communicating with people I knew including some I met here who were back with their BPD partners, and I needed to stop reading then-Staying board. I took it super seriously as an addiction and it allowed me to find my feet and regain the capacity for choice.

Like I said I still engage with my BPD person sometimes (and it's still hurting me and going badly) but I do so from a different position now. Breaking the need and the dependence was essential. (I am on the cusp of no longer even being willing to engage with him too--he is too wasteful of my efforts and is seemingly making zero progress, and I find I just don't want to participate any more.)  But I don't feel addicted to him any longer and that allows me to practice the skills taught here about boundaries and how to genuinely love someone with BPD. Again I am still finding it painful and ultimately probably futile. But it is not destroying me because I broke the almost chemical-feeling dependency by enduring the withdrawal and planning carefully how I would substitute other things for what he/the relationship were doing in my ecosystem.

You don't have to decide now to be done with him forever. You can singe those wings later if you still want to :/. But you can make a place for yourself to regain your footing while you decide if that's what you truly want.

Thanks Fanny and P&C
Yes, it does seem that way and yet I thought I had dealt with everything from my past. I had relationships but nothing like this. I was alone for years before I met him, by choice, and was happy, with interests and a couple of close friends. It was a happy life although I admit I was lonely sometimes, wished I had someone to share things with, but happy. I never truly trusted anyone with all of me, he was the first person ever I allowed to see into my soul and I feel so very betrayed. My lack of judgement horrifies me and I will never ever do that again under any circumstances. I guess my doctor could give me anti depressants again but the local therapy stuff is rubbish. 8 weeks to wait for someone who isn't trained in Personality disorders etc. I covered the rape by my grandfather and loss of my children years ago with another therapist. P&C is right, it is an addiction but I cannot yet get past despising myself for allowing it to go on. I even moved miles away and made a new home, now I am 3 miles from him again and not yet working. All that expense, all that heartache, all that false strength. Wasted, I am rubbish.

I do think self-worth issues are the root of all this. You've coped with so much in your life yet get derailed by a p***k like him!   Maybe he's the straw that broke the camel's back - emotionally speaking?


I totally get this. I too was very guarded and my ex was the first person that I really exposed a vulnerable side to. Boy did it hurt - but unlike you I gave her respect for breaching my defences rather than berated myself for letting her do so. Big difference. Be kinder to yourself Sadly - don't let him win! 

Fanny

I'll try FannyB, I will. I sometimes do believe I have self worth issues but then sometimes I don't. If someone had asked me 18 months ago to describe myself honestly I guess my reply would have gone something on the lines of " honest, trustworthy, loving, kind, reliable, funny, reasonably intelligent, attractive and with a huge capacity for understanding and empathy. So what's all this about? What have I become? I lie to myself, I lie to my friends to hide my shame, I pour my loving kindness onto someone who rejects and abuses it constantly. My wits are scattered and I feel ugly and unattractive. Two people have done this to me. Him and me. What the f**k is wrong with me? I guess I do need the doctor after all. xx

Sadly

I'd be depressed dealing with that crap - and when you're depressed it's hard to extricate yourself from a bad situation as you simply lack the emotional energy to do so. The doctor can help with this, and maybe that will be the impetus needed to move forward.  :)

The reason I say to be kinder to yourself is this. If I beat myself up for having let my ex get through my defences then I would be compelled to stay in the relationship - either to 'put things right' by making a go of the relationship or, more destructively, to be suitably punished for my error of judgement.  Either way - it's not a path worth taking.

Fanny

You FEEL all this because you are human and an emotional being who is in tune to the emotional energy. You need to try to let your mind be open to positive things whatever those are for you. Relations with BPDs is not positive. It is toxic. At first it is a perfume that draws you in and then the toxic gas comes out filling your lungs. You need to find your fresh air and breathe it in deeply.
I have been married to it all 8 years. Getting divorced now and it pains me be the fresh air and peace and quiet is consoling for me. The longer you deal with them I think the more numb you get to their toxic gas. I do not miss him because who I miss is not who he is.
You can feel better when you are ready to let yourself be open to getting out in the air and the sun and finding the self you are. It is hard but you can do it if you can gather your strength and courage
Be well

Yep, I do understand, I have made a doctors appointment. I hear what you say. Thank you for being here (again)   . I suppose I beat myself up cos for the first time since I was a frightened little girl I actually properly trusted this man, laid myself bare and welcomed warm loving arms around me, for the first time in my life since I was little I felt safe and then he's p*ssed all over it. My mum and dad loved me when they were alive but I could never tell them my huge secret so I suppose I didn't really feel safe. Telling the counsellor was just words. I dunno, I'm a mess, but thank you for caring. xx

Sadly, oh my goodness.  I so so so understand why this makes you feel like crap.  I too feel unattractive and undesirable as a result of having the first person with whom I've shared myself openly and fully for many years rejecting me in myriad different ways.

What I want to flag: it is no coincidence that this is hard to break away from.  Consciously or unconsciously, this man's approach to you is well-calculated to hook you, and not because of a failure on your part.  He hooks into your deepest needs and desires in order to draw you in and prevent you from leaving.  Then, the switch to devaluation and pushing you away creates a dissonance that most people have an instinct to try to resolve; an intermittent reinforcement that is incredibly addictive; a trauma bond where the instinct is to try to get the trusted person who hurt you to stop hurting you, rather than giving up on the relationship, because the implications of the betrayal feel too horrible to accept.

There's a reason these relationships are so damaging to many who show up on this board.  Many or most of us arrived at these relationships as reasonably functional, happy, self-sufficient people.  These dynamics are incredibly confusing, hard to believe, and seductive.  It is no verdict on you that you've found it hard to walk away from the promise that was originally held out and has been repeatedly reiterated.

This stuff is super damaging.  I'm a strong resilient person.  This has practically broken me.  Please don't pile on with self-criticism that you have found it hard to definitively leave it behind.

My BPD person periodically shows back up in my life when I've staked out my own course, and he says things I've always wanted to hear from him but never thought I would.  Each time it's a little different and a little more persuasive and compelling.  If it weren't, I'd stay clear.  I'm not desperate for him at these junctures -- I have standards and principles.  And yet ... .when I do try again, when he is so appealing and persuasive, it is crushing to have him turn the tables again and to have his assurances fail again.

Please don't underestimate the addictive and persuasive power of what you're up against here.  A friend of mine called him a "foe" and I think that is a telling framework.  He sounds so appealing but he is working against my interests by trying to steal my loyalty and affection without really committing his to me.  Many of the strongest folks on this board speak of having to practically crawl away from these dynamics on their hands and knees as first.  Only from a further distance does the strength and pride come back.  It's normal.  You are not weak, you are the focus of a relentless system of emotional extraction.  Anyone exposed to it in a protracted way would be similarly affected.

If you moved once, you can move again.  You can.  Imagine it.  Imagine the strong feeling you would start to experience if you were to stake out a position of protecting yourself, hard as it is.  The strongest I've felt was when I first drew and held a line nearly three years ago with the man in my life, he got mad, I thought I'd lost him forever ... .and I scraped myself off the floor, went into my office on New Year's, and past midnight on that "special" night, I moved furniture all alone from one office to another where I had to move by the end of the year, arranged a lovely new work space, and made it a haven for myself.  It was hard.  But it was good.  Even one day of arranging new plans and accommodations for yourself can start to change the storyline in your head.

People who break their word to us in such fundamental ways about loving us are people we should not be close to, not unless we are much much less vulnerable to the implications than you are right now.  You need some ground to stand on before you even consider re-engaging with this guy.

P&C
You are a darling, thank you. I read and understand everything you say and hurt for you too. I just received a text saying " are you ok" X. I texted back "of course not" then got one " sorry to hear that, do you want to meet tomorrow at some point" . I sent back " why are you ok then ?. No it's best we don't" and got final one. "Well it's up to you" . End of texts. Right now I feel ok about not seeing him, just very very sad. I hope I can feel ok about not meeting him when I wake up tomorrow. Thank you for your help. x

Nothing in that text exchange means you are losing anything.  You can always see him later :)  I guarantee you he will continue to make it possible.  He has no intention of letting you go.  Can you use that knowledge as a sort of buffer, and experiment with doing without him?  He isn't going anywhere.

    FannyB. You are so right, am so grateful to you right now, leaning on you heavily I'm afraid but so bloody grateful. x

The list of positives you offered are most likely all still part of who you are.

What would you say still applies? What can be added to the list? Build from there.

While making sure He doesn't harm you any more, also make sure You don't.

Sorry P&C
Replied to you but it sort of went somewhere ?   . Your reply gives me some strength, thank you   x

Hello Myself
To be honest I am not sure what applies to me anymore, I seem to have lost me. I know I need to find me again I just need to find the strength to start looking. x

You've shown here that you're already looking.
Showing you do have the strength to do so.
Continue and you're going to get there for sure.

How have you been doing today Sadly?

Badly Fanny, been a sad bad day. Confused, miserable, crying a lot. Haven't contacted him today, see doc Thursday. Pissed someone off on here and he got angry with me but I really didn't mean to, he totally got what I said wrong. Things couldn't get much more sh*t to be honest. You asking is the only nice thing to happen. Thank you so much for asking. X

Will always ask about you as you're someone worth caring about!  :)

You will have up and down days as you struggle to detach, but isn't there some quote about pain being due to weakness leaving your body? Maybe there's some truth in that?

Fanny

How lovely, thank you, you always make me feel better   Hope the quote is right. x

"Crying is what pain leaving feels like."

Blimey, gallons of pain leaking out in that case, just wish I could bung something in the gaps where it leaks back in again.  :) . When I was a little girl I thought that salty oceans were the tears of mermaids, thanks HtoH, that brought back a sweet memory. X

That's a lot of mermaid tears!  Those mermaids are surely pain-free and blissful by now, followed by Sadly yes?

 :) yes please  :) x