BPDFamily.com

Talked with father in law about upcoming divorce. We get on well, and was keen for a ‘useful’ exchange.

I mentioned that I thought there were still ‘left overs’ from her previous SO, non resolved issues, that had got in the way of things.

Yes, he said in agreement, he could understand that, he (the exSO) was a pwB/NPD, he said with no reservation. He was very familiar with all the traits and felt sure Anne (let’s call her that) had had a very abusive time and was cheated on.

I told him I was familiar with B/NPD and associated traits. (Neither of us asked the obvious question ‘why are you so interested in B/NPD stuff’…... the exSO is going back 15 years so hardly topic of the week!)

Is there a hierarchy in PDs. On the spectrum does one pwB/NPD choose a partner at a different intensity, so that there is always delta BPD and a perp/victim scenario ?

It would seem Anne was ‘bossed’ by her exSO while I have been bossed by Anne?

Anne did not enjoy the victim role (who does), and would seem to prefer the perp role?

Any thoughts?

Hi EG.

Each individual and each relationship forms an equilibrium and a dynamic of its own.

I don't believe it's like the periodic table where one higher up on the continuum takes precedence. There are so many other factors in relationships which may play a role.

Usually the borderline will set the balance of abuse through taking a persecuting role, however the other partner often acts to . maintain that balance. Taking on roles of victim, persecutor and rescuer themselves. Bizarrely we often take up the role of maintaining the balance.  :)o you perhaps recognise having played each of these roles at various times?

From an intellectual point of view I am curious about how my replacement performs or is eaten ( :)) over time. Perhaps he has the magic ingredient she needs to deal with her stuff and they strike a happier balance. Perhaps he doesn't. That's not my business.

I guess what is going around my head is this... .

I have been a victim in an abusive r/s. I am making 'sense' of it and I am detaching.

My STBex (let's assume history is correct) was in an abusive r/s, and then goes on to create and participate in another similarly dysfunctional r/s without any realisation that things are far from good.

This is a first for me to understand that my STBex really does have a different way of seeing the world and that in fact this 'idea' of a mental health issue could actually be real.

Some people get that things are not 'right', other people do not, and deny or ignore what is in front of them.

This seems like some kind of discovery for me and I am wondering what effects it might have.

My counselor told me on many occasions that a normal, healthy man would have run from my exgf after 15 minutes of time with her. Does anyone believe this to be true in most cases of relationships with BPD partners?

I know my exgf was is an extreme example and blanket statements are not appropriate, just wondering if anyone else agrees with this in their experience.