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Why I do not accept who he is and give myself closure?
Why? Why I keep forgetting How violent and angry and crazy and demanding and weird he was?

Why?

Maybe because you 'need' him in some way? I think that 'need' is so strong that we 'forget' or want to forget what they say and what they do. 

I just opened a similar threath... .about seeing her and then blanking out all the bad that happened... .

I also have this feeling that my mind is just wired this way to keep even a totally destroyed attachment alive... .

But. Good you are aware. A question is the first step towards the answer

UnforgivenII,

I'm sorry that you haven't yet been able to give yourself the gift of acceptance and closure.  I'm right there with you, and it's one of the major reasons that I find myself again teetering on the brink of (another) recycle and trying hard to remember all the things that have led me to leave.

I read about "abuse amnesia" on another PD support site - I don't know if it's technically okay to copy/paste it here, but I THINK it is, so look at this when you get a chance and see if it sounds familiar (it does to me):

"Abuse Amnesia is a strange occurrence which is common among people who have been chronically abused.

When a chronically abused person is interviewed or asked about how they are treated by the abusive person they are close to, they will often generalize a positive response.

This positive response could be interepreted as denial, but it is also likely that the abuse victim just doesn't remember all the things they have been through.

Abuse amnesia is a natural outcome of Confirmation Bias, where information which contradicts what a person wants to believe is neglected or forgotten quickly and information which confirms a belief is amplified and paid attention to.

Abuse amnesia is common in situations where a person is still invested in the success of the relationship and is "rooting for" the abuser to turn the corner, for the situation to improve and for the relationship to succeed.

It is common when an abuse victim is given an opportunity to talk at length about their experiences in a validating environment that they begin to remember traumatic events which they had previously forgotten."

I have tried so many times to make the suggested lists of all the things he has done to hurt me, and believe me, they could make up a decent sized novella.  Still, when I look at them, I can't "FEEL" how awful they were - they seem somewhat abstract to me i instead of hitting me in the visceral manner that they should.  This disturbs me, as it is one of the things that seems to keep me perpetually in this masochistic loop.

I think it's also a matter of "what fires together, wires together", and the more we ruminate about the ex and the relationship, that just strengthens the old patterns.  I for one am as yet unable to break that pattern.  I hope you can do better!

Hi Unforgiven-

When we ask our brain "what is wrong with me?" it will come up with a hundred things that are wrong with us, which doesn't really help us detach and heal yes?  So you could replace that question with some more empowering ones like "how can I use this" or "how will this experience benefit me", which will focus your brain to entirely different places.  Can you think of any others?


It's great that you are focusing on giving yourself closure, kudos for that.  And you're "forgetting" the violent angry crazy demanding weird because we create an unhealthy bond in these relationships, both partners complicit, and that bond, the same one that somehow made it OK to stay in the relationship, will continue to cause you to focus on the "good times" to the exclusion of the bad.  A helpful tool, along with asking empowering questions, is to make a list of all of the unacceptable behaviors you tolerated in the relationship, that now, with some time and distance, you see objectively as totally intolerable, and then focus on that list, which will grow as you remember things, and fully associate to how those behaviors made you feel.  You can get into the whys and the your parts later, the goal now being to break that bond, which happens with time, distance and focus, then once that's done you can embark on the grand adventure that is healing, growth, and the creation of an amazing future.  Yes, it does and will happen.

I watched a video on narcissist PD

This guy explained that we may have some neurotic naive block in our thinking that won't allow us nons to see our exes as they truly are. Our minds and hearts or maybe even memories get mixed up and we just stay trapped in this cycle of still wanting them, longing for them but knowing or at sometimes realizing we are absolutely asking for the wrong things.

It's a foo thing, watching our parents abuse us and each other and developing skills to block reality?

It fits with my thinking patterns right now

Like taking poisen and we know it will kill us yet we long for it? Crazy thinking

Another important factor, all of us are suffering from this same believe about our exs, if we could change it, wouldn't we just walk away and forget?.

We were with disordered people who helped warp our reality and they have tools to swith their reality on/off at will, we are not that fortunate.

Be good to yourself, work on you, your issues, they are incurable, we can heal and get well.

We allowed them to drive us crazy when we were with them, let's get well and stop them to continue to bother us now that we are free. That's my plan

Hello chillamom

I was trying to explain something similar to your description of Abuse Amnesia.

I believe this problem keeps me from viewing the reality of my relationship and constantly excusing her behaviors.

I am going to investigate this more deeply and see what I learn about this so I can help myself.

Thank you!