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My ex shows up at my house once again. She just left. Had to get on here after she left. I finally witness the disconnect. She seems afraid but worse than that, lost. I didn't know who sat next to me in my living room.  It wasn't who I knew. She smelled really good but nothing. Came over for something silly about me fixing her old phone. I told her to go see her provider. I don't repair cell phones but she already knew that. I feel she came over to see if I was as destroyed as she left me. Did I mention she's already living with someone and I'm shocked that I don't care. Of course she lies and said otherwise but I knew the day they first got together and the day my replacement (if you can call the poor girl that) moved in.

We shared a phony laugh. In the sense that it was funny but we wasn't sharing. I felt Heart broken afterwards bc I knew at that moment she is clearly on the way to being extinct. I wasn't mad at her or excited to see her. She smelled soo pretty but it was like walking pass a stranger wearing an attractive scent. Nothing there. I said nothing. Welcome to my reality, I said.

I wanted to feel glad. I wanted to be who I was with her. I wanted for her to be who she was when she saw me in the past. Nothing there. She asked me for some money for Burger K. But she makes good money. So I bought her something to eat and gave her the cash I had on me which was $15. She wanted more; as if.

Not saying she was but she looked doped up or something not sure but she didn't look sane. Or the same. Though she tried to appear okay. She seem nervous too.  Guilty, uncomfortable, something strange was going on there. Thing is, I was shocked that I didn't even feel sorry for her, Only bc usually I would have.  Idk what to think. Can't believe how passionate I felt about her just a few weeks ago. 

Strangely enough, I miss "thinking" about the fake her.

Do you feel nostalgic about the good part of her? I don't belive it is fake. In those moments they were good. In the next they were abhorrent. It's the same person - that is Borderline.

I don't think it's Indifference. It looks like detachment. But it's been so quick. Perhaps a bit of time will tell.

Indifference on my part I asked about. Not her.  Her behavior when I saw her was not confusing to me. I already stated, a completely different person.  Nostalgia? Maybe, but I don't think that.

Hey FallBack!Monster, I had a similar experience the first time I saw my ex after we had broken up. It was like someone turned the lights out inside of her.

I think that this happens for a few reasons, but mainly 1.) we are distraught and our perception of the world is altered in an instant, and 2.) a person with borderline traits can cycle between different schemas (almost states of being) rapidly when dysregulated, which would be a common reaction after any sort of loss whether they provoke it or not.

I feel for you. We carry expectations for our partners even after the relationship ends. We want them to be that person we knew, because how could someone apparently change so drastically? This is one major affective symptom of the disorder. They don't know where it takes them and we certainly struggle to put the pieces together in the aftermath.

How are you holding up?

You probably know best:

Indifference:
Lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.
"she shrugged, feigning indifference"
synonyms:   lack of concern about, unconcern about, apathy about/towards, nonchalance about, lack of interest in, disregard for, obliviousness to, uninvolvement in/with

Detachment:
the state of being objective or aloof.
"he felt a sense of detachment from what was going on"
synonyms:   objectivity, dispassion, dispassionateness, disinterest, aloofness, remoteness, distance, open-mindedness, neutrality, lack of bias, lack of prejudice, impartiality, fairness, fair-mindedness, equitability, even-handedness, unselfishness
"as an anthropologist you look on everything with detachment"