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I considered killing my BPD partner on several occasions. Not out of malice, but out of compassion.  People with this disorder are a curse on humanity and do not deserve to live.

Hitler had a point, you know?

Not all life is sacred.

I think weve all to some degree had revenge fantasies. What ive learnt from them is more about me than the pwBPD. Why I hurt so much. Why I allowed myself to let things go so far.

When we are hurt we want to hurt back and the bigger the hurt the bigger the retaliation wanted.

To go to your question on would the world be better off without them my answer is no. I have thought long and hard about this and my conclusion is we need these people for the world to function. This may suprise a lot of people and it did me. There are a lot of suspected pwBPD celebrities. Steve mcqueen, princess diana etc etc. There are also a lot of people that a pwBPD has inspired. Just look at the music world. If you google the top 100 songs of all time you can probably count a quarter of them as having BPD undertones. Other pds have had a huge influence on the world today. Big buisness and npd go hand in hand. Would we have apple ifsteve jobs didnt have npd traits. Some of the worlds top surgeons score highly for ASPD. co dependancy and nursing go hand in hand. Then we have einstein, da vinci van gough all with suspected pds. Bi polar manic episodes have fuelled some major adcances in sciencr. The list goes on. The sad truth is we cannot have the good without the bad. Its down to us to not get involved.

I too think we have all had fantasies like this at some point. We are human beings sometimes stretched to our limits. However; It is recorded that Hitler had a multitude of severe personality disorders including paranoid schizophrenia, megalomania, Borderline  and narcissism. Many of these are patently visible in actual film recordings and writings.
Naturally some of these are disputed but there is a huge amount of evidence suggesting it is true. His doctor recorded he also had syphilis from the age of 20 which Hitler himself called the Jewish disease and wrote 13 pages in Mein Kamph on the subject. He wrote that it was the job of the whole German nation to eradicate the cause, the Jews. Was this his reason for the holocaust? He bizarrely believed it was hereditary and resulted in insanity and mental retardation which is why he also eliminated many innocent mentally retarded people.
Regardless of PDs or Syphilis he was an evil man. IMO he did not have a point at all and his evil sickness should not be spoken of in the same context as the ill people with BPD we deal with on a daily basis.

Why would you wish physical harm upon someone who, I am guessing, you at one point believed you loved and who loved you? And secondly, someone who you, I am sure you know, has a disorder they are not in control of, but rather it controls them?  If you know and accept that your ex has an illness, then surely it must follow that rather than the world needing to be rid of 'them', they in fact need and deserve our help. And sympathy.

I don't know, my ex has put me through emotional hell and made me think I was losing my grip on reality, but somehow, I manage to feel sorry for him. Even though he has treated me appallingly at times.

Rather, I often, very often, finding myself wishing that they came with some kind of government health warning... .maybe that's a slightly softer approach to what you're thinking. Rather wishing harm upon them, just wishing that there was a way to stop them being able to inflict the harm they do to others.

*mod*

Guys, lets not go down the "genocide" or "Hitler" path... .there are some very deep emotions being felt, let's explore the reason and how to cope.

2.8 Excessive Anger, Excessive Blaming: It is recognized that most members have suffered emotional loses and abuse in their relationship with a “borderline”. Recognizing that the “borderline” is mentally ill, and understanding the role of this mental illness in the relationship is an important part of healing and recovery. Coming to terms with the abuse and/or understanding our roles is also part of healing and recovery.

Anger toward the abuser is part of the healing process. Frustration, irritation, annoyance, dismay, unhappiness are healthy expressions of anger. Hostility, vindictiveness, spitefulness, bitterness , and vengefulness is unhealthy.

Indiscriminate anger and/or blaming directed at someone other than the abuser is not healthy. Defaming “borderlines” as a group, is unhealthy and may be hurtful to other members, some of which suffer with borderline traits and some of which have children, grandchildren, or family members with borderline traits. Members shall not exhibit unhealthy anger or blame, or defame "borderlines" in general.
https://bpdfamily.com/guidelines#anger

I take it that you are still together?  What is going on?

I appreciate the honesty of the op.

And I have to laugh a little, I know these issues are serious and the pain is real and soul crushing.

I told my good friend who just passed away a few weeks ago, "is murder illegal" being sarcastic.

She, in her quick wit responds, "only if you get caught"

She had a point, and I'm sure we all have these thoughts.

Billy Grahams wife was asked if she and her husband ever had marital issues, she said "I've never ever thought of divorce but I have had thoughts of murder"

Having bad thoughts isn't unusual or wrong, acting on them is.

Have a great day everyone and keep moving forward.

theodorus; Do you think your level of compassion rises high enough beyond your own problems that you can pass a final judgement on someone elses?

Everyone has varying degrees of good and bad about them.  The balanced perspective is to realize that we all cycle through various stages in life where we fall on one side of the spectrum of admirable/bad behaviors - sometimes we are far off to one side or the other. 

The nature of BPD is extremes on both sides - idealize/devalue.  When you were being idealized you probably wanted to put that in a bottomless jar and hold onto it forever.  You can no more do that than you can eradicate the devaluing. 

pwBPD are very much like most of us - except in relationships they cannot stay centered or balanced.  I would submit that your viewpoint is too far on one side of the spectrum of thinking and as such, imbalanced.  That is why this board exists and you are here - to get re-centered and balanced.

Can you talk a little bit about why you got together with you pwBPD in the first place - what was the initial attraction?

For me, Jerry boils down the issue perfectly here. We shouldn't go around pretending to be saints or putting pressure on ourselves to be saints. We've found our way to this support community because we've suffered through very difficult relationships. It's normal for that experience to have triggered a wide range of emotions in us, some hostile, vengeful, and even cruel.

The question is - what do we do with those emotions? Do we embrace and validate the feelings of hate, desire for revenge, urges to lash out physically? Or try to explore them, why they feel so oppressive and painful to us, what we really would be hoping to achieve if we allowed ourselves to act on them, and whether we would actually achieve anything positive if we did?


Case in point here. It sounds to me like you value compassion over malice. You reject the idea of acting on malice and want to embrace compassion. But, no offence, your last sentence feels laced with malice, not compassion. So would you in reality want to kill your BPD partner? Would that help you move forward? I take it your post is a way of venting, of letting your dark side speak its mind and validate itself. That's something we've all done to some extent on this board. I think if you reread your post, you'll see the dissonance for yourself between valuing compassion and referring to people with a disorder as a curse on humanity who do not deserve to live. Venting can be helpful. So can reflecting on it afterwards.

theodorus,

Although I've never fantasized about causing physical harm to my BPD ex gf, I do empathize a bit with your line of thinking and where I believe it to be derived from. For example, my ex tried to kill herself at some point in the past and has the scars to prove it. I have had thoughts of how I would feel if I heard that she attempted this again and actually succeeded and I'm not proud to say but a large part of me thinks it would be a good thing. Not a good thing because I want her to die but because I don't want anyone else on this planet to have to go through what she's put me through if that makes any sense. She is going to do what she did to me to someone else and that makes me very upset. It's almost as though she should be locked away in a penitentiary because her actions are emotionally/mentally criminal and part of me really believes that the world would be a better place if she wasn't a part of it.

However; I don't want to continue harboring these feelings of resentment. Obviously, these wounds are still very fresh for me and she is still controlling a lot of my thoughts despite having been out of my life for months. I'm clearly not at the point of indifference yet as seen through these feelings that I'm still holding on to and I don't want these to last forever. Despite me telling her that I forgive her before going NC, I'm definitely not fully there yet in my mind which is unfortunate but understandable. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I get where you're coming from but as others have said, these thoughts  are explainable and not "evil" as long as they don't turn into actions.

I think that such thoughts just show how intensely and strongly the mind seeks relief from pain.  The mind will do anything to survive intact.  The pain is so intense that the mind will at this point seek any method of relief.   Obversely many minds go into self-destructive state-suicide ideation can be a reverse symptom of a similar degree of pain.

I commend you about being so open about this.  Thank you.

This is what I've experienced, but there have been times when I want him to feel, really feel, pain like I’m experiencing and not have his defences to fall back on so he doesn’t have to face himself.  I want him to have a moment each and every day when his defenses break down and he acknowledges to himself how cruel he has been to someone that tried to understand. I want him to hurt too.

I want him to hurt too.

He is.  His pain is so intense that there is no room there for him to be aware of anyone else's.  This pain originates from such a visceral level that all the love in the world cannot alleviate it... .only his own personal rigorous adherence to long term therapy designed specifically for BPD sufferers can help him.  Ironically, he is the cause ... .and he is the cure too.