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My wife has BPD. The BPD has never really been too big of problem because I can separate the pain caused by BPD and still show her only affection. Well this time she had a major major major traumatic experience trying to get a job. She got laughed at and didn't get the job. We really needed this job so she feels like she utterly failed me and has gone into a very big break down and run off. She has little key words she says right before a break "always remember I love you don't ever forget that" and then she poofs out of my life but usually its only a day. This is where I send her 10000 messages and she realizing she didn't fail me and comes home. This time though its been 8 days and the you didn't fail me and I love yous are not working. I am prepared for the long haul on this one . I've sent her poems, and told her how proud I am of her so many times now for about 6 days straight. But like if I mention anything about love and understanding  she doesn'message back for a day or two. She made me go 48 hours without one word (scary because she gets suicidal during breakdowns). So OK basically she finally messaged back and like was talking frequentish about every day stuff and I slipped and told her how important she is to me again and she disapeared again. well I recognize the tried and true over affection approach is not working this time like it always has for 6 years. Everyone I know is saying do not message her for like a long time. But that is like really hard when you know she's feeling like a failure. I am on hour 48 of not messaging her and no response yet. I know in my heart she will be home one day and I will be here with open arms because sickness and health but I need opinion's from people who have BPD and or live with it. Am I doing the right move by not messaging her? Or should I continue the barage of you didn't fail even tho thats making it worse this time? :/ any advice on what to say if anything? She isn't a failure and I don't want the no messaging to make her think that. , thanks for any advice

Hi Lexielev,

*welcome*

I would feel worried too. Where does she go to when she runs off? What does she say when she returns?

Sounds like an awful situation full of worry. I know its hard but she isn't your responsibility, in that you cant control her thoughts and you have done the best you can.

When she comes back, you need to talk about how you can stop this happening because its destroying you. Can you try therapy? Have you looked into DBT? That may help avoid these situations happening or at least toning them down.

Hope that helps, whatever you decide to do, dont beat yourself up about it, youre only trying your best and doing what you think is right at the time.

To Mutt, she heads to the same friend lately that goes to the same mental rehab facility. She is trying to get a peer job there and I think in her mind the only way she will make it to all the training is to be there (we worried about making to every class because an hour away from us). When she does snap out of it she is always extremely remorseful and cries because she had no control and she knows it hurts me. She also always says she did it to go off and try to get a job to support us and then when she has money and I can be proud of her she would have came home. so she gets really self hating to the point she is suicidal and I have to talk her off the ledge but she has already this time said we will try this again someday and I'm gonna send money all the time. But like I don't need the money I need her and that sucks. So now I'm off getting work to maybe make her feel she's not alone in this idk.

To woods77 we have tried the therapy and tons and tons of pills. What is DBT? It's so hard not to take this out on myself I feel like I'm failing her by not saying the magic word or something this time. But I have done all I can and I guess I might just be sitting around a while this time. Thank you.

For us, we found that the best suggested treatment was DBT. My now ex has BPD (diagnosed by 3 different specialists) it is meant to be the best help for it. In a nutshell it teaches skills to combat their thoughts and actions. They keep a positive diary too. Ultimately if willing, it at least gives them something to aim for, it gives them actions to follow.

I think it has helped her a lot, perhaps even shockingly so to be honest. For us a complete transformation in many ways, although for me personally quite confusing because as she got better she did some impulsive cheating and I think she was trying to end the relationship. Anyway I ended it and now am struggling myself. Im not sure how we all cope with it, but I think DBT is worth a try. As far as we found it was the main hope.

You are not failing her at all, you can only try your best in a difficult, often impossible situation for everyone.

Hi Lexielev,


I'd like to add to what Woods77 said about threatment, think of it as a recipe book for emotions. For example, she's being really hard on herself with not getting this job, she's listening to her inner critical dialogue, she would learn to change the behavior. If I have this right, she's trying to get a peer job in the mental rehab facility that she's in, is she an outpatient with BPD?