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Title: Moving on Post by: Lovelyheart on September 06, 2016, 11:08:01 AM Hi, I've been in an extramarital relationship with someone I suspect has BPD for nearly 3 years. I left once and found it devastating, and the relationship subsequently resumed. I've left again and while now I am far more aware, it is still devastating. I've broken my own commitments, spent a lot of money, given my heart and soul, received a lot, also of pain. I want to move on from all this pain, so that I don't do it again. I'm a coach so I know quite a lot about myself, others, from many perspectives. Yet the wounds that took me into that relationship are so hard to heal outside of it.
I'd love to hear from others who have moved on. Thanks for sharing Title: Re: Moving on Post by: Lucky Jim on September 06, 2016, 11:30:28 AM Excerpt Yet the wounds that took me into that relationship are so hard to heal outside of it. Hey LH, What do you mean by that? What wounds? Ideally, healing comes from within, rather than depending on something outside of yourself, such as another person or a relationship. Suggest that you not allow the outside to determine how you feel on the inside, because otherwise you are a slave to circumstances that are constantly changing. LuckyJim Title: Re: Moving on Post by: VitaminC on September 06, 2016, 05:42:19 PM Hi Lovelyheart, *welcome*
I'm glad you found us, but sorry that you are so sad right now. Many of us here will understand how you feel. You describe a very difficult situation - both BPD and being involved in an extra-marital affair are very confusing things to be dealing with. In both situations, it can be very hard to know where you stand - to feel any sense of safety in the relationship. That can create a lot of excitement, of course, but at a high price. You've come to the right place to heal. Are you broken up now? I'm sorry, I don't understand which of you is actually married - or both? Are you in contact at all? How long since you stopped seeing each other? As you say you are a coach, I'm understanding that you have some familiarity with self-development tools. This site offers lots of good ones too. But I am also understanding that using tools can be lonely work, and sometimes we're just too tired to pick them up and use them. We need to hear from others how they feel and what has worked for them. Yet the wounds that took me into that relationship are so hard to heal outside of it. There is something very true and important here. Wounds take us in, and sometimes we are in a relationship to either avoid those wounds or somehow try to fix them. Which is it for you? Or is there another possibility I'm forgetting about? For me, it was a combination. And, again, if I understood you correctly, sometimes it can feel that when the relationship is not there anymore, all we are left with is the wounds from that relationship and the original ones - our own ones - that took us into it. We might feel as if we *need* that other person to fix our own wounds. That can be a very complex kind of "fixing". Is it something like that? That's a hard place to be in. But it's also a place of great potential, as I think you recognize yourself. A place from which many good and healthy and healing and powerful things can happen. Keep posting, keep talking. We're listening. Title: Re: Moving on Post by: Mutt on September 08, 2016, 07:43:48 PM Hi Lovelyheart,
*welcome* I'd like to join Lucky Jim and Vitamin C and welcome you. I'm sorry to hear that. I can relate with how difficult it is to move past a break-up with a pwBPD. It's not like a regular break-up, it can be devestating and immensely painful. I felt like I was grieving loss when my ex wife left but there was something else there that I couldn't quite put my finger on and I needed help to sort it out, it felt like old wounds had re-opened from childhoof for me. A r/s with a pwBPD can sooth old emotional wounds, you may find this article helpful for you. From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0) |