BPDFamily.com

Hi all! Been lurking on this board for close to three years... .just recently started to post again. I am 1.5 years out of the most traumatic relationship I have ever experienced.

Everyday I think about my ex. I have been dating someone new for 5mo. Really love this person. Yet I still think about my damn ex.  

I don't want to get back together with her and I know I can never speak to her again. The damage this caused in my personal life is insurmountable. It has also been the best life lesson I have ever received although I wish I had not had to experience this. I wish this on no one.

Over the past year I pretty much eliminated five people from my life. Five people who were highly toxic and I let call me names and treat me poorly. One, was a co worker and friend who after the end of our friendship pretty much told all my co workers I am gay (I was closeted at work) and smeared me in ways that were very painful given I had always been a friend to this person. I confided in this person about a lot of things... .we were friends over 6yrs and she knew my BPD ex. At the end of our relationship she threatened my job and I went to HR. A year later she is telling all my personal business to my immediate co workers while I have said nothing negative to anyone around me.

I also work with my BPD ex's sister who works directly with this ex friend. I've been bullied and threatened yet I have ignored these two and projected a "I don't give a f" attitude.

But deep down inside I am hurting.  

I could have lost my job over this person and now a year and a half removed they are still screwing with me,,,only indirectly. As I said in other posts, I have not heard a peep from her since I was replaced however just having known her has profoundly changed me.

I want a day to come where I don't have regrets. That I don't hate her so much I wish she was dead.  There are days I wish she would get hers. I am not a violent person. This relationship made me vengeful and I hate that part of me.

My new GF is probably one of the nicest most understanding people I have ever met. I have found myself challenging her and almost picking a fight because I can't understand why she hasn't left me yet.

This push-pull stuff is garbage. I really feel I have fleas and at times feel I could be BPD, yet I can be rational and know why I am reacting the way I am. I stop myself and re-evaluate before it gets out of hand.

This site has been so helpful over the years, let me tell you! It has been a safe respite from the insanity of my former relationship and a place I could express myself without judgement.

I apologize for this rant this morning. I am hoping someone who has been out of their BPD relationship a few years can give me some insight. I really want to let go of this anger. It's just hard when the negativity surrounds me in my workplace. I feel like I attract BPD's and it makes me want to be alone and friendless to avoid the pain. My mother is a BPD and so is my grandmother and several friends which I eliminated this year.  I feel better not having the negativity in my life yet at times I doubt myself because I am the one common factor in all those toxic relationships. Is it me? This is what I struggle with.

Hey PW-


Is it really true that it's been insurmountable?  You have a job, you're in a new relationship, and you're here continuing to address issues.  Is it better to make things worse than they are, better than they are, or actually how they are?


Are those changes for the better or worse?  I too removed several people from my life once I left my ex and detached; one benefit of the experience can be that we wake up to our lives, certainly true in my case, and once awake it can become clear that some of our existing relationships are disempowering and need to be removed, so there's more room to populate our lives with empowering ones.


Anger is a stage of detachment, although it's a stage, are you stuck?  And one thing I've noticed is although the anger wanes, the ability to get angry doesn't, which is a good thing, sometimes necessary in enforcing boundaries, and if we've spent time as a doormat, let people step all over us, that's a handy new tool yes?


Have you told her that, have you had that conversation?  Is this an opportunity to take this relationship to another level so you don't repeat any patterns from the last one?


So what's preventing you from letting it go?  Is there a benefit to keeping it?  And is it possible to get a new job; how far are you willing to go in the creation of the life of your dreams?


Great question, and great introspection, keep going!

Just a quick question, have you spoken to a therapist? If not, I would suggest going once a week for a good 6 months.
At this stage not really to talk about your ex, but rather yourself.

Occasionally, I will think about my ex and sometimes that will turn into anger.
But when I look at that anger, it is rarely about her. Rather it is usually from the seemingly lack of control (of my situation/family) I had when I was a child.
When I go off path, usually trying to find the root of what is happening moves me in the right direction.
I think a lot of times when we continue to be hurt (and it is normal to be hurt at the loss of any relationship), that these issues are about us coming to resolution with ourselves. It is a great moment to take advantage of, and rather than trace the same mistakes (perhaps you push/pull with your current girlfriend) as before you can move into something stronger.
Hope the best for you.