BPDFamily.com

Not the best writer but bare with me.

My first break up ever (first serious relationship I've been in) was in March, then our second breakup was I think in the beginning of June. It's all becoming a blur to me now. First time breaking up was the most painful, I never felt so low. Second time was just the continuation of grieving from the first, even when I was with her... until recently.

I've been reading here daily, reading books about BPD for healing, blogs and Youtube videos. Just many many different sources. I'v been really striving deperately striving to understand what happened, and pretty much lost all hope now of things ever working out in future for my exBPD and I (which is good).

I don't think about her as often as I used to and I'm pretty much surprised about that and that I think I have coped well. Sometimes I feel guilty that I have gotten over her quicker than expected. If that meant I never loved her to people perceiving from the outside I have no clue. But I don't think that's true. Can't believe I feel guilty over it but it's interesting to observe why I feel such a way that I am bad for getting over her quicker than I thought I would.

I was in a lot of pain for weeks I had no idea when it was going to end and one day I just woke up and it just wasn't as significant anymore. It did come with a lot of work on my part though. Sleepless nights just reading reading and reading until I got sick of myself, sick of reading and I dont know things just eventually got better. I still feel a love for her but not as strongly probably because I can hardly see future there for us anymore based on what I have learnt about BPD, recycles, their patterns of behaviour and I can accept now she wasn't good for me and it's okay for things to end and to feel love for her from a distance and to wish her well whether she eventually seeks professional help or not. It's not my responsibility, and I am kind of relief I don;t feel that it is anymore. Such a weight lifted off me.

I don't know how I'd feel if she ever returned but all I know is I'm feeling great now and enjoying all this peacefulness and afraid that will be ruined if she comes back. So some anxiety with just the thought of her coming back but being okay when she's not around. All I know is I got to trust myself more and my ability to survive on my own and not be too affected by others and their opinions, wants, needs and that will take time as I practise better boundaries and not allowing people to cross them. I'm also beginning to forget certain details or obsessing over certain details she used to blame me for as it is just not relevant to my life anymore, probably resolved it from a lot of self affirmations etc and just been obsessing over how to enjoy my day and putting myself first as my main priorites in life.

Been exercising daily, talking to new people, keeping in touch with family and been pretty happy and uplifted to the point that I realised I was a lot happier or can be much much happier without her. Like I said, I just have this anxiety or phobia just thinking of her making contact with me. Probably cause I think all she will give me is pain if I ever see her face again (so maybe not completely moved on but to the point I can function well on my own). Perhaps I was a happier person before meeting her. Not that I didn't gain anything from being with her, I really did learn a lot about myself from this experience.

For me personally, I realised I get sucked into something because of feeling bad for someone or pity or feeling guilty. I knew I settled for less than I deserved but I always felt so guilty for some reason and probably just used to permision or getting validation from an outside source before I would decide what's good for me or that I should at least give anyone who is interested a chance. Too much self-doubt and people pleasing behaviour I think.

So that's what I discovered about myself. Needed to learn to say no and if I am unsure not to feel badly about myself and normally to people I care about this is harder for me. I didn't idealise or find my ex that attractive at the start, I went with the flow and let her show me what I thought was unconditional love (in her idealisation phase/liking so much/a little too much at the beginning). Eventually I was convinced I was lucky to give her a chance and letting go of someone who really needed me would be letting go of something rare. Yeah that makes sense, rescuer complex, needing to be needed. She gave me a lot of validation, extreme amounts that I needed to fill up my own self-esteem.

Now that I go on casual dates, I try to be aware of my unreasonable feeling of guilt. That I don't owe anybody anything just because they are showing interest. I mean seriously, they are strangers interested in me and I still feel a lot of guilt to say no. It is as if I am so afraid of upsetting someone and too used to putting myself last I got unneccessarily tangled with people and stuck just because I didn;t know how to let them down and deal with my guilt or shame for putting someone else down. Weird but that was a part of what I feared the most. Disappointing whoever I thought didn't deserve to be disappointed. Especially if I thought they had good character.

Now the other BPD lady I mention in my posts is a past lover/friend before my exBPD. I am still not over her and we were never in a serious relationship but I wanted it to be. I feel like I will always be stuck idealising her in a way as she was the one I had the most chemistry with and wanted to be with but she was different in that she didnt want to get close to anyone and perhaps in a way I was drawn to that emotional unavailability. I only discovered she has BPD when she told me just before she painted me black and that she doesnt know how to handle relationships. I contacted her recently but still given the silent treatment and don't think I will hear from her again. I'm letting that one go too and at least I have my peace of mind and no drama is happening anymore with her either.

Psychologist said to give "normal" people a chance and to try and not pick dramatic ladies. She said that she thinks I find it exciting/thrilling and enjoy the drama and I think she is right. It is hard when it is what you're attracted to their extremes in a way but yes, need to get used to being in normal healthy relationships in future. I like extremes and I need to get over my addiction to such kinds of people. I hope to feel incredible love for someone else healthier someday. That I'm not just into the drama and that I can appreciate something healthier...

If anyone feels or has felt similarly to anything I've said feel free to share. That's all I have to share for now.
Also if anyone has any tips for dealing with unnecessary guilt - let me know how you deal with it. I feel guilty unreasonably sometimes if I don't give people what they want. I still have trouble with that from time to time! Why is it so hard to let someone down?

Whenever you are with a partner and it ends, you're never the same after, regardless of their condition. You've seen new things, both good and bad. My advice for the guilt, from someone who has similar feelings when turning someone down etc. is being honest. People can't be mad at you for being honest. Now I'm not saying tell them your life story (that's a BPD trait) but explain that you've been in a difficult relationship, thought you were ready and that you want to take it slow.

Secondly, you feel guilt sure, but you're most likely projecting. You feel guilty at allowing yourself to be used this way. I sure as hell do. The important part of moving on from these feeling is proving to yourself that you are worth it. Also, try helping other people in more productive ways (soup kitchens are cliche but you get my drift) and those feelings could subside.

Thank you for your reply.

You're right I feel a lot different and see people differently.
I realise I'm not the same innocent/naive person I used to be. I used to think people who liked me always had positive intentions or that everything would always work out fine in a relationship as long as I am committed, strive and stay positive etc.

I don't like to spill out to people like I used to either. I didn't necessarily do so but I had that urge to and eventually I would spill out just as much as my exBPD since it felt natural to share just as much as the the other person to keep that sense of comfort going.

I think that when I got involved with my exBPD I was at my most vulnerable. My self esteem wasn't very low but I had my doubts about myself and decision-making, I never experienced a relationship before and what my ex convinced of me was that I can be loved greatly (which of course deserve love as much as anybody else) but because that was a first time someone really really wanted me and really showed it obviously at the beginning I fell for that idealisation stuff since nobody treated me that way before.

I did feel odd at first, I would ask her 'Are you sure you love me for me? It's only been so early how do you know?' 'Maybe you just find me attractive?' and she would always reply something in the lines of 'love is unconditional, I cant explain how I feel about you but I feel so secure and satisfied when I am with you and I want us to be like this forever.'and ':)on't be afraid, If you are afraid I will leave remember I will never abandon you. I feel so lucky to have you'. She was very comforting and validating and things I needed to hear so it felt real and genuine at the time and eventually I trusted her.

Yeah I am most likely projecting. Even if I was in a difficult relationship, before my exBPD I have trouble saying no to people who aren't as close to me. Mostly friends or people I want to please and have a better relationship with. I think I got it from my foo. They always gives generously and sacrifice themselves and I know why they do it- to feel better about themselves, morale etc. But I know they know they overdo it since that they get taken advantage of at times and complain about it later but then convince themselves they are good (which they are)and seen as good but yeah just too much caretaking of everyone too.

There are a couple of people who I am assuming would like to date more seriously or exclusively and that frightens me. I only care about casual dating or friendship at this stage and cannot picture myself seriously with anybody without taking it slow (as it should be anyway). It even frightened me when my exBPD pursued me but I eventually trusted her so it makes me more anxious and distant now.

But yes, I always just think to myself and remind myself that I am in control  of myself and that I need to start trusting myself and my own opinions and not to care if others differ from my own and not always cater for them or compromise my own stuff each time all because I wanted to avoid that guilty feeling. That I am worth it as you said too. I'll give if I want to and not in a place where I expect to receive as much as I give since that just leads to disappointment too. At the same time, I will try to seek for something balanced and people who equally give and take in all my close relationships.

I was always honest with my ex that I was not sure at the beginning and not sure I was over my BPD friend/lover but yes, my exBPD repeating and comforting me allowed for me to trust her more and eventually fell for her and want her long-term that the other BPD did not want and only short term stuff. She even told me that it's normal to like people from the past and that didn't bother her. Nothing really bothered her at that time. Fell for her loneliness story too and felt needed for that.

For the new people if I am not feeling any chemistry or attraction I keep telling myself that I have to tell them no. Even if one of them in specific... wrote in a blog that they are not attractive enough or enough because XYZ and that is why nobody wants to be with them - that is not something I need to feel bad about if some of them feel that way as a person I can't fix that. I did them no harm, I did not insult them or say anything to do with them not being enough  but I do agree that I just don't feel that chemistry/attraction and wish they liked themselves more and they find the right person for themselves. I feel that basically they are accurate in that they are not right for me but not because I dont think they are worth it as a person. This is what I mean by being susceptible by my guilt then playing rescuer to deal with my own negative feelings. Almost like a compulsion to want to be seen as the good person in everyones lives. I have to set my boundaries and like you said "help people in productive ways".

I speak to close friends whenever I feel guilt and they keep reminding me that yeah, I need to be comfortable and that I don't owe anybody as much as they want from me if I don't want the same. Especially if I hear they've been hurt so much before and get all empathetic about it and that they dont deserve anymore hurt ... coming from me. I will just be honest - even if its so uncomfortabe for me to turn people down.  I hope that one day I won't feel so guilty over these things if I don't give people what they want. It's a habit/feeling about myself I need to break.