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I know, I know it shouldn't matter. My relationship was toxic and I am better off NC from my ex, however this week pains me.

Through the grapevine I hear my ex is sitting hospice for her GF dying friend. I don't know why this bothers me... .

Maybe because when my dad was in the hospital for a major surgery she dumped me (one of many times)

Maybe because she picked a fight with me at my best friends wedding, cornering me in a bathroom thus I missed singing AT the reception.

Maybe it's because as I struggled with being gay (she was my first girlfriend) she dumped me for an ex as I lay in a puddle at home, broken (no one knew at the time I was dating a woman and I was isolated).

I know what I hear may not be a fair representative of what is actually happening. Who tells all the bad stuff? And I know I shouldn't care, I'm just angry.  I catered to someone for four years who was never there when I needed someone to be there for me. She cheated on me with someone I thought was a mutual friend only to return a month later when she realized that wasn't happening.

Why did I stay with this person? Why did I let this person leave and return over 20 times?

I'm really in the anger phase I wish would pass. I've been here a year. Fall was always the worst with my ex, holidays trigger her. It is terrible but I'm hoping this death and the fact her new GFs ex is getting married (they all hang 24-7) the mask will drop and they will get a taste of what I went through. Every special occasion was ruined by her raging fits and threatening to dump me, every time I was upset I had to hide it as not to trigger her (walking on eggshells).

I'm angry I am sitting here the smeared villain, all these people think I was toxic for her. I'm angry I confided my issues to her current GF and then this woman went for my ex... .after I told her of abuse and cheating.

Sometimes I think I'm justified in wanting to see these two suffer, but even if justified its not part of my normal nature and I wish I didn't feel like this.  

The thing is that it's just the introductory stages.  Eventually, they'll get to where you were.  And remember, you were that new person for someone else.  Until they get help, it's same as it ever was.

I remember the one time I saw it all fall apart with my ex and someone else.  She had pushed to move in with him, and he shut her down.  She was suicidal for a bit, but I had moved on with my life.

Same for me.  This week has been hell for me, too.  My ex is being the end-all be-all for my replacement this week. It is more painful than I could have imagined - probably because despite our being over, it's like a fresh wound to the ego... .a new way in which she gets to invalidate me, yet again, and remind me how much I didn't actually matter in the end.


Because you loved her.  And you believed in what you had with her.  And because, like all of us here, it was harder to cut all relations with her than it was to hope that this time it would be different. 

But we learn, right?  We learn and we move on - and we deal with the wounds we have.  And, hopefully, we learn what our own needs are and find healthier ways to get them met.


Yep. I'm with you there, too.  For me, the hardest part of the character assassination isn't what they think of me... .it's knowing that my ex could actually bully me in that way. 


Oh man... .I won't even go into the vile ideas I've had swimming through my head some days. I've never had a vengeful bone in my body toward anyone... .and sometimes it's all I can think of... .I'm not sure what that's about, and maybe it just comes from wanting to assert ourselves in some way.  I've been reminding myself that I was a pretty amazing person before this relationship, and that I can go back to being me.  And that seems to help.

You're not alone. That's for darn sure.

As you've implied, you were in a toxic relationship. That doesn't make you nor her toxic, and it doesn't mean the relationship couldn't have been any healthier. It's normal to have those feelings. It seems wrong that in your moments of crisis she didn't show you much love. I'd be a little angry and jealous too if I was privy to that kind of knowledge. I'm sure you know this, but another person's suffering is no reclamation or prize. No one should suffer.

Here's a positive step that you can take. Erect stronger boundaries with mutual friends. You don't need to hear things like this if they only induce a state of resentment or rumination. You do control what you hear, and if your friends value what you say and who you are they will respect that. And if they don't, well it's time to really think about the people you want to surround yourself with and correct any personal misgivings on the matter.

Finding the answer to the above is the most important and painful lesson you will learn; there are reasons we codependents stayed with our BPD partners. I have heard the gift of the relationship is that we find out what we need to fix with ourselves to be able to have the life we desire in the future.
I have learned why I stayed in a toxic relationship (FOO issues), now I am trying to take it one day at a time.
Try to focus on you now, I know how tough it is.

This is the key I feel, as painful as it is delving into those deep seated issues. I (unconsciously) thought he was the answer to that pain, but all he did was trigger it over and over.  No ones fault really. My issues/his issues colliding to create utter chaos. Hope you're feeling better Pretty Woman