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Hello, I haven't been back in a long time. I went no contact with my eat exBPD since March this year. But we work together, so even though  I don't speak to him, I see him every day. In May, he reached out and apologized. And then he also tried to start chitchatting with me. We worked in a school system. So I finally get a chance to take a long break with NC over the summer, to focus working on myself. I went to see my therapist two times a week, took an art class, and went to the gym 2 to 3 times a week. Now school started again, and he started talking to me right away. Asking personal questions,  and I have been just giving him really short answers and not sharing any personal details. I spoke with my therapist, and shared that it has been very triggering for me that he is reaching out again. My therapist encouraged me to have a conversation with him if I want to, so that I can take control over the situation, and let him know that I am done pretending to be OK , and pretending that things are fine between us. My therapist also encouraged me to set boundaries with him.

However, I don't really know how I should initiate this conversation, or if I should approach him at all. Part of me still have a lot of things that I want to say, but having a conversation with him, I am unsure where the conversation would end up. I also don't know what kind of outcome should I expect out of having  after having a conversation with him. Is it worth to have a conversation with him at this point? Of course I am triggered, and I am having urges to speak to him, text/ call him. I am trying my best to stay away from my phone, and stay calm. But it is very difficult , And also triggering for me to just chitchat with him and pretend that things are perfectly fine between the two of us. Also, his mother is my supervisor and she has been trying hard to have a conversation with me in person and she wouldn't tell me what it's about. I have a feeling it's gonna be about him.

Please let me know if you guys have any suggestions or advice. Thanks so much!

Hi Kinglychee1928

You have a tough choice to make.  I agree with your therapist that you need to take control and stop pretending.  If you keep pretending, you cannot get what you want and you won't be happy.

Before you contact him, go over the conversation in your mind.  Do you know what you want to say?  What would be a good response from him or a bad one?  Will his response be predictable?  How will you handle his responses?

Don't worry about what he wants to talk about, or his mom.  If you start the conversation, then you get to set the agenda.  If they respond well, then you can make room for their agenda.  Like your therapist said, make boundaries.  Don't let them cross your boundaries.

Whatever decision you make, we are here to support.  Please let us know how you work this out.

That's good advice.  You get triggered by your ex and it would be best to just remove him from your life, but since you work together that may not be possible, unless of course one of you quits.  By setting and maintaining boundaries and then talking with your ex and enforcing them, and proving to yourself that you can do that, it will take away his power and give you control over how he makes you feel.  And the cool thing is the more you do it the easier it will get and the less power he will have.


It would be best if he initiates the conversation, which it sounds he's already doing, and also best to get clear on the goal.  A goal of telling him all of the things you've been wanting to tell him, maybe get some closure, might not turn out too well, any emotional conversation wouldn't once you're triggering for each other, but what if the goal was to just eliminate the impact he has on you in the workplace?  No need to pretend if your real goal is to remove him and the power he has over you from your life, then you could have a conversation that has no emotional communication from you and focuses on him, which with time will lessen the impact and likely change how you perceive him and the situation.  His mother being your supervisor is an extra added wrinkle, and I'd keep conversations with her strictly business.

And then, once you've taken control of the situation, you can deal with and process your emotions around it on your own, with your therapist, and with us.