BPDFamily.com

I just initiated a break from my partner of 5 years and I feel worse than ever. We have agreed that we will come together to talk things out and see where we are in a few weeks, but that intervening time is going to be very difficult. Living together is a financial necessity for us, so he has moved his most needful items into the 2nd bedroom for now. It hurts my heart so much to relegate someone I love to a back room- as if I am rejecting him as a person and have to face the guilt of that rejection over and over. But our situation was reaching an untenable point where the stress was killing me. I was just so tired of being worried about how he would react, bitter about not being able to be myself because of how he might take an errant slip of the tongue, and exhausted by anxiety over how much pain I seemed to be causing him every day. So frequently he told me that fixing our relationship was easy, I just had to be kinder, more affectionate, more invested…all things that it was incredibly hard to do with someone that I honestly value, but didn’t feel safe expressing myself around.

I know not all of our problems are his, though he is the one with BPD traits. I suffered with PTSD for many years without recognizing it or admitting it to myself, which made forming a ‘real’ relationship with anyone nearly impossible. I got therapy and finally thought I was on my way to being ready for the relationship I had always wanted but had been too self-destructive to achieve before. Then I met this wonderful, empathetic, and sensitive soul who was willing to bear himself so earnestly…  Now it is years later and I don’t know how to live without this person, but I simply can’t exist being the ‘cold’, ‘unemotional’, monster he so often makes me out to be. I don’t want to be responsible for hurting anyone, and yet my inability to love him the way he needs/asks to be loved means that I am hurting him all the time.

I know that I have been subconsciously pulling away from him for a long time, though I never wanted or intended to. Now I feel bloody awful and heartbroken- I have gone from being the beloved monster who cannot show affection to being the beloved monster that forces their partner to the other side of the house. And I don’t know how much of our problems come from his inherent neediness and insecurities, and how many come from my own troubled past in relating or connecting to others. I only know that my stress had hit a breaking point, and while I don’t want to lose this person or force them onto the street, I honestly don’t know if this new situation will help us at all. I worry he will do something stupid. I also worry that our proximity will prevent us from growing and learning from this separation and gaining the clarity we both so desperately need.

Any kind or helpful words would be much appreciated.


 

Hey Philomel, I'm sure you do feel lousy and it may get worse before it gets better, so be ready for some rough sledding.  Your story is quite familiar to me as  I'm sure it is to many here.  The first step is the hardest, yet you've done it so give yourself credit.  I suggest that the place to start is with yourself, by putting yourself first for a change and taking good care of yourself.  Then listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

Hello Philomel,

I understand exactly how you are feeling as this is how I felt during my relationship.  The anxiety and stress built to the point where it started to impact me physically as well as emotionally and mentally.  As a matter of survival I withdrew/distance myself because I did not feel emotionally safe with her.  This was not something I did intentionally it just happened and it wasn't until after it ended that I saw and understood what was going on with me.  


This is how it always seems to be with someone who suffers with BPD.  Put all the responsibility of the relationship into your hands.  Unfortunately in most cases this is how it will have to be.  It is beyond difficult to build and maintain a healthy, or even functional, relationship when only one person is making the effort.  Yet this is what is needed with someone who lacks the emotional maturity to be an equal partner.  In many ways you have to be a "parent" to your partner and doing this naturally comes at a cost to you.  

Thing about all this is you can't do this without taking care of yourself first.  You have done what you needed to do for your own survival.  Where this separation takes you will eventually make itself known.

Do see him gaining any clarity from this?  Beyond that, what else do you hope will come from this?

Hi Philomel,
I can hear the pain and heartbreak in your words and I'm so sorry. So much of what you've said is familiar to me. I, too, found a wonderful open, loving man and I thought I'd finally found my storybook romance.

Undoubtedly I too had some PTSD from a former marriage with a BPD partner who was physically and emotionally abusive. And I'm just now realizing that I'm high functioning Aspergers, which is something that manifests very differently in women than men--we tend to be invisible because we've learned to adapt socially much more than men, and many women are not diagnosed until they seek treatment for an autistic child.

However... .the accusations of "being cold" and "not affectionate enough" are very familiar to me. I don't know if it's due to: a. PTSD  b. Aspergers or  c. a normal response to a person with BPD for whom nothing is ever enough.

Like you, I felt awful about becoming more distant, but then I realized it was also a self-protective mechanism. In my case, I needed to create boundaries to protect myself from his sudden angry outbursts that seemingly related to nothing I could observe. Over time, I started losing respect for him for being such a "drama queen" about such (in my mind) trivial matters.

Learning more about BPD, the classic presentation is to show the best side of themselves at first, until they're secure enough with us to show their dark underbelly. (The classic Dr. Jeckyl/Mr.Hyde presentation) I fell in love with Dr. Jeckyl and was most upset to find that Mr. Hyde was inhabiting his body on a regular basis.

You sound a lot more compassionate than me. I was really disappointed that my marriage was not what I thought it was when I entered into it. You are expressing more devastation about some "hurt" that you are causing him by just being "you." Frankly, this sounds like he's projecting his negative feelings onto you and blaming you and that you are accepting that as reality.

Because people with BPD (pwBPD) typically cannot accept responsibility for having the feelings they have, they will look outside of themselves for someone to blame. And that would be you.

What I've had to do, like others have mentioned, is to take care of my own emotional needs and to let him work through his anger, depression and disappointment all on his own. Like you will probably read many times on this site: I didn't cause it. I can't cure it. I can't control it.

You sound like a very kind, gentle soul. Take good care of yourself. I'm glad you've found us. Keep posting more of your story.   

*welcome*

As the others have said, your story is all too familiar to me. I suffer from complex PTSD. I was (and still am from time to time) told that I was cold and uncaring. I felt a great deal of pain in my relationship and finally ended it because of self-preservation.

Since that time, I've learned a great deal about more effective ways to communicate and handle my own life. Learning to listen with empathy was a major turning point for me. It allowed me to stop invalidating and helped remove me from conflicts. Discovering how to stay to the center of the Karpman drama triangle helped with that also. Learning to not internalize things that were said to me was a bit more difficult due to my family of origin (FOO), but was paramount in facilitating change. Establishing boundaries was another great tool that I've learned to protect myself.

Some of this was much harder than others do to the insecurities I've had to contend with because of my FOO. This is particularly pronounced when I am trying not to take things that are said to me personally and not owning what is mine to own. It can be really hard to not believe that you're worthless when you've spent your entire life being told that you are. But, I've learned that my insecurities are nothing more than my inner critic saying bad things about me. I can now replace that voice with another voice that reminds me that the insecurities are not justified (in most cases).

There are many great tools on these boards to help you. It is suggested that you poke around and read as much as you can.

If you have any specific questions, ask and we'll do what we can to answer them for you. This is also a good place to vent your anxiety and frustrations as you deal with everything that is going on.

First of all, I'm not 100% sure how to 'Reply' on this board, so excuse me if I do it incorrectly this time around.
Secondly, to everyone who has taken the time to respond, thank you so much. It helps to hear similar stories and have them so directly and sensitively replied to my own situation.
Lastly, I apologize if this is overlong or rambling. I have not gotten all the sleep I need and I am a stress-faster, so my calorie intake is only marginally toying with where it needs to be.
To C. Stein's question: I think I would be happy if he could just recognize/cognitively admit some small fragment of the part he plays in his own life experiences (without spiraling into an uber-depression about it). The analogy I keep thinking of is: If a drunk driver swerves off the road and hits me as I am making my way down the sidewalk, it isn't my fault that my legs are broken, but it IS my responsibility to do my physical therapy so I can walk again. I cannot expect my spouse, my mother, or even the person who hit me to do my PT for me. If I struggle with that responsibility to myself, get depressed about it, etc.- that's OK. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. It matters though, that I know I am asking for help with this responsibility, rather than projecting that responsibility onto someone else as if it is theirs and therefore assuming they are the one to blame if I don't learn how to walk again.
Does that make sense? I’m just tired of any attempt to focus on myself being seen as a dereliction of duty when the fact is his happiness is at least partially his own responsibility. If I am such a heartless monster, he needs to look after himself and leave me. I hate being the perpetrator in this ordeal… I feel so guilty because I have been through a great deal of pain and the idea that I could be the source of any similar kind of pain to someone else (let alone someone I love) is close to unbearable.
At the same time, if someone comes to you with a notepad full of complaints they want to read out loud to you regarding your failures: to fully emote, commit, or act the way you used to; pieces of paper that state you are narcissistic, immature, and selfish- that you used to care and now you don’t, that possibly you are cheating (I’m not), and against which any defense you mount is seen as ‘defensive’ and an inability to better yourself… if you are at all a caring soul, what can you do but say, ‘you should not be with the kind of person you have just described. If I am that kind of person, then we should not be together’.
Maybe they walk some of their statements back then, and you deal with it as best you can. But how many times can you go through that? In how many weeks, how many months of the year, is this acceptable as a recurring moment?
I think at one point, I honestly thought I could walk for both of us; that my gains and further sacrifices would enrich both our lives. I tried. I made compromises and I set a precedent for working hard on both our counts. It was a precedent he apparently came to rely upon…but it was not one I can live up to. Now I have effectively ‘quit’ the job I was once so positive I could manage. I feel like I have let him down. Is it my fault for making promises I couldn’t keep, or his mistake for believing anyone else could be wholly responsible for both his happiness and their own?   
What I hope he gains from this is clarity that even someone who loves him cannot be expected to take care of every emotional need he has; that he has a responsibility to himself. And it’s alright if that responsibility is too much for one person. But the help he asks for and receives is a loving gesture from those who care, not an obligation he is owed. Frankly, I don’t see that it is an obligation anyone could totally fulfill if they wanted to. Barring that, I hope I can learn to take better care of myself (and my stress levels!) so that the relationship can bring some joy again, even if it remains moderately dysfunctional, and/or that a complete break can occur without severe repercussions to either party.
To Meili: Thank you for the helpful suggestions. I don’t know yet what the Karpman Drama Triangle is, but since everything has happened I’ve been burying myself in work as a means of distraction- so I have not had a chance to read more than a few of the Decision Making boards and other posts by people on this site. I’ll definitely be doing more research.
To Cat (love your handle):
I’ve wondered about this very thing quite a bit. I doubt I have any form of Aspergers, but I know autism runs on both sides of the family. I have 7 cousins on the severe side of the scale (all male) diagnostically, and at least 2 female cousins that IMO present with traits though they have not been diagnosed. This relationship has not been the first time I’ve ever been ‘called out’ on being unemotional or even manipulative. The first is certainly not true and the 2nd is not something I’m trying to be. It would just appear that my expressions and tone do not always convey what I’m actually feeling (or anything at all, maybe?) and people tend to read what they want. The thing is, I’m pretty sure that’s true at some points in life for everybody. The fact that it seems to be a consistent factor in every social circle and there is a genetic legacy does give me a bit of pause though. I’d be willing to bet that some people have certain traits even if they aren’t on the scale.  Most likely these traits are (or were) evolutionarily beneficial at some point. It can be hard to see that when you legitimately make very pointed, logical efforts to support someone and they passive-aggressively ‘joke’ that you are an alien or a robot though.
At the end of the day, I worry most that my PTSD is what makes so many things as hard as they are. And as someone with a history of mild-to-moderate self-destructiveness, there’s definitely a concern that I am not being clear-headed right now; that I might even be throwing away something worthwhile because I am still too traumatized to deal with interpersonal discomfort. Be that as it may, I have made this decision because I knew something had to change, and at least some of the responsibility to change things is mine. Whether this is the right way to take care of myself/change things is debatable. Whether or not I have the right to make this decision and see where it takes us is not. I just have to keep reminding myself that as painful and awkward as this situation is, I am at least trying (with good intentions). Thank you for the hugs   
Lucky Jim: My apologies for not having more to say, but I thank you as a first responder  :)

I think I would be happy if he could just recognize/cognitively admit some small fragment of the part he plays in his own life experiences (without spiraling into an uber-depression about it).

We all hope our beloved pwBPD will acknowledge responsibility for their own feelings and realize how their behavior impacts their relationships with us. Unfortunately it seldom happens and often when it does, like you mentioned, they spiral into depression, which makes it even more unlikely that they will want to do it again.

I like your metaphor about the drunk driver leading to the pedestrian's broken legs and need to do physical therapy. Yes, their own happiness is totally their responsibility, not ours, no matter how much they try to pin that on us. You'll often see the acronym FOG here. It means Fear Obligation Guilt.

Those of us who are codependent, and that's probably the majority of people on this site, respond to FOG. We want to be nice, loving partners and when we're told that we're selfish, self-absorbed, cold, heartless, narcissistic, immature, thoughtless, unkind, uncaring, we are trained to jump through hoops to fix that mis-impression of ourselves. (Stimulus/Response) And pwBPD understand this connection well and use it.

When we try to assert that we "didn't mean it" or we "forgot" or we "didn't mean to hurt you" or "it slipped my mind" or whatever might be understood and forgiven by a "normal" person, we're told that we're "defensive" or "justifying" our behavior. This further adds to our burden of shame for "hurting" them and thus, we try harder in the future.

I'm not saying that pwBPD consciously try to manipulate us in this way, but people do what works and because they have the emotional control of a young child, they really do feel that we are "responsible" for their feelings, instead of having their own agency.

I have spent a lifetime between a BPD mother and two BPD husbands twisting myself into a pretzel, trying to accommodate their feelings and make them feel better. It's a never-ending task. Since I've been participating here, I realize that there's noting wrong with "healthy narcissism" and taking care of my own feelings.

I had an example of how I'm behaving differently now at a restaurant last night with my husband. He typically is more emotionally reactive if he's hungry and just as we were entering, there was a very large party who came in before us. Even on a quiet night, this restaurant is slow to get the food out. We've been going there for ages and it's a family business and my husband has been very generous with tips--and because of that, expects special attention.

The waitress was quite overwhelmed and just before she was going to take our order, a woman came in with a to-go order and stood at the counter, talking to her for about ten minutes, asking countless questions. My husband kept getting angrier and angrier. He had a  moment of self-awareness, saying that he shouldn't take it personally, but he was.

In the past, I would have been upset because he was getting upset, but last night, I wasn't at all. He said he wanted to leave. I said that would make me really uncomfortable. (I've waited tables. I know how crazy restaurants get. You try to do your best, but someone is going to be angry.)

He stewed and stewed, looking at his watch. Meanwhile, I wasn't at all upset. I think I finally got the "Observe, Don't Absorb" message.

Finally the waitress was free of the to-go woman with all her questions, and took our order. The food was great. He really enjoyed it. So did I.

In the past, this situation would have caused a meltdown on both our parts. I refused to add fuel to his fire and it went out. I had no emotional impact from watching him, other than thinking, "What the hell does all his study of Buddhism and meditation do for him if he cannot even control his mind for fifteen minutes while we wait for the rush to be over?"

I'm very grateful for all I've learned here and those who have helped me see how codependent I've been. It takes a while to change one's patterns, but practice and reading and realizing that I don't need to be sucked into someone else's drama has created behavioral change in me, which, in this instance, led to behavioral change (for the moment) in him.

I too have been called out for being unemotional. I think pwBPD really don't like it when you're calm while they're having a meltdown, yet on the other hand, they do, because they know you're stalwart and they can rely upon you; it's probably just embarrassing to be so out of control emotionally in front of someone who is so different.

I had never considered the possibility of Aspergers until an incident when I was having lunch with a friend, who is a disabled students counselor at a community college, who was telling me about a romantic entanglement. She has been diagnosed as bipolar and has had a history of troubled relationships with men. As she talked about this guy, she broke down in tears. Instead of comforting her, as she expected, I instead started analyzing her relationship and giving her strategies. She looked at me incredulously and accused me of being an Aspy.

At the time, I thought it was kind of funny, but I did some research on Aspergers and didn't really think it fit. That was true, until I learned more about how Aspergers presents in women. I was always a smart, nerdy kid, very shy and socially awkward. By my senior year in high school, I realized I was tired of being "weird" so I started actively studying how to be more socially acceptable. It took a lot of work to learn social skills that probably come naturally to kindergartners, but I did it, and I've continued to learn more as time goes on.

I chalked it up to not having good role models (true) but when I read the following chart about Asperger Syndrome traits in women, I was surprised to discover so many that apply to me. www.help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_a58d4f6a/images/img244154ad237783e339.JPG

It's a spectrum disorder and so many of us can have some of these traits without ever being diagnosed. I copied this chart and highlighted all the traits that I've manifested throughout my life and gave them to my therapist. She looked at it and said, "A lot of yellow here."  lol :)

The diagnosis of women with Aspergers is an emerging field. Typically boys are diagnosed five times as frequently as girls. Perhaps it's because girls learn to be socially appropriate at a younger age.

It would just appear that my expressions and tone do not always convey what I’m actually feeling (or anything at all, maybe?)




I've known this about myself from a really young age and I've called it "my poker face." It's been really helpful to be able to do this, particularly with a BPD mother and it's come in handy on countless occasions. Oh, and I've gotten the "alien" and "robot" comments innumerable times!  lol  What I didn't realize is how inscrutable I can be even when I'm not trying.  *)