BPDFamily.com

Hi my son has been with a lady for several years he introduced me and she told me immediately she has BPD. We had a great relationship , I did a huge amount of research and I helped my son understand her behaviours and encouraged him to read as much as he could. After a yr they broke up briefly I was extremely ill when this happened , I was in hospital having heart surgery when she called me to scream about my son . I explained I was I. Hospital and I would talk to her when I got Home .
Once home I was told they had reconciled and were pregnant . I was so happy for them but since the. She has treated me badly . My grandson was born and I have been told he will not be allowed into my home because I smoke. Well this young lady smoked the whole way through the pregnancy and still smokes herself. I supported her about this saying you have done a lot for this baby and being off your meds is so hard so do what you need to.
Every wall in my home has been washed I've had new carpet layer and it wouldn't matter if I moved to a brand spanking new home there would always be an excuse .
They got married this weekend and I am disabled I have lupus and ms knowing how disabled I am they booked a venue with no wheelchair access and when staff suggested they drive me to the door she heard and said that won't happen.
Every time my son handed me my grandson she sent her mother to take the baby back and when it came time for photos she refused to stand near me and walked away half way through the photos.
I love and adore my son and I should have known on Mother's Day when my son arrived to tell me he wasn't allowed to bring the baby and that he would never be allowed here even though I have a beautiful outdoor area , I should have known this was a sign of things to come.
I am broken I feel like my son has no clue on what to do or won't do anything and I don't want to lose him . How do I cope with this, how do I learn to manage my pain . I desperately want to be in their lives but I fear that will never happen , what can I do to make things better ? I realise I need to work on my he Se finding this site , I need to manage my stress for my own health but I feel so lost and so sad . Please help any advise would be appreciated thank you K-nine  

Hi K-nine,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. I would find it sad, distressing and difficult if I want allowed to see my  grand child. 

Her reason if saying because you smoke and she herself smokes doesn't make sense. You're right when you told your son to read as much as you can about BPD a benefit is that you can learn to depersonalize the behaviors. She could have given a number of reasons, a pwBPD have rigid thought patterns and it gas to be a chronic pattern for 12 months before being diagnosed with BPD. That said.

A pwBPD see the world and the people in as black or white and have a difficult time integrated the two as a whole. A goof person gas bad qualities and a bad person has good qualities. If she's only seeing or talking about bad qualities, you're split black. Have you noticed period that were the opposite and she was putting you in a pedestal and saying all good things about you?

A pwBPD can't control splitting, we can't control it either but we can learn to depersonalize it and weather the storm. Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects the with against anxiety and stress. You asked about communication and a pwBPD need a lot of validation because they are hyper critical on them selves and feel a lot of shame and guilt. It helps when we validate what someone feels and package our truth at the end of what we say. I'll give you links on validation and a communication technique that helps with a pwBPD. Communication and tools may not always help and when they don't there's nothing that we can do.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating)

S.E.T - Support, Empathy, Truth (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

Hi K-nine

You have been through a lot. You have dealt and are still dealing with some serious health issues of your own. You now also find yourself dealing with your daughter-in-law's difficult behavior. I am very sorry you are going through this and are not able to see your grandchild.

When your son introduced you to her, she immediately said she had BPD. Was she getting any kind of targeted treatment/therapy for her BPD? I did see you mentioned she was currently off of her meds, I assume because she was having a baby.

You encouraged your son to read as much about BPD as he could. Do you feel like he truly understands and accepts that his wife has BPD? We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG), here's a short excerpt:

Do you perhaps feel like the concept of FOG applies to your son's relationship with his wife? You can read the entire article here:
Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

I definitely understand why the current situation hurts you so. Like Mutt said, this is quite distressing and I too would find it very difficult to deal with this situation. Your daughter-in-law's behaviors are a manifestation of her distorted thinking and perception. Though it might seem like this will last forever, things can still change. I am very glad you reached out here for advice and support. I indeed encourage you to focus on taking good care of yourself as you are dealing with your own health issues. Also to focus on the various tools and resources on this site as they can help you not only deal better with your daughter-in-law, but also with your son.

Welcome to our online community

Hey mutt I thought I'd update you. My son was coming yesterday to mow my lawn and do a few things.  I got a call at 7:45 am telling me he couldn't come he has a cold the same cold his son has presumably .
Not long after that I got a message from his now wife telling me that in the few short times I have been with the baby he has gotten sick. Those were her words. I have see. The baby in total since birth 6 times adding up to 2:30 minutes . I was deeply hurt and upset and I replied telling her how desperately sorry I was that I could make my grandson so sick  she said she had been to two seperate doctors and he said it must be me . I a. So devistated I can barely hold food down. I honestly feel like I need to be I. Hospital. But I am so sad i am not sure I could cope.
So today my son arrived screaming at me , he eventually said some person at the wedding told his wife I said the wedding was rediculous , I would never ever say such a thing. I told him it was a lie and asked how that was possible , my nephew did not leave my side and I do not know the girl in question. He walked out and slammed my door.
10 minutes later he called me yelling down the phone at  me. I tried to calm the conversation down but he wasn't having it.he leaves tomorrow for a 21 day shift in another state. I beleive he knows I'm Te... I got the truth but is now tied ... .I am broken honestly broken. I know I need surgery on my back it shou.d have been done three weeks before the weeding but I homestly feel so broken I don't know what to do . It seems she has made sure I won't be I. The precision babys. Life or my sons. Help what can I do how can I make. This better ? I. Sorry for typos but I. Typing through tears and cateract . See I'm going blind and she had convinced my son she wanted me to see the baby before I lose my sight all together . Lupus has ravaged my body and stress sends both lupus and ms into a flat spin .
Why is she doing this to me   Why ? I know BPD but this is so vial I can't understand anything any more .  Thank you so much for allowing me to vent because I do t know what else to do. The only saving grace in this is I have witnesses to all of what she has done . God help me please

Hi K-nine

You are dealing with so much right now and I am very sorry this is causing you so much pain.

You are dealing with some very serious health issues. I know you love your son and want to be a part of your grandson's life, but for now my immediate advice would be to try to focus as much as you can on taking good care of yourself and trying to improve your health situation. If we don't take good care of ourselves it will be very difficult to be there for others.


Your daughter-in-law is the one with BPD, but based on what you've shared about your son, it also is evident that he exhibits some very troubling behavior. The way he treated you was hurtful and disrespectful. When faced with false accusations, it might help to think of the J.A.D.E. concept:
Dealing with false accusations and stopping circular arguments: Don't J.A.D.E (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0)

How was your relationship with your son before he got involved with his now wife?

To help you protect yourself and preserve your well-being, I also encourage you to take a look at our material about boundaries:
Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries)

You were having a very hard time when you wrote your last post. How are you feeling today?

Thank you all so much . I am so sad , I have booked an appointment with my GP I need serious help to get through this.
I raised my son on my own after my husband abandoned us , that's a whole other story.
I always thought my son and I had a good relationship , I always thought he resented me being so unwell. I told him when he was 13 that is visiting me I. Hospital was to much he didn't have to , instead we would have phone calls.
I do agree he has problems , he has OCD in a big way so when he moved in with a hoarder and I mean hoarder I found it surprising they broke up 18 months ago because he wasn't coping with her hoarding , he came back home and I was drastically sick, I had told him and it had gotten to the point where I could walk from my bedroom to the bathroom. He knew it and after being home 6 weeks told me to have no contact with his gf . I didn't . Week 7 he told me he wanted to get back with her and wanted her to come to my home. I begged him not to have her here because I was so sick. He ignored me. A few days later I was rushed to hospital I was having a heart attack , because lupus had narrowed my arteries to the size of a one yr old child. I had a stent put in and I have been a lot better since . Anyway a week later he was moving back in with her.
What I have failed to say is her parents had built an apartment on the back of their home because they never thought she'd be able to live alone or away from their home.
I didn't hear from him for a month up until he came to collect more things. Since the baby I have been accused of publishing my grandson on FB which I haven't used for 18 months because I had been constantly accused of Ta,I got about her when I never did. Anyway that continues even though they both know I a. Not using FB. On Tuesday my son came and abused me and told me I had told so,el e at their wedding that I said the wedding was rediculous . I never did but this has now transpired I to my son not speaking to me and I will not be allowed to see my grandson.
I a, sorry this is long but I am so so sad. You are right about jade I need to stop trying to defend myself
I a. So broken and disgusted in my son. He knows this would kill me and my ms is so bad at the moment most likely my lupus aswell
I do not want to go to hospital.  Everyone there my docs all the nurses and all the staff know I was so excited about being a nana and I do t know how to explain this without breaking down completely.
God forgive me but I am so angry at them both and I don't want to be but these were my final words to my son . It only took 12 days after the wedding to iradicate your entire family because she had already forbidden my son to have anything to do with my family . So now not one soul from my family has any contact. I told him I loved him more then life itself . I do . I am so sad  and I don't know what to do next ... .Thank you xox

I am sorry you are dealing with this. This is a sad result when BPD splits families. Reading these posts makes me feel sympathy for my father's side of the family. My BPD mother made it difficult for my father to have a close relationship with them. They clearly disliked her and it was mutual.

I know this is difficult but your priority is to you and your health, and self care. Even if your son and his family were a presence in your life, it would be in your best interest to take care of yourself first. I think that counseling would be helpful. Yes, it is your DIL with the disorder, but a counselor who has expertise in dealing with these issues in a family could help you navigate your role in it.

The tendency for someone with BPD to interact on the drama triangle is common. If your DIL sets it up that she is a "victim" and you are the "persecutor" your son will take on the role of "rescuer" to her. If they have not wanted contact with you, then staying away from this game may diffuse your role.

I think it is good to not take a reactive stance but stay calm and steady in the middle. While they are cut off, you should respect their boundaries. Yet, you can still send birthday and holiday cards to the baby ( don't send gifts or money- just a card- "love nana". They may throw them out or keep them, who knows. You could do the same with your son. Do not get into emotional drama, send long letters, plead or otherwise.

It may not be forever. Babies grow into children who have minds of their own. Mom didn't want to take care of us when school was out. Then, my father's family opened their doors to us. We spent time with them in the summers. I am now a mother and my kids are close to their cousins on that side. PwBPD tend to be reactive and emotional, but sometimes being painted black doesn't last all the time. Keep a small window open with your son- "I love you and would love to hear from you any time" and then let him decide- the future is not known at this time.

However, should that baby make contact with you when he is older, by taking care of yourself and your health, you would be in the best position to have some quality nana time. So- one more reason to focus on YOU at this time. Take care.

Thankyou not Wendy . I have not made any contact common sense told me not to play the game.
Each day I am sad and having awful nightmares but getting some therapy is vital and this site has opened my eyes and I don't feel so alone.
I'm sure there are thousands of people worse of then me .
I know I didn't have to do anything wrong for this to happen ,I know I love them all her included .
I wanted to be a loving caring mother inlaw. Something I never had.  When I think back I played into her trap,she knew my mother inlaw was awful to me and I have gone above and beyond to make her feel special she has been having secret meetings with my ex husband and mother inlaw even without my son knowing until a few weeks before the wedding so I do feel betrayed . I guess that's where some therapy will,come into play.
You are right my health is vital . I know I,min a lupus flare , woke this morning barely able to see but that could also be ms or any one of my health issues.
Thank you so much , your words are wise and I think speaking to others who understand completely makes me feel peaceful and less alone.
I hope I'll soon be strong enough to to be able to interact with others on this site and again thank you xoxo