BPDFamily.com

 

Once I returned to the site, I started to confront a lot of very uncomfortable aspects of my past. Memories intruded in my day to day in ways they hadn't in years. Doors that were locked started leaking memories, which led to a flood. In many ways, what little healing I had done here in 2012 paused exactly where i had left it, and coming back seems to have resulted in my picking up exactly where I left off.

As someone with a relatively privileged childhood, I entered adulthood still completely naive. I married my first serious boyfriend with the certainty that love could conquer all and that if i could just figure out how to love him properly, he would get better.

He has certainly improved, but it has come to my attention that his behavior is still bad enough to warrant acting on the assumption he'll never be safe to be around. I was led to believe by BPDh and our children that the violence had ended, but our oldest recently admitted he's been violent with them when I'm at work and she thought it would be best if she didn't tell me for fear i would quit and we would have no food.

I've been meeting with a domestic violence counselor and a child protection worker and I'm creating a plan to see BPDh safely taken care of (in hospital) and then file for separation.

I'm still hoping that it's only temporary, that while he's in the hospital he gets properly diagnosed and treated, and we can eventually have the life I keep mistakenly believing we have. But I need to take my feelings out of the equation and act on the facts.

The fact is that my husband is sick. The fact is that my husband is abusive. The fact is that enabling and helping are two very different things. The fact is that I cannot be the one to help him and by trying all I'm managing is to enable him.

And the fact remains that I'm first and foremost a mother and my duty is to protect my children. I was able to convince myself for years that I could only do that from inside my marriage.

No more.

Hi momtario,

These are tough truths to confront, and I commend you for turning toward them and really taking them in. I'm sorry to hear that your children have experienced violence at the hands of your partner. Breaking a family pattern that includes violence is not easy from what I understand. I often ponder the wisdom of staying in a dysfunctional family vs. divorcing, because I grew up in an intact, but dysfunctional family—and it was hard. Sometimes very hard. On the other hand, if my parents had divorced, would I and the family as a whole have been healthier/happier? Hard to know; I think it depends on how well the post-divorce dynamic plays out for the whole family.

I think when domestic violence is in the picture, however, it makes the difficult decision a bit clearer. I think your plan is a wise one. And if your partner gets the help he needs, who knows what the future holds. In my view, your priority now is exactly where it should be: the safety and wellbeing of you and your children. I truly hope that your husband will receive treatment that works for him. I do understand your desire for this to be a temporary separation; I would want to keep the family together if possible, too.

With that in mind, I encourage you to stay open to the idea that healing and change take time—maybe more time than we hope or think is needed. And also, major changes in individuals and family dynamics can evoke big changes in behavior; sometimes so great that the relationship doesn't "work" anymore. Hopefully in your case, these changes will bring improvements and make your family stronger than ever. 

heartanwhole

Hey momtario, I admire your courage to face the reality of your situation.  Yes, your first duty is to your children.  No, we can't cure out BPD SOs (I'm divorced).  I'm a bright guy and thought I could break the BPD Code, but BPD proved too much for me and I nearly destroyed myself in the process.  Many, including me, have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.

LuckyJim

Thank you both. It's going to be something I struggle with for a while, but I'm dedicated (and self aware) enough that I have placed a lot of this is the hands of the authorities. I have a long history of actually forgetting/blocking out how bad it gets, in order to make staying more comfortable.

I've made it that if I choose to stay this time, my children will be removed from the home.

Honestly, I'm terrified. I'm mostly terrified because even after everything, I don't feel the level of danger the shelter says there is. They tell me it's a normal and even healthy survival skill to not really feel it.

Hearing that I'm one of the highest risk cases they have and still feeling somewhat ambivalent about the whole thing does leave me wondering if I'm walking down a freeway with a blindfold on.

It's really great that you are using this community for support and a place to think safely and perhaps gradually have a clearer picture of your life come into focus, momtario.

I'm glad that you are trusting the authorities and that they are working with you on this. Also that you are protecting yourself and your children.

You know, even if you are "walking down a freeway with a blindfold on", it seems to me you've now got yourself a couple of those lollipop ladies that stop traffic to let the schoolkids cross roads safely.   That's a really good start.

Big squeeze to you.

momtario,

It's been my experience (the hard way) that sometimes we really should listen carefully to outside advice—when it comes from more than one source and from a trusted or knowledgeable people—because so often we have a kind of tunnel vision when we are in a situation that might appear (even radically) different if we were able to take a step out of it. An objective view at the right time can be a game-changer.

I know it's painful, but I'm glad that you are able to hear other voices that have valuable information for you, as you make your decisions, step by step. We're here for you. 

heartandwhole

Thank you. I don't have lot of words right now. My head has been spinning.

I'm moving to the women's shelter Tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to believe it. I am though. I have an appointment to meet up with my counselor, my children's counselor, and our child protection caseworker. We will be grabbing the children from school and driving away.

Child protection will then inform him of their plans, including how he gets to earn visitation and what types of behaviours would hinder him seeing the kids.

Sorry about the difficulties you are going through. I hope the counselors will provide you the help and support you need. All the best to you and your children.

Hi momtario,

That is some development. I can understand your head spinning. In your shoes, I would feel a bit scared as well. I think you have been showing a lot of courage in this situation, and I'm glad that change is happening, right now.

I can imagine how much is running through your head and heart at the moment. I hope you will keep us posted on your progress when you can. We are here and we care. As hard as it is to take this step, I hope this is the beginning of a new life for you and your kids.

heartandwhole

  I hope the shock of being in the shelter isn't too tough on you and your kids.

I've been away from the forums myself, so missed this and probably whatever led up to it. You sound like you are doing the right thing, even though it is really really really hard to do. I really don't have anything to suggest for you other than when you are walking through hell, keep walking. As long as you are moving, you are on the way out.

You are stronger than you know.