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Just curious how long any of us has been painted black for? I was 1st painted black at 15 yo . Had no idea about BPD until late last year after my ex came back into my life and pulled basically the same she did to me as a teen. Well I was painted black for 26 years. Then my ex found me on Facebook Feb 2013 and for 2 1/2 years I managed to keep her at bay but feel for her bs charms last June 2015. After that I was up and down with her and did t know what was going on. Well she ended things Set 4 2015 and painted me black last October 2015. She blocked me on Facebook and I'm still blocked. I have gotten a lot of hang ups. Fake Facebook messages that I know we're her and I have gotten some hang ups on my cel from Canada . That's where my ex now lives. But not once have I yet to hear from her instead of playing these childish games. Anyone else? Similar experiences?

Do you miss her?

I've fallen so low that I'm not even worth painting black. I just get ignored now.

Though history would show that she will be back someday!

I've been split black often by xw but totally black since June 2015. I was quiet devistated over the whole thing but now it rarely bothers me, sometimes it does and I post about it, get it out, get good feedback, read posts,  it all helps.

hopefully for the rest of her life... . 

Yes Inferno. I agree. I was in denial about my ex recycling me but she has already last June. If I were aware of what she really had I would have ran for the hills. It just makes me feel stupid for falling for her a 2nd time and getting the same treatment she gave me back in 1988. If she were to come back in the future as some of these sick individuals do she will be in for a rude awakening.

Hi Confused108,
Well, let's see... .I was "painted black" and blocked on Facebook in December of 2013. So that's approaching three years now. As far as I know - nothing has changed (I don't check). And I also know that the ex was continuing to spy on my social media even after the splitting & blocking. If I'm so despised - why the curiosity over what's happening in my life?

I recently took myself off of social media altogether. And I do not miss it. Does the ex know I'm gone? Yes. Did he have a reaction? Yes. Is it my problem? No. I grew weary of trying to rationalize the irrational where he is concerned. My counselor has told me that the ex will try to contact me some day. I highly doubt that. It's been such a long time now. Coming up on four years since the discard.

I no longer have any sort of reaction where the ex is concerned. It was a life lesson and I took the positives out of it and moved on (finally). I hope you get there, too !   |iiii

The fact of the matter is that without extensive help in the form of DBT etc. (not just tablets basically) then you will always return to being painted black at some point, unless you plan to learn them from the inside out and accomdate their every need.

People say that it's very likely they won't be contacted again but the truth is it's always a possibility. Their anger is a projection of self hatred and when that returns they are going to need someone to project onto again - if the person they are with are not available for that then they start recycling.

Lucky for me, the ex before me is a doormat so I'm hoping I'll get skipped over in the grand scheme of things because the other ex is soo much easier to manipulate.

You'll ALWAYS be contacted again, ALWAYS

At some point they'll paint you white maybe weeks months years but it will happen

Be gone by then there's more fish in the sea trust me

Well, let's see... .I was "painted black" and blocked on Facebook in December of 2013. So that's approaching three years now. As far as I know - nothing has changed (I don't check). And I also know that the ex was continuing to spy on my social media even after the splitting & blocking. If I'm so despised - why the curiosity over what's happening in my life

Lipstick I agree. I sit back and think what the heck? After my discard last Sept within days my ex was on my Facebook page stalking me! I know this because I was trying to talk to her and everything I put on my page she repeated back to me! So if you don't want me why are you on my Facebook page? Then all the crazy hang up calls on my cel and my house phone. The crazy fake Facebook messages? Why! If you don't want the person why all this stalking behavior ? Move on! It is just crazy!

Confused108,
Because it's an attachment disorder.  Our esteemed FromHeeltoHeal explained this to me. For a Borderline - it's all about attachments (good or bad).  And by visiting our social media or placing "private number" calls to our phones (I used to get this as well) - I would imagine that "soothes" our ex partners in some way. Like they know we're still around. Yet their shame & emotional immaturity prohibits them from making contact in what we would consider a mature and "normal" fashion.

I know my ex understands the damage that he did. However, he would have NO CLUE how to go about repairing any of it. Why would he? I'm sure in his mind it's all my fault. That's fine. He can have that reality. I know the truth.

My ex is not happy that I'm gone from social media. I've heard thru others. Doesn't matter. I did it for me - not for him. I've also heard that he's gone very quiet on Facebook as well. So what? His issue - not mine.

I'm using the positive lessons that came out of the relationship. Letting the negative ones go. Trying to improve. My ex is basically in a time warp. Nothing ever changes. It's always the same people, places, events, interests... .he does not improve or grow.

You have to detach (in your own time) and let them go. It's so, so hard. But you'll get there! 

Inferno's right... .and the passage from white to black again can be even a matter of days, if not hours (I.e., we end up triggering them).

My 2 cents: I stayed NC with my ex for 13 months. One evening I was in her city, it was on March of this year, to attend the birthday of a friend (this friend is only a friend of mine).

Before going to my friend's house, I stop in a bar to take some chewing-gums... .as I enter, guess who's there? My ex, sitting at a table and drinking some cocktails after a day of work... .we were both shocked, it was like to see a ghost appear.

Anyway, she asks me to join her at the table, and we have a very nice 40+ mins conversation, where she displays all her histrionic traits in their magnificent magnitude... .the conversation was so pleasant that she asked me to ditch the birthday and spend the evening with her... .I politely refused, but, if I have to be honest I was tempted... .
 
So, she asks me to visit her at her new workplace the day after, and I agree: it was very evident I was painted white again, UNKNOWINGLY to me.

Let one night pass... .I go to her workplace and she's quite different from the previous night: very cold and not so talkative. I told myself: here we go, I'm painted black again.
Anyway, we greet each other and agree to see at some point in the future.

Let another month pass, where we didn't contact each other, and I send her a message, asking if she wants to hang out with me on a Saturday: she tells me just no, very abruptly.

I ask why. She tells me that the day I visited her at the workplace, she realized once again that the motives which brought her to break-up with me were right (facepalm, lol!).

This hit me quite hard, but since I know her games, I just cut short the conversation and told her... .ok, bye.

Overall, the moral of the story is: once you are painted black, there's no way back to the original idealization. And, if it happens that we are painted white again, it's a matter of time before we are trashed again in the bin.

thanks lipstick. I'm sorry you went thru all that stuff . My ex was my 12 yo friend back in 1985/86. She was Normal as well. She was NOT the person she became now! My mom broke us up and my ex went crazy. Her family put her in a mental hospital and when I tried getting back with her she at 1st was like yes then a few weeks later it was push / pull then I was painted black until Feb 2013 when she found me in FB. I tried helping her but I can't do anything else. She was the love of my life but I know there is NO way I can ever be with her. Life goes on.

yup! This sounds like something my ex would do. You handled it perfectly ! Be very very proud!

I do t know if mine will ever try and recycle me. She told me that all those years  she had blocked me out so she could deal with our breakup due to my crazy  mother.

Their words just make little to no sense; better to ignore them and keep NC.

Well lets see here ... .

BPD Step mother = 7 weeks ... .in fact I received my 1st hang up call "butt dial" this morning from her.

BPD Step Sister = 17 months, complete NC no "butt dials".

BPD 1/2 brother = on and off for years. Currently I haven't called him in 5 plus years.

1st ExBPDgf was 15 yrs but she recently found out I'm divorced from BPD step mother / sister so it's been 7 weeks.

2nd more recent ExBPDgf will be 1 yr in Dec since I last spoke to her, but I get text I ignore, & FB request I ignore.

so as others have mentioned, it's not a matter of if but when.  As lipstick points out take the positive out of a ton of negative ... .detach & learn to let them go knowing there is NOTHING anyone can do for them. It is a genetic defect within the brain passed on from parent to child. They will have this mental / behavioral illness for life and even though some NONs choose to live this chaotic life filled with daily drama I have chosen not to ... .much like many others here.

It's difficult to let go of a exBPDgf, I know I've had two of them, but it's even more difficult to remove TOXIC family members from your life. But once I got over the hill of removing them from my life, telling myself their flying monkey's their flying circus I'm actually in a better place and smiling again. Take joy in everyday small things again. And you'll get there like the rest of us have ... .it's hard ... .it's going to suck at times but it's going to be so worth it.

Stay strong & keep posting

J

I have heard 2 Diffrent things regarding this. Some say yes they always come back and some say no they don't. My ex I know recycles her exs. Well I know now from what she was telling me last year  with calling her ex husband bc she was "scared" . The poor guy thought he must have had a chance to come back bc he had asked her to get back. At this point my ex started screaming at him telling him it was over. She then pulled the same crap on her ex boyfriend. Told me she had called him one night to come over bc she yet again was "scarred".  She started doing the same with me too but the difference was I lived here in NY and her in Canada. But this was what she used to recycle her exs. Now will she try and recycle me again? I have my doubts but you never know.

Confused,

As most will testify to, it's NOT a matter of IF but WHEN they will recycle you. My first exBPDgf took 16 years to recycle me after she learned i was divorced and obtained my number from my BPD step mother & step sister. So up until then I would have said no they don't always recycle you ... .16 years was along time and I had all but forgot about her. She continues in attempt to text me or call me now that I am not married.  Your first post was that your exBPD didn't contact you for 26 years!  So at the 22 year mark you too would say NO sometimes they never contact you. It depends on where THEY are at in the dysregulation process right?

AS you point out, your exBPD does recycle ... .Those with BPD have to maintain some type of connection with exes IF the NON ALLOWS IT!

This is NOT about your exBPD or their needs, wants or desires ... .THIS HAS BEEN & WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT YOU & GETTING YOU TO A GOOD PLACE! YOUR NEEDS, WANTS DESIRES!

J

Longest I've been split black is for 3 months but I've got a feeling it's going to be for good this time so my forum names fits well . She's had two replacements since the discard well since I left them made out like she discarded me to everyone .

I was painted black a few years ago by my ex-wife.  This was probably in 2012.  Up until then she would occasionally text or call, send facebook friend requests.  When she finally found a boyfriend she sent me a threatening message out of nowhere stating I owed her money.  In the last two years I got a call from her bf not to contact her ever again, which was weird as I hadn't reached out to her.  Then lastly I got a call from him again because she saw I had looked at her linkedin page.  I had to explain and send him screen shots that she had viewed my page and I accessed her page to block her.  Once he got the screen shots he quit texting me.  I'm sure that was a lovely conversation.

I was painted black around end July 2014.

I used to think I sat in the camp with the people who believed they would NEVER be contacted again.

I was ruthlessly cut out (not before being blamed for everything of course) and made out to be some kind of devil. It caused a reaction in me I wasn't proud of (ego based) and I put the nail firmly in the coffin.

What happened about a year and a half later not only shocked me but made me realise what a crazy woman I was dealing with.

Basically she first contacted one of my best friends via FB twice which was weird in itself as they also hasn't talked since we dated. I didn't take the bait so she upped the anti. I visited my mum a couple of months later and she tells me that my ex sent her a message!. They had no relationship AT ALL haha.

I saw through it on both occasions and was way past it all by then so I didn't take the bait.

Has anybody else had this kind of "indirect" contact with family and friends?

@ Visitor,

My first exBPDgf & I parted ways very ugly almost 18 yrs ago ... .I thought for good since I left the state. I didn't hear from her until my divorce when I found out she had been in contact with my BPD step mother / sister and got the phone number from them. Which she used right away calling & texting. Up until then they really didn't have a r/s at all.

I could tell you other "indirect" contact but don't feel alone ... .it happens a lot.

J

That's very interesting J as contact also came when she would have perceived that me and my girlfriend had split but we just went through a bit of a bad patch as you do sometimes.

All this post cut out stalking is so strange to me. I consider contacting a persons mother after treating them so terribly such a boundry crash. Although by doing it she showed her hand and I now know she is missing me and things aren't going well for her.

Poor girl, what a horrible life to lead eh...

yes my ex contacted a mutual childhood friend of both of ours who happens to still live nextbatore to me in our old neighborhood. My ex pumped her about me and got all the info she needed. Then she sent me a Friends request with a long message on Facebook in Feb 2013. When I got the request and read her message that basically said our romance was stupid kid stuff blah blah and personal info my Gut started screaming delete her and Block her! Did I listen nope. I sat on it for a few weeks and excepted it. Stupid Me! So what I found out was she wasn't with her husband anymore they were separated. But she was still recycling him! Then she had a ex boyfriend she also was recycling and she to me they were over
Stupid me and the. She had a new boy toy she later had up her apt for 10 days as she was still trying to get with me. Sick !

Sick indeed. I found out my ex would go to a bar, get talking to a random guy and have him in bed by the end of the evening. He then got kicked out in the morning once he had fulfilled his use.

When I found this out I did approach her and enquired about her "notch count" I think she lost count over the 50 mark and wouldn't come clean about the true figure but I suspect it is over the hundred mark.

I was discussed. I had an STD test and luckily was all clear, God knows how! 

Hi Visitor,
"Has anybody else had this kind of "indirect" contact with family and friends?"

No contact with family or friends - but there was baiting on Facebook. Now that I am off of social media (and the ex is aware of this) - I've begun getting the hang up calls to my cell phone.

The calls used to be once a month or so. Always at the same time each morning. Now I've had two in a row this week. We're approaching a significant calendar date for when he and I were together. He is keenly aware of dates. They have an effect on him. Oh, well... .

Lipstick a few months after my break up with my ex I started on New Year's Eve getting fake Facebook messages. Before that 1 week after my  disposal my ex called my home phone and let it ring once. When I called her cel she wouldn't answer. I then texted her asking if she was ok. She texted me back and said it was an  accident. She had last called my house the week before my disposal and was now trying to call her client and instead bc my home number  was the last person she called she dialed it? She has her own biz. You meant to tell me you have not called anyone in a week? Yea hello! Lies. Then in Feb I got another bogus Facebook message by a person called "Gift Love". Their profile pic was a red flat line in the back with the words "Heart Injured" . Yup her again. Then I got calls from Canada on my cel no one there. (My ex lives there now) and blocked. U bets on my cel / house phone. Now they seemed to have calmed down. I think maybe my ex has a new victim to play with.

Interesting. So things like birthdays and anniversaries or Christmas could make a BPDs urge to contact you even stronger?

I can comprehend a BPD making direct contact I just can't understand all the stalking and silent phone calls in the back ground. Especially if they were the ones to discard?

yup my ex told me she. Never loved me and didn't  know why she ever said that to me in the 1st place. She had sent me an email ending things bc she claimed that after 2 moths she found it very hard to  communicate with me! Lies again! So I had called her and that's when she told me she never loved me. Lag blah. I then told her I'm done and  hung up the phone.  Then I unfriended her on my Facebook.  This was a Friday. By Saturday she was stalking me on Facebook and then contacted me  telli g e now I really have no feelings for you what's so ever after finding out what I really was? Lol do t ask me what the heck that was about. Then she raged at me saying I could not keep my emotions in check and I acted like  a child and to think what she could have picked up with and that she thanks God blah blah. Just bascically projecting her crap onto me. So yes she broke it off with me then stalked me after. Crazy

I think shame is a big deal for them and plays a big part.

I believe that I get flipped all the time from Black to white depending on how her life is going.

From the day I ended the relationship and moved her stuff out of my house the madness started. She stalked me incessantly, even when I moved a few hundred miles away she still turned up at my house. I got the fake FB accounts, until I locked down everything, she then moved onto my daughter - fake FB accounts, messaging, and my daughter had to lock down all her accounts including LinkedIn. I also got No Caller ID on my phone as did my daughter. I have had fraudulent Insurance Policies taken out at my address, fraudulent credit checks appearing my credit report the list goes on.

My UBPDexgf runs to a pattern and she has trigger dates, seasons. Significant dates are the day I went no contact - same date every month, Birthdays (mine, hers, my daughters, her sons), the run up to Christmas, New Year, the first two weeks in August, the date I changed the locks on her, Easter (she visits my parents she met twice ! to get information about me and plead being the victim), also new added will be January (the date David Bowie died - that triggered her to create a fake Game Center account and try and add me)

I have everything in place for a quiet life a call blocker on my landline, she is blocked on my phone, a new email address (created 18 months ago), full CCTV so she cannot get with 3 metes of my house.

What am I currently black or white ? who knows ? does it bother me no.

Yes it seems that some if not all have triggers. When my ex came back into my life I was married. But a Rocky one and was separated . So when I got those calls from Canada and a blocked  call in my cel it was the day after my anniversary. And when my ex discarded me was in Sept the same month my momther broke us up. So yea I belive they are triggered by events that have happened in their lives. And if u want to talk about shame? Yes I have also read and heard about it with BPDs  but my ex has no shame in what she did to me! None!

I think SoMadSoSad is correct in that shame is at the core of their antics.

It's been almost four years now since I was discarded. And this stuff still goes on from time to time. The "anniversary", if you will, of the discard is fast approaching. With my b'day two days after that. My ex is well aware of those dates. He would NEVER, EVER show this on social media (must keep up the illusion of a perfect life!), but he knows what he did.

My phone does not ring with strange phone numbers. EVER. This has begun (I believe) due to the fact he can no longer cyber-spy on me via social media. So he has to resort to using phone apps (or whatever) to call me and... .hang up. I tell ya' - it must be a tiresome way to live. 

Well I have learned from reading some of Mutt's replies that painting black is not an event, it is a process.  I say that because it is new information for me that has integrated well into my understanding.  If I look at the "process" the final brush stroke was completed close to 2 years ago - this in comparison to thinking that it was perhaps a year ago.

I am not on social media and never have been, but, at times, I could swear she has been in my house.  Perhaps I am being paranoid but I have come home to notice things slightly different and even cleaned up a little bit - something that she would do. 

So like others have said, perhaps the connection remains for her but in a way that feels safe to express, I honestly don't know what to believe anymore beyond the fact that I still, at times, can't believe it at all!