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I had s10 2 times since August 22nd. He's at a bday party so I'm not getting him until 8:00 this evening. I got him late on Wednesday access Bc he had his bday party with his school mates. My family ha sent had a bday party for s10 in 2 years. Tomorrow is family day at Xw work place and s10 wants to go. The court order is clear, no events are to be discussed with s10 until Xw talks to me about it. My time has all ready been cut back. Xw does this all the time. It's my access but it's about the children I know but I have bday plans for s10 tomorrow. I have missed serious access time this summer bc of the way Xw took her block vacation. I don't want to give up any more time. I've lost to much over the past 10 years. The only way s10 would know about family day is from his mother. I don't want s10 in the middle but she never gave me any time with s10 for my events or gatherings.

Tell your ex, "I've already made plans for tomorrow.  If you wanted to take him to family day, we should have discussed this a long time ago before I made my plans.  I doubt family day just suddenly popped up out of nowhere.  On that note: It's not fair to him to get him excited about family day that you knew he may not be able to attend, not to mention a violation of our court order regarding discussing events."

As for what to say to your son, just validate that you know he was looking forward to family day at mom's work, but that there's a special day planned for him that he'll love.  :)on't get into "Mom shouldn't have said that" yada yada yada.

OK,  that  sounds good. I told him we have a day planned, he didn't say much. I did ask him how did he hear about familly fun day, he said mommy told him. I don't feel I should give up my time, I'm not selfish but as 8ve often posted, I have missed so much time in my son's life, I had to fight for every scrap of access, why should I give it up so she can spend part of my access day with s10.

As HopefulDad wrote, emphasize the need to have advance communication.

It is her work-related activity even if family oriented.  It's not a recognized holiday or event in the order.  She should not be able to 'guilt' you to give in.  However, if you would have had sufficient advance discussion, this could have been a time to offer to Trade a section of time.  Over time these conflict will occur, times she will want child on your time, times you will want child on her time.  A trade may be practical.

A warning here.  I learned, especially in the early years while the conflict and entitlement were high, that often my half of the trade would fail unless (1) I had a written and signed trade agreement and (2) I had to get my side of the trade first.  I knew I could honor a settlement as proposed and follow through, I could not trust her to follow through once she got what she wanted.

Just a legal note to the OP regarding ForeverDad's advice: your local laws will determine what constitutes a binding agreement when you trade custody days.  In my area, emails back and forth that indicate the trade and acceptance by both parties constitutes "written and signed".  That may not be the case in ForeverDad's area.

Hi hopefulDad, foreverdad, your advice is very logical and I thank you. Xw left me when s10 was 6 months old. I have tried in every way to make this work. Xw is getting worse especially since she started dating her bf in the last year and in the past few months she's worse yet again. It's been 9 1/2 years and getting worse. As I take control away from her, she gets more visious and her bf is getting more and more involved. She pushed, lied and manuplated me relentlessly on my Xmas access, my first Xmas in 5 years with s10 and she was unwilling to compromise on time. I gave her the time, told her when to have s10 back, she said OK than she said the dinner was running late, she would let me know when she will return s10. I text back the time I wanted s10 returned to the pick up spot, I went there and waited for 22 ours.  Xw had s10 for 6 hr out of my first Xmas access in years. That's just one story. I've done everything to make this work, xw is also getting more verbally abusive to me and challenging me, she was challenging me to get out of my car at her house and go in her house and get s10 where her bf was waiting, he was giving me the finger and shaking his fist at me.

The reason I wrote "written and signed" trades was because my ex didn't use texts at the time, claimed she never got my emails* and tried to make these deals verbally on the phone.

* I concluded my email account was blocked and that I still am after nearly 11 years.  Must be some sort of record.

My L got a phone call from xw's L stating that my Xw does not want any written correspondence between the lawyers only verbal. My l found this a very odd request. My L has tried to contact Xw L by email and he won't respond. My Xw had an awful lot of control over her L. My L said, the way my Xw is acting and going against her L's requests, most L's would of dropped her long ago.

It's weird that your ex is enforcing no-written-communication between lawyers, but ultimately I suspect it won't matter.  You'll be resolving every disagreement in court anyway, I suspect.