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I had a strong feeling that he'd contact me again and here it is. I'm trying to stay calm and focused, but my heart is beating out of my chest. I heard the tell-tale sound that indicates it's him texting me. I didn't read it for a full 10 minutes because my heart started to pump. It's beating even faster now and I'm full of anxiety as I've just read the message:

"I noticed you deleted all the nasty emails you sent from my account. Why do that? It doesn't change the fact you sent them. Your insecurity and casting around for others is what created all the anguish not my girls and I. I hope it has worked out for you."

It's completely out there. He's making this up, but does he believe it? He seems to be distorting reality. I did read his emails which I've discussed on here, but never sent any nasty emails from his account. This feels like an attack. Is it an attack or just a poor way to try to get my attention?

I feel ill. Why do I feel ill?

Hi Larmoyant 

Fabulous job self-regulating before considering action.  :)

From my perspective, this would sicken me. You quoted him first so I thought the general pattern on both sides was extreme. But then you shared he made this up. That would sicken me, and I'm not even you.  :)

I'd consider this not distorting reality. I guess technically that applies but I see this as outright making things up. He's making up a world and the situations in it. If it's distortion, I consider the bar bent completely out of shape.  :)

I don't know whether he believes it. I don't particularly want to put my head under the hood here--I'd suggest you don't poke around there either out of healthy self-safety. I mention that out of concern for your safety, due respect to your ex, and without negativity toward him.

Please see above.  :)

I'd consider it both. It looks like an attack as well as a strong plea for attention by inciting you into a violent reaction. Normal people, I'd expect, would react strongly to outright false accusations. Imagine if someone was vehement, totally believed it, and told you that the earth is actually planet #2 instead of planet #3.

Is there any particular response (or lack of) you would consider good for you here? I'm sure you may find an action that would make you happy, but it's okay if nothing comes to mind.  :)

Gotbushels, right now I just feel sick. It reminds me of all the false accusations of the past and how they made me feel so incredibly anxious trying to defend myself. I know there's no point in engaging to defend myself, but it doesn't stop me wanting to. How dare he do this.

What a messed up situation this all is. I was hoping he'd make contact again because I miss him a lot despite all the chaos and cruelty. It's hard to understand this, but slowly, but surely I'm starting to, but right this minute I've been thrown off the horse.

quote Is there any particular response (or lack of) you would consider good for you here?

Yes, it's good because he hasn't forgotten me! But, bl**dy h*ll. I was hoping for some kindness. Not false accusations and blame. I have never, ever blamed his girls for any of this. He told me they disliked me even though they hadn't hardly spent any time with me, told me that they didn't want me around and of course it hurt to hear this, but never did I blame them. They were innocent bystanders. I started to catch on that it was actually him using this as an excuse to keep me at arms length. I even told him this. And what does he mean about my "insecurity and casting around for others". I'll admit to feeling insecure, who wouldn't with all the push/pull, but casting around for others is pure projection.

I was both hoping and fearing further contact from him. I was hoping for some kindness. I mean my life is in ruins here!

I'm just crying now. Nothing makes sense.

how long you are separated ?

I believe he want you back, just ignored him

Hi amunt, I called it off 8 months ago, but he kept contacting me up until a month ago when he wrote to tell me that he has moved on. So I haven't heard from him for a month and thought he'd finally gone this time.

I'm wondering whether or not to respond. Not to defend myself. No point, but in an effort to perhaps get some sort of closure. I'm not sure. Confused.

I believe you that you didn't, but do you even harbor even a 1% doubt that you may have sent something that in his mind might have triggered this? 

Hi Turkish, yes perhaps. I am shame-faced here because I went snooping looking for evidence of his dating site activity and/or other women so I read his emails. Wrong and no excuse maybe, but I was being pushed to the brink with anxiety. I found what I was looking for, and a bit more. Correspondence between him and his ex girlfriend with her telling him never to contact her again or she will call the police/his employer and that he needs the help of a psychiatrist. I shouldn't have looked I know. It was a mistake, but I'm only human and was in a terrible state at the time. I've since discussed this with him because it all came out after I read his mail. I did forward a couple of the emails onto my email address and maybe this is what he has discovered, but I have never sent anyone a nasty email from his account.

So you did what you did,  but not to the extent of which he accuses you.  I intercepted several messages my ex sent to her paramour,  now husband,  while she was living with me, though she never knew.  Can you forgive yourself for what you know that you own,  and detach from his disordered accusations of what you didn't do? 

Well, I waited until I'd composed myself, and talked with a friend and decided I had the right to defend myself and sent him this:

"I never sent anyone a nasty email from your account. I was insecure in the relationship for very good reasons. I was never 'casting' around for others. I often felt anguished, again for very good reasons. I have never blamed A, D or J for anything. I hope you are well".

His immediate response:

"You deleted the emails you sent to me. I am well. I had the operation on my left arm and that has not gone well. It isn't healing. I hope you're well. All the best"

He's now sent me Xray photos of his arm.

I'm glad I defended myself, and feel I handled it well enough, but I just feel sad now. He clearly accused me of sending nasty emails from his account, then changes it to I've deleted nasty emails that I'd sent to him from his account (!) which is also not true. Never deleted any of our correspondence. I think he may be looking back over our correspondence which clearly show who was being nasty and it wasn't me.

I think he was just trying to get my attention and I now feel sorry for him. I sometimes think I'm going insane seriously.

He could literally be looking for non-existent nasty messages from you and concluded you deleted them because he can't find them. I think he means you deleted them from his account, not sent them from his account.

He may be look for evidence of his memory of why things fell apart and since he can't find that evidence, has concluded you erased them.

He doesn't sound angry about it--more like that was a way to break the ice.

PC, yes, he could well be doing that.

He’s often made things up in the past, or seen/heard/remembered things that never happened. Maybe he’s trying to find ‘facts’ to fit his feelings or something.

I think you’re right that he just wanted to break the ice. He’s sent me a couple more texts, telling me again that I did delete the emails and also that he’s had an infection. It really is sad.

Maybe he’s in abandonment mode and contact with me is soothing him in some way which I’ve read on here?

Maybe time to block his number and add email addy to spam folder?... .i find any interaction in the past to be only for their benefit and made me feel ill

Hi Larmoyant

I'm sorry. I'm apologising as my interpretation was incorrect. I assumed you had some level of NC being enforced on your side based on the language in the title and the first sentence of the post. I'd like to make it clear that this inaccurate interpretation is my mistake.

From that inaccuracy, these statements of mine are also inaccurate:
I want to hold this out because based on how this has developed, it now seems like I was inaccurately judging the thing to the point where it may be construed as an attack on your ex. I try to avoid the bandwagoning thing. These aren't my intentions and I hope this clarifies that.

I'm putting this here so it makes the exchange look a little less dramatic, more accurate, and more appropriately centred. I think it would be good for how this progresses overall.  :)

Hi gotbushels, please don’t apologise. I may have initially misinterpreted his words, but he’s still making things up. I have never deleted any correspondence between us. It’s still a false accusation, one that he is sticking to. Also, in his initial text, he is, I feel, attacking me, blaming my “insecurity” and me apparently “casting around for others” as a cause of all the anguish. It still feels like an attack to me and a distortion of actual events. Also, we do have some form of NC as he told me goodbye four weeks ago and said that he has now moved on. Although I suspected he’d make contact again part of me really thought he had gone this time and was relieved about that. I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s seeking attention and going about it completely the wrong way, making things up which he may well believe which to me is a complete distortion of reality and also blaming and projecting. Thank you for responding. I always appreciate your responses.

I'm no expert but from five years of reading about disordered people... .

He let you know he's moving on... .wanted a reaction, angry he hasn't had one?

He's still checking emails, but he's moving on?

Making scenarios up in his head?

Pity plays all the way... .I am well, surgery on his arm did not go well?... .angry because he's moved on but still needs you're undying pity and attention?

I dealt with all of this too and if you read it all again it's ' all about poor him'

Hi L-

Others have helped you parse the words, and let's look at it another way: here's someone you're not in a relationship with anymore, don't want to be, he's said he's moved on as well, and then he sends you:


An unfounded accusation and negative judgement out of the blue.  Just objectively, do you need that in your life?  Then you defended yourself, which you felt was right, and it was also reengaging with him; as an alternative you could have not responded at all, or simply said "please do not contact me again."


Because you're not emotionally detached.  

This is a great opportunity though, a chance to check in with yourself and see how your detachment is going.  You've been very strong lately, taking control of your life and taking your power back, although one text can still set you back.  I understand, I got an email from my ex about 9 months after I left her and it sent me off into the anxiety, the cold sweats, and the what-could-it-means, but using that experience as immediate feedback as to how my detachment was going, I noticed that by feeling all of those emotions all the way through them and adjusting my focus to what I knew was right, I got back to the "me" I want to be within a few hours, not bad I told myself, so time to celebrate.

You got that text about 12 hours ago, so how's it going?  How's your mindset this morning?  Have you found ground to put your feet on again?  And how can you use this experience?  What, if anything, do you need to do differently to manage your detachment, on the way to the empowered life you intend on living?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

There's obviously more going on here, following the thread, but maybe the following applies somewhat... .This reminds me of when I still had my exes number in my phone (took awhile to finally delete it) and a specific ringtone for her. At first it was so I would know it was her, which would make me smile. Until in the end it didn't, because it was over for us, and then that specific sound would instantly stir up much anxiety. Because I knew it wasn't likely going to be a good message, just wanting to drag me back into the turbulent and toxic soup. But I definitely remember feeling 'ill' (more like rattled) when that sound would go off. 

It's very common for a BPD to believe their own lies. It's a coping mechanism to take the blame off of them and turn down the emotional intensity. Where we may feel guilt, they feel defensiveness and anger, projecting everything onto you in whatever way they can. Just know that this is at a subconscious level, deep rooted.

Other than emotional connections it also seems you haven't set boundaries which can knock your confidence. It's obvious that if a BPDex wants to contact you, they will find a way no matter how many blocks you do. My advice is to know exactly what stance you want to take and by that I mean value yourself and know what you want and what you can handle.

There is no shame in staying in contact with a BPDex but as long as you understand their disorder and it's effect on those who surround them, specifically yourself and more importantly know exactly where your boundaries are, based on triggers.

Telling your ex for example that they shouldn't lie won't work. Telling them that if they wish to contact you on a particular subject (children, posessions etc) they may and that all other comments will be ignored is setting a realistic boundary.

I agree 100% we need to grow some balls but I can only do it went drunk

Larmoyant, September 13th:



Remember these L?  See how fast you can get back there, make it a game, an opportunity, with complete focus on yourself.

Hi Larmoyant.

Contact with our exes is difficult, but it is an opportunity for us to build up our strength and gain confidence in ourselves.

I was struck by the quote above and I have a quick question for you:
What does the above say about who your ex is and how he operates/behaves with women?


Love
Lifewriter x

He sent me more photos of his injury, and accused me again of deleting emails that I sent to him. Maybe he wanted to argue with me about it, I don't know, he likes to argue, but I ignored the accusation and he dropped it, but we exchanged a couple more texts talking about his arm. Then he went away again. The whole thing has left me feeling so very sad and confused. What did he want? I miss him a lot. I cancelled dinner plans last night, but did go for lunch with friends today. I tried so hard, pretended I was ok, but I’m not ok. I just can’t see myself getting over this man. I need help.

FHTH, I tried today. Went for lunch with some friends, but he was on my mind the whole time. I tried to change it, but I couldn't. I'm lost.

Hi Lifewriter, I'm trying to answer your question. I just keep thinking that she obviously didn't understand that he had BPD traits (so many and NPD) and that she didn't handle him properly just like me at the time.

Hi L-

Let me remind you again of what you said just 5 days ago:

I’ve made a decision today to start moving forwards and have accepted an invite out this Saturday. This time I am going to make it.

So what changed?  He contacted you.  You're not emotionally detached and you're conflicted, it is what it is, we've all been there, and the answer is simple: stop communicating with him.


And to remind you of something else you said just 5 days ago:

He had chance after chance to stop what he was doing. Stop insulting me, belittling and faking our future. I'm glad I left. Glad I didn't go back.

You're unhealthfully bonded to this guy, and the only way to break that bond is to stop communicating with him for a long period of time.  Simple.  The only question is will you?

People with BPD generally behave in ways that sabotage and damage relationships with others. They break trust, their feelings change rapidly, they yank the rug out from under people, and often, they treat people as objects, sometimes interchangeable objects, in hopes of finding one that will make them feel good in a sustained way.

If one is going to stay, it helps to understand BPD and make changes in how we respond. Saying "wow, that's a crappy way to treat me" may not be the most skilled response if your goal is an ongoing r/ship with the person.

However, "wow, that's a crappy way to treat me" is not a bad or unhealthy response; neither is "you need the help of a treatment professional." Most healthy people would not stick around to do the advanced pseudo-therapeutic approaches taught here for making BPD relationships better.

I'm pretty good at dealing with my BPD ex. Very understanding, not critical. He has never heard from me how terribly I think he treats women. But he treats women terribly. Others have told him. Which of us is doing him the greatest favor in the end?

He'd found me when she said those things to him. I later found out that he'd overlapped us, knew that she was withdrawing from him and set about finding her replacement. Me. She lasted 3 months, but who knows it could have been longer if he hadn't stumbled across me, but then again, maybe she is healthier. I have told him to go away too, many times, but I'm still susceptible. I stayed for over 2 years,  not a long time maybe, but long enough. I am damaged, emotionally attached to someone I know can destroy me, but I'm going to try again. Going to try to accept that this hurts. That it will go away if I stay away.

Good for you L.  You might look at your phrasing a little, you're not damaged, you're unhealthfully bonded, and more specifically, the emotional bond will lessen and eventually break if you remove him from your life entirely.  And that's only part of it, once you do that and get some time behind you, all sorts of stuff will come up for you, some you might not have seen coming, and the opportunity to address it is one of the gifts of the relationship, as you embark on that amazing, life changing project called detachment.

Hon, he is angling for a response, any response.  He's gone about it in a cack-handed, stabbing in the dark kind of way, but I'm guessing that this is because all other avenues have failed for him in the past - you called it off, etc. So he's swung to the other extreme of trying to provoke you into a response, to see if you still care, to see if you're still there. And guess what? You do, and you are. And there's his 'in' to talking to you again.

I frequently get anxiety/palpitations thinking about or seeing my ex. They have hugely dissipated, but as irrational as they sometimes are, I can feel it coming on. Not because I'm afraid of him, but afraid of him hurting him by rejecting me. Which has happened anyway and he still comes and goes, so as I say, the physiological effects are almost superfluous. But the bottom line is, we feel ill, get anxiety, etc. because our emotions were and are so heavily tied up in these people. They mattered to us, and it affects our whole body.  

I hope you feel better soon.

Hi Stripey, yes, I think you’re right. The trouble with me is that I now interpret this as him caring for me but maybe he's seeing if I’m still there because all he wants is to soothe his abandonment fears in some way? Deep down I want him to care for me and I feel quite bereft.

As for the anxiety/palpitations, it got pretty bad at one point. Towards the end I often thought I’d have a heart attack. It’s as you say because I was so afraid he’d hurt me, drop me on my head over and over and he did.

I just feel incredibly sad.

Hi Lifewriter, sorry it's me again. I just wanted to try to answer this question again. I think it indicates that he is abusive to women. She wrote this to him as he’d threatened her. She’d confided in him and he used it against her and threatened to expose her and she reacted by writing that to him. She was right. I’ve been on the receiving end of his threats too and remember being scared of what he was capable of just like she must have been. He is an abuser, but I struggle with my feelings for him when he’s nicer/kinder, I also struggle with compassion for him because of his personality disorder, and that maybe if I'd known more at the time I could have changed the outcome somehow, but I suspect not. I’ve seen him struggle and it makes me sad for him. I’m a bundle of conflicting feelings right now.

Hi Lar - so do I, every day, but the sadness starts easing and you just have GOT to fill your time with as much as you can. That's what I'm doing. I am about 95% sure he'll talk to me again at some point, which is what I want rather than being totally ignored... .but in the meantime I am living my life as fully as possible. I've started a new pursuit that is taking up a lot of thinking time/air space, I work, I have a little craft hobby/business, I've started a new weight training regime at the gym, I go out and socialise as much as possible. Life has got  to go on. Slowly but surely, the brain space that was dedicated to thinking about this horror all day long - the pain of being cut off yet again, the ghosting -is being filled with other things. And this is all I can suggest you do too.

 

FHTH, thank you for these questions. They have helped to balance my thoughts. I’ve had time to collect myself, and have found ground again.

I feel frustrated that he got to accuse me of sending and deleting nasty emails. It is an outright hurtful lie, said to either get my attention and/or maybe, and this is highly probable, he actually believes it. There is nothing I can do about his warped beliefs. I know the truth and unlike the past I no longer need to try to prove myself to a mentally disordered person.

I am content that I stated clearly and simply that I did not send or delete any nasty emails, that I was insecure in the relationship for good reason, likewise I was often anguished for good reason and that I have never blamed his innocent girls for anything.

I am fine that we talked about his arm and that I was caring about it. This is the person I am and I want to continue to be that person.

My compassion for him and need to understand seems to be stronger then my frustration/anger. This gets me into trouble. I’ve seen him sit there, holding his head in genuine puzzlement and sorrow.  I remember him looking incredibly vulnerable.Those moments were of course in between monstrous rages and devaluation, but I saw the struggle and pain and it is as real as his rages were, likewise the moments of love and kindness. It must be a very painful way to live. It is difficult for me to reconcile all of this.

So I asked myself what could be behind the compassion other than genuinely feeling terribly sad for him. There is a thought and a regret at the back of my mind that maybe I could have done better. That I could have been like the people on the other boards who are practising validation techniques, etc, to help the pwBPD. Except, I’m not able to be with someone who consistently keeps triggering my own issues and purposely, or so it seems, hurts me to the extent that my life is in ruins.

I am back to some sort of equilibrium. Hurting but dealing with it, taking it moment by moment. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I've read them all over and taken something from each one.

Stripey, thank you for your kindness and good advice. I'm sorry that you are hurting. Sorry for everyone here who is hurting. I’ve spent the day weeding and gardening which I’ve never done before to stay busy and focused pushing through the painful feelings and my garden is looking lovely. Although I've possibly pulled out flowers instead of weeds and vice versa, but still it looks nice!

Hi Larmoyant.

There's no need to apologise. We're here to support each other. I'm glad you took time to answer my question again. I was hoping that you would be able to see that your ex abuses women, not just you. Having said that, I completely understand you feeling as you do. Your heart is broken.

I've been attending a programme for abused women for the last few months. One of the things that I have learnt is that abusive men deliberately pepper their interactions with kindness, because, quite frankly, no woman is stupid enough to put up with someone who is always brutal. The kindness is how they trap us into the relationship, it is part of the pattern of abuse, part of the tactics for maintaining control. It is not the 'real him'. Note, that the compassion you feel for him is likely something he is consciously manipulating in you too. Mine admitted that he manipulates using his own weakness as a bargaining chip.

The bad news is that the likelihood of him being released into being the loving person you so miss is absolutely minute. I know you want the miracle, we all do. Most of us here want to get our significant others into therapy thinking that will improve our relationships enough to enable us to stay, but mine had over 2 years of therapy behind him but he still treated me badly when I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He learnt to talk the talk, but all that did was give him cleverer ways to be abusive towards me. You'll find his type (Mr Sensitive) in "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

There's a couple of things I want to mention. No doubt others will chip in if I have got any of this wrong. However, it is my understanding that people with an actual diagnosis of BPD (rather than those who are subclinical) generally have psychosis not just relationship difficulties. Their sense of reality is impaired. The psychosis comes and goes. I believe drugs can help if the pwBPD is sufficiently self aware to know they have psychosis and is also able to self-regulate enough to take their medication. Mine never bothered with drugs, thought he was okay and didn't need them. But, he would mention seeing things that weren't there and he would have full on conversations with people when he was alone in a room. You have repeatedly posted here wanting clarification on what your fella meant by something he texted you because it made no actual sense. I suspect that's psychosis (check out 'word salad'.

When someone is in a state of psychosis, anything can happen. The psychosis is what makes an abusive man with BPD potentially one of the most dangerous and unpredictable men there are. It also makes them the least likely of all abusive men to be able to change (and very few men who go through good abuser programmes make any significant changes for the better). Please have a look at the posts of Cloudten. Her fella was working on himself, in therapy etc. She debated getting back together with him in her first ever post here:


This is the outcome of the decision she made to get back together with him:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284408.msg12682713#msg12682713 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284408.msg12682713#msg12682713)

However, she is now doing very well, without him. There is hope. You will not always be in such pain and such conflict. Larmoyant, please listen to your instincts. Allow yourself to grieve. Find support in the real world as well as the virtual world.

Love Lifewriter x

Nice L!  And notice, it only took you a little over 2 days to get back to that, that's quick and good for you!  And if you continue the work you're doing, if you were to become triggered again, you'll get back to you even more quickly next time.  It's a process, and you likely see the progress too?


Looking under the compassion for more is good introspection, and you've likely noticed that wondering if we could have done better, a little bit of self blame, is common around here, the what-ifs and if-onlys, appropriate for someone we're all-in emotionally with and want the best for, but unfortunately depleting when that someone has a personality disorder.  Your conclusion that you're not able, and don't want to be, in that is rational and centered.

Well done Lar and thank you. Sometimes I come here to give and sometimes to take and always to read and learn. Today I came to take strength, I am crushed and lonely beyond measure right now. You gave me some strength so I give you my thanks.
Love from Sadly. x

Hello, sorry that you have to deal with this. I would leave it alone only answer if you want to be more confused and in more unreal "drama". No point to defend yourself. I've read somewhere that BPD people always want a connection good or bad, sadly he's trying to get the bad cause he knows good is far gone. Try your best not to answer

I echo this. My uBPDxw did some terrible things and then defended them by making up stuff about me. I took the high road and all got revealed.  Now she reaches out to try to have good contact (as the poor, sad and lonely victim) without any accountability (or even acknowledgment) for the past. The temerity never ceases to amaze me.

Try to look at it that way. Complete irrationality and drama. If you can step outside yourself and see the folly of it, it may help keep you strong.

Strong9 is right. My Bpdx told me just bad horrible things about his Ex (that left him) with what he put me threw I now see that she had a lot to deal with And  just had to leave the pointless drama and now she's in a happy long term marriage and he isn't. Trust us after a while people will see what's really going on madness!.

I know that sick feeling, it's horrible. Continue to do research and take it easy, you know you deserve better so let's focus on that!

Just like to say thanks for your responses and I'm so grateful for having found this place. I dread to think what mess I'd be in if I hadn't found it.

Sadly, I hope you're ok? I often wonder how you are.

Lifewriter, I'm still scared to go back out into the world so it's difficult to seek real world support, but I did go out last Sunday and have invited some people over this week for lunch. I sound insane, but really this relationship has truly crushed me. So many losses, so much confusion, but I'm changing things now. Small step by small step.

LW, I'm interested in understanding the paranoia. His sense of reality was impaired and I’ve wondered how this fits in with BPD? He was very paranoid and I believe it may have something to do with intense fear of abandonment? He would ‘hear’ people say things, e.g. we were passing by a group of men once and he said he overheard them say they couldn’t talk to me because I had my boyfriend with me. He interrogated me about it, but I’d never seen those people before in my life.

He also saw phone numbers suddenly flashing on my phone even if the phone was off. One time he was renovating his house and asked a workman to help him move his oven into place, then suddenly called me into another room, closed the door and asked me if the man had been simulating sex (to attract me!) whilst pushing the oven. A couple of times he woke in the night and I heard him talking to himself in the hallway, and woke up once to find him rummaging through my bag. I still don’t know what he was looking for. Once, he went to the shops, but instead went around the back. I looked up to find him glaring at me from the garden window, scared me witless. I still don’t know what was going through his mind.

I wasn’t scared most of the time just concerned and tried to reassure him. I think one of the most hurtful memories I have, that is hard to get my head around, was waking up finding a pillow lodged between us, he then touched my foot and withdrew it as if he’d received an electric shock. This was after a lovely, intimate evening. Maybe that was fear of engulfment. It’s all so baffling and painful to recall.

I'm realising and accepting more and more that he is unwell. Makes me feel incredibly sad for him. I need to balance this sadness with memories of all the bad times, focus on my issues and how his behaviours triggered them, leading me to put up with terrible abuse. I think I'm starting to do that now, finding a true balance between my compassion and need for self-preservation.

Hi Lar
Am where you are my friend, lost, devastated and learning.
Mine too had intense paranoia at times. I learnt to live my life in perpetual awareness of what might trigger it and avoidance tactics but sometimes like yours it just came out of the blue. I found this site over a year ago when researching paranoia, that's when everything fell into place. I wish I could deal with my emotions, that is the thing blocking my progress. I too have laid in bed and had the toe touch thing, it hurts so much doesn't it   . My latest heartbreak also came after a lovely weekend. It often does. They fear that genuine love and closeness. There is another recent post on here about them allowing us to see their vulnerability. Mine didn't often, only under influence of drugs. But when I do see it it's like a window to his confusion and sadness, no pretend, no play acting, it breaks my heart. That is what has kept me coming back for more. This time I threw him out. I am desperately trying to focus on compassion for me too. Let us try and be strong together.   x

Sadly, yes, let's be strong together. It's time to have compassion for ourselves. Put ourselves first. We can do it   

Hi Larmoyant.

Well done to you for the steps you are making towards building your own life. Sometimes, it can feel difficult to do anything at all, so beginning to socialise is real progress. However, don't spend so much time looking at the struggles that remain to be conquered that you forget to count the mountains already climbed. And you don't seem insane to me either, more cautious, hurt, vulnerable... .and there's no surprise there given your experiences.

I had a look on the UK NHS website and it says that one of the four categories of symptoms associated with BPD is cognitive or perceptual distortions, such as having brief or prolonged episodes of strange experiences like hearing voices outside your head (hallucinations) and distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of, such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you (ie paranoia).

I'm uncertain how delusions and hallucinations manifest, but it would make sense if they were generated by the brain in accordance with the person's worst fears or traumatic experiences. My ex often 'saw' spiders around him. His father used to taunt him with them. If the brain does generate relevant hallucinations and delusions, that would make make sense of the experiences you witnessed your ex having. Unfortunately for both of you, he was hearing those voices and seeing those phone numbers, but since he was psychotic at the time, no amount of reassurance on your part would make any difference. Your ex is very unwell. I know it's heartbreaking to see someone you love so ill. I know you want to help him. I've been there. It turns out neither of us has that power.

I'm not sure if this answers your question, but clearly you have had some scary and unnerving experiences with your ex. I found that I only accepted that my ex was very unwell during our last recycle, when I knew enough about BPD and Schema Therapy to be able to monitor the changes in his personna. It was bizarre to hear him having a conversation with a non-existent person in my kitchen and to watch his utter helplessness when he needed money. He had no idea how to go about getting it. He literally didn't know there was such a thing as cash points, he was that divorced from reality.

Thank God we are not suffering the way they are.

Love Lifewriter x