BPDFamily.com

All I Hear from my BPD Girlfriend is Blame, Accusations and How I Brought her down to nothing, I Always look at the positive side & we have done Alot of Fun and great things in the last 4.5 yrs But it seems that she never remembers any good times, are they too consumed with the negative?

*welcome*

BPD is a complex issue that affects different people differently. Because of this, it's impossible to say whether your gf actually remembers the good times. I suspect that she does though.

When a person with BPD (pwBPD) enters into a state of emotional arousal (dysregulates) they tend to project their worst feelings about themselves on the people that they are closest too. They do this because it is too painful to look at their own short-comings. The shame is just too much to handle. So, they project outwards so as to believe that the other person is actually at fault. It's maladaptive defense mechanism.

Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

If not, but she has BPD traits, it may be best for you to learn all that you can about the disorder. There is a lot of great information on this site. In addition to the lessons and workshops here, reading the threads of others can teach you a lot. Posting can be a great way of coping with the strife that you are feeling also.

Hi spun2,

I wanted to join Meili in welcoming you.  :)

As counter intuitive as it may sound, when she is feeling bad about the relationship, she may just need to hear that you are listening and acknowledging how she feels.

If she says, "These things are terrible" and you say, "We have great times," she may feel you aren't hearing her.

It's hard, I know! It's also part of the disorder. My BPD loved one has a high water mark of negative emotions that do not abate. When she is not dysregulated, however, she does remember the good times. So what I try to do is acknowledge and accept her intense feelings when she is emotionally aroused, in the hopes that it will prevent things from getting worse. When she feels heard, things do not escalate.

The key is to validate how she feels without agreeing that her cognitive distortions are accurate. It's a skill many of us have had to learn and learn and learn again. It takes practice to do this, and helps to read some of the communication skills in the sidebar to the right ------->

Glad you're here  :)

LnL

Thank You for Responding, Very Great Advice on Communication with My udBPD Girlfriend. I Feel Better actually talking to someone, I only have one friend that I talk with about this, Since My Mom Passed Away in May... I've Read Hundreds of Pages and Articles, Since Jan. When She Left to Stay with Her Cousin & His Wife 3 hrs Away After a Big Fight... I Didn't Know Anything About It, Until 3 Years of Being Together, I Noticed Really Angry, Hurtful, Attacks on My Character to Me about 2 yrs into Relationship, and I Responded with the Most Disgusting Name Calling and Put Downs During an Argument, I Didn't Know How to Deal With Her. The More I Said, The More She Would Turn It All Around on Me and I Couldn't Get a Word in... She Threatened Me with Cops etc., Said She Wants Out of this Life, Tried With Pills Twice, Always in a Heated Argument. Now She Has Been Gone for 7 months,
But She Calls/Texts me Several times a Day, We See Each Other Every Week or Two on Weekends, I Ask if She Wants to Move Back in Together, She Says Yes, But it's Up to Me. (Last Week) I Asked her if Her Heart is Still with Me, Just to make Sure Before We Move Back in Together, So I Asked Her if She was Talking, Texting or Seeing anyone, She Said No. But I Found a Few Texts on Her Phone to a Guy, I Kind of Confronted Her on it, She Denied it and Went into Rage, Said She Wouldn't Want that Done to Her, She Loves Me. Then a Few Days Ago, For 3 Hrs She Didn't Answer My Texts
Said She Went to Wings Place for a Game, I Have a Strong Feeling She Was With that Guy, She Did admit that She Had a Couple Guys Ph. Numbers in her Phone From Car Salesman helping her find a Car... I Looked Up the Ph# of the Guy (she texted) It Was Him... I Haven't Said About it Since, and I Haven't Said Anything Mean or Name Calling in the Last 2 Months,
( Made Commitment to Myself) But Just the Thought of Her Going Out on Me, Hurts More than Anything I've Ever Experienced & I'm 52 & She is 45... So Many Good Times Together and Now So Much Pain, I'm Confused, Don't Know What To Do...

I'm sorry for your loss of your mother.

Yes, going through all of this hurts more than people who have never experienced it could ever know. It is nearly impossible for others to understand why we choose to remain in situations that hurt and damage us. At some point, preferably early on, it is beneficial to look at why we make that choice. Generally, the first response is that we love our pwBPD more than anything, even ourselves.

Not only is this not healthy, it's not what is going to get us through the trials and tribulations that is a relationship with a pwBPD. That requires a true sense of self and love for ourselves. It is the self-love that allows us to withstand the hatred, personal attacks, name-calling, and rages that we experience.

What I've discovered is that the more that I JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain), the worse things get. You'll find yourself in a much better position if you stop doing that. Instead, listen with empathy and don't invalidate her feelings.

You might also find yourself in a far better place is you stop going through her phone and checking up on her. Either you love her for who and how she is (including the BPD traits) or you don't. If you want to maintain a relationship with her, you'll have to learn to radically accept who she is. That doesn't mean that you have to accept bad treatment or cheating in your life. That's why you have boundaries; to protect yourself from those things. If she decides to cross the boundary, that's on her and not you.

I know that right now it's hard to see these things through all of the pain, but if you focus on working on making yourself stronger, you'll notice that the pain is greatly reduced.