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I just had to write this. Something in me has shifted. I’m not sure how or why, but things are becoming clearer and clearer, and more and more I’m wanting to live my life again. I keep having small moments of something that feels like a tiny adrenaline sort of rush and I can see myself starting to pick up the pieces and move forwards. Something keeps tugging at me to sink back into the hurt, maybe because it's become familiar, but I’m keeping hold of these moments, going to remember them and believe they’ll become more and more frequent. I’m almost scared to write this in case I drop back down, but I really don’t want to be in misery and pain anymore. If you're suffering from depression because of your BPD partner and can't see a way out, keep learning, keep moving step by step and soon these little pockets of light will appear. If I can get out you can too

That's wonderful. Life at the other side of the pain is great. I've started writing my novel and it's the most fun I've had in years. It leaves me feeling happy.

Love LW x

LW, I really feel a little different and I'm not letting any dark thoughts crowd my head today. I've been reading more about those schemas and am deep in thought right now which always helps me. Learning and understanding all the confusing BPD behaviours helps me depersonalise and allows me to get back in touch with who I am inside. Not his version of me, mine and I'm ok. Perfectly ok! So happy to hear you've started the novel. It will be a resounding success! Soon, very soon, I'll start writing my PhD proposal.   

Hi Larmoyant. I'm happy to hear you are getting better.   I can relate to what you're going through. Things became clearer once I started to feel better and got back into my hobbies.


This ^^ I 100% agree!  |iiii

PhD eh? I always had the urge to do one of those myself. Perhaps when the novel is finished. What do you want to study? By the way, the you that you speak about is coming through loud and clear. LW x

Hello Lar
Really really happy for you. Woke up this morning and reading this made me feel good. Thank you for yesterday.
Love from Sadly x

This is great to hear. I'm still on the lookout for my own little pockets of light. 

Happy for you, Larmoyant.  :) Hope things continue to look up...

Excellent news Larmoyant. I'm happy for you    There was a time when I thought my sadness and apathy was going to be permanent, and at that point, I didn't even care.

I'm so glad that life proved me wrong. Keep shining, my friend!

heartandwhole

Three days later and I'm still feeling better, bit up and down, but things rapidly falling into place. The knowledge that I've gained and support received from you lovely people here has helped me so much. It's as if I've relaxed, let some of the tension and pain slip away and all the pieces are slotting into place. A memory comes up and I can place it in the context of his obvious illness. It's not so confusing anymore. Makes me wish I could have responded better, not reacted and possibly made things worse, but I can't change what has happened. I still miss the 'nice' him very much, and I feel compassion for him, more and more, but not like before. I'm no longer willing to throw myself under the bus, no longer at the mercy of his moods and rages. I'm still scared that he'll contact me and try to draw me in, but I am definitely much stronger. Thanks all.   

Larmoyant ... .

and so it begins ... .it appears you've come to a crossroads & you've decided to try a different path on your journey ... .I'm very happy for you   

I've watched your journey ... .it's been hard & difficult at times ... .but you've pointed out that the group has been there to give you the support & assistance when you needed it. See I told you ... .when you stumble on your journey "and we all do", the group will be right there to pick you up, dust you off, straighten you up ... .       Then the next choice on your journey is YOURS & YOURS alone to make! 

You've chosen wisely young Jedi ... .I want to point something out that you said that emphasizes a point ... .

You said, "I'm no longer willing to throw myself under the bus, no longer at the mercy of his moods and rages."    This has never been about your exBPD ... .this has ALWAYS BEEN & WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT YOU!   

It's ok to be scared for his pending contact and as we've all learned it's not a matter of IF but WHEN they do. YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER ALREADY!    Continue on your path ... .on your journey ... .you'll get stronger with each passing day ... .we're here for you to support you when you need it! 

J

Hi JQ, well I've come crashing down and I've stumbled again. He did contact me again and I've posted about it. I feel as if I'm back to square one. I was doing so well. Is this ever going to end.