BPDFamily.com

I've lost count the number of times my ex has contacted me after a break up (with other men), but it has happened every time without fail. Always tells me how she isn't doing well, how she needs help, how she would like to see me, ect. And every time... .I go see her. However, I've never actually allowed a full-blown recycle to happen. Usually I'll just go visit her and keep her company. I used to think that maybe I was special to her, that maybe she only reached out to me during these times, but in truth, she probably contacted other ex-boyfriends and flings as well.

I still love my ex, so it's hard being around her for too long. Especially since she always signs right back up onto POF when she's single, so I know it's only a matter of time before she finds herself a new favorite person to be infatuated with. I never let my guard down when I'm around her because of this. It's tough, and I don't know why I keep doing this to myself.

Recently I broke 5 months of no contact because she emailed me to say that she was living in the psych unit of the hospital. She told me how alone and afraid she was and that she wanted to see me. So, I saw her. She was allowed to leave the hospital for like 6 hours a day, so some days I would pick her up and bring her to her place so that she could check on her cats, or she would come over to my place to download some music/shows onto her laptop.

One night when I dropped her back off, she hugged me goodbye in the car and said to me, "I really like you." This sent shivers down my spine as that was exactly what she told me on our first date five years ago.

We would communicate through email while she was in the hospital because she didn't have my phone number. I actually changed my number the last time I went NC on her 5 months ago. I was reluctant to give her my new one. Anyways, one night she wrote something like, "Thinking about you... ." Apparently she had a roommate in the hospital, she was an older woman in her 70s I think. My ex talked a lot about me to her, but good things were said I guess because my ex ended up telling me her roommate told my ex to not let me go and that she hopes my ex marries me because I sound like such a good guy.

When she got released I took her home, and for the next few days, she kept wanting to see me. She even sent one email telling me how hard it was to be around me because she had feelings but that we had a past together so it was all weird. She spent a couple of nights at my place and once I went to her place to spend the night. Never did we get intimate. I was too scared to. Intimacy with her means letting my guard/wall down. This would have made me vulnerable, and I just know she would end up with someone else eventually, so I felt it was best not to go down that road. Save myself some pain.

I expressed this all to her, by the way. She knows I still love her and how badly I would like to embrace her but I just can't. She'll hurt me again. It may not even be intentional, but I'll get hurt. I know it.

She asked to see me casually, but I sort of said no. She says she isn't looking for a relationship right now with anyone even though I checked out her POF profile and it says she's looking for one! Even her headline said, "Where is he?". She's since taken her account down as over this past weekend she was with some new guy and I guess now he's her knew obsession. I saw this coming. So, I emailed her on Sunday to tell her I'm cutting contact again and to not message me if she was in another pinch/crisis. She told me I would never hear from her again. I don't know how badly it upset her, but now it looks like she's going to be moving to a new city. Probably to be closer to this guy she just met over the weekend. I say probably because I have seen her do this many times before. It's crazy since just last week she was thinking about moving closer to me.

Right now I wish I could email her and tell her how hard this is for me right now. I wish I could see her again. I love being around her. I miss her. But... .it's probably useless now. She's going to move, and she's going to date someone else.

For those of you who have recycled before, how did it go? How long did it last?

Hey paperlung ,

Sorry to hear that you are living through this.  In reading your post I recognized a few manipulation tactics that my exBPDgf used. In order to drag me in closer she would say that someone told her how right we were as a couple and that she would be pregnant within 6 months. She would always use the supposed sayings of a third person to put a positive spin or outcome to our relationship.

It's commendable to stand by her and be there for her while she was hospitalized.  I think she used you to care for her and take care, while she seeked other types of validation from other men.

The first thing to ask when even considering accepting to be recycled is, what has changed in both parties that would make things differently this time? If nothing is resolved and you are dealing with the same issues, then the result will be the same. Your ex seems to need validation from multiple men, and that's unlikely to stop if you get back with her. Would you be comfortable with this?

I've accepted to be recycled many times for multiple reasons. I'm beginning to realize that with each successive recycle, she was grooming  me to accept her need to have a stable of men in  her life. She kept contact with exes, increase her flirting with me present.  I believe that she wanted to keep me around for a rainy day, and I should be great full everytime she threw me a crumb. Near the end she admitted that she kept contact with someone she called a friend at first,  later told me he hit on her, later told me they had dated, and that he wrote her a 25 page letter. This guy stuck by for 4 years and counting.  I don't want to be that guy. That's what recycling brings. I know you love her, but let her go, and take her moving as a blessing.  You seem like a good person.  Heal, clear the fog, accept things for what they are.  You will attract a good person in your life.  God Bless.

Hey paperlung, What would you like to see happen?  I'm unsure from your post.  If you are interested in a recycle, what makes you think it would go differently?  If you don't want a recycle, why do you keep allowing yourself to get drawn back in?  Presumably you still get something out of it.  What is it?  Tough questions, I know.

LuckyJim

You really think she could have been trying to manipulate by saying that? I mean, I totally know she can be manipulative.

One time she wanted me to use my credit card to buy a bed for her but I said no. So she goes onto Backpage in front of me and starts making a prostitution ad. I just remained quiet while she did this and then she turns to me and says, ":)on't you care that I'm doing this?" 

For sure. Although one night, after her release, she emailed me asking if I would like to come over after work but that I didn't have to if I didn't want to and that she actually doesn't mind spending the night alone and even rejected one of her guy friends from "hanging out" but would like to see me because she feels safe around me and likes being with me.


Nothing has changed. She's just aware now that she has BPD. Her latest relationship lasted 3-4 months and I asked her if she was going to therapy during that time. She said no. I asked her why not and she said that she just didn't care. To me, that's pretty selfish of her, being in a relationship and all with no motivation for self-improvement. I never allow a real recycle to happen because I know she's not any better. I know she'll either cheat on me or leave me because she "got bored".

And where are you now? I personally have too much pride to just be an option/side guy for my ex. I deserve better than that. I've let her go countless times (usually when I sense her starting to idealize somebody new), just brings me too much pain. The problem is those cries for help.

What would I like to see happen? For her tell me she loves me and wants to be with me and only me. Problem is, even if she were to say that, I know that with the way she is, we'd only last a few months at most. She'd get bored/cheat/break up with me, and then I would feel like such an idiot to have tried because I know what I'm getting with her. And even if she were to do therapy while we dated, I still don't believe it would make a difference. She is very impulsive and I just never know what I'm going to get with her.

I get drawn back in because I love her and hate seeing her suffer. I'm scared that ignoring her will even make her feel more alone than she already is. She asked me not long ago that she doesn't know how to repay all I've done for her. I told her all I wanted was to hear her say thanks and to just get better. She started to tear up. For her it's very foreign for a guy not to expect some sexual reward out of it.

She complains that I don't open up to her enough on how I'm feeling but to be honest neither does she. It's always so vague with her. I even called her out on the double standard and she gave me some BS about how it makes her dissociate.

Hey paper,

Sorry, man!  A big hug to you because I fully understand where you're coming from. My ex is living with my replacement and recently reached out to me. At first she was apologizing for everything and then she said she was still in love with me and she was an idiot to let me go, etc etc. It was painful to hear.

You have great insight to understand that nothing would change. Sure, there's the idealization phase. What comes after that?  The crash and burn.  That's the only guarantee that most of us see in another go around: we're thrown out like yesterday's garbage in the end.

Keep your head up and stay strong. Remember that there's no pot of gold at the end of that rainbow. You're right: you DO deserve better!

This video I just finished watching was really helpful in regards to remembering to stay away.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UwL1psF2Axc

Remember:  they are individuals and it's a spectrum disorder.

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you're trying to imply. Are you disagreeing with the video, or... .?

Hello
I just watched that video. Thank you for posting it. I am going to watch it every time my hand reaches for my phone to text my ex.
Love from Sadly x

Sorry, I should've been clearer. He gives good advice to those looking to stay out of another r/s with their exBPD. He makes the statement that they won't show remorse and will pretend that the past never happened. This isn't always the case.

My ex, for instance, will openly talk about the bad stuff she's done to me or others. She'll show remorse and guilt. She's human, after all. But, there's no long term "learning" from those mistakes it seems.

So, just because you have an ex that comes back showing remorse/guilt from the past doesn't mean the end results will be different.

Again, sorry for not being more clear on that.