BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I am finally free from a toxic, sometimes abusive marriage. My husband is undiagnosed, but meets all BPD criteria but one. I love him very much, but I knew after only 5 months of living with him that something was very wrong. I wanted to leave then. I wanted to leave the first time he screamed at me, the first time he spat vile curses, the first time he shoved me and broke things. I have left relationships in the past with no problem. Something about him kept me hooked, kept me hoping he would change. I still hope he can change, for his own sake.

I left twice last year. It quickly became apparent that he had no interest in going to a doctor, counselor, or therapist. My heart breaks for him. He's not a monster. He has a lot of love for people. I have a lot of love, too. For myself. For the first time in my life, I love myself. I love myself enough to leave.

Maybe it took a relationship like this to help me love myself. To realize that I matter too. It has also mirrored back to me my own imperfections. It has helped me think about why I sought and stayed in such a relationship. My mother is diagnosed HPD and never could provide the love I so craved. I don't think I ever would have realized this without him.

The first two weeks after I left were hell. I felt dissociated. Everything felt surreal. He said we could make it work. He said he would be different this time. We talked about getting an apartment and starting over. It all felt wrong though. I brought up a legitimate concern and he said I was saying terrible things, then threatened suicide. Then he was fine again, leaving me with the knot in my stomach. When he told me he was moving to another state, I was angry with the push-pull. Then sad, then the weight was gone. 5 years and now that terrible weight has lifted. I feel like myself for the first time in a very long time.

A big thanks to everyone at bpdfamily. Thanks also to everyone who posts here. This site has been a light in dark places. It has helped more than I can say.

Hi spacemadness,

Congratulations on finding the courage to take care of yourself and to love yourself! :) You're right, sometimes it takes these brutal experiences to show us what that really means, and how big a step it can be. And then of course all the little steps to translate that love and care for yourself into a fulfilling life.

How are things now? Has your husband already moved away? Are you still in contact with him? Have you found time for activities or hobbies that make you happy now that some of that weight has lifted?

Keep posting here and share your recovery with us! It does a lot of good to read success stories here as well  

Things are going ok right now. Some days are better than others (some moments are better than others). He is saving money to move right now. I have moved to another town. We are still in contact, but rarely, and just on the phone. He is saying things like maybe when he gets established and when I get established, in a year or so, maybe we could try to work things out. This will not happen; this relationship very nearly destroyed me. But for now, I just let him say what's on his mind. I fear triggering another suicide threat if I say anything else (he seems to be doing pretty well considering the circumstances, but the smallest things can set him off).

Hobbies, hmm. I need to get out more. Even if I'm alone, just being around other people would probably help. But honestly, I am enjoying being alone and just being. Being allowed to just be without fear of his jealousy. He tended to talk nonstop and sort of demanded constant attention, so I am also enjoying some peace and quiet. :)